Page 83 of Love at First Sighting
Can I come in?
There’s been no one to take care of him for so long, and I worry maybe he doesn’t know how to ask for help or how to accept it. There’s a moment of silence and then a heavy sniffle before the door handle turns. I push open the door and step inside.
The cracked linoleum and stained grout make me glad I’m wearing shoes. I don’t know if I can shower without getting a plantar wart of some kind, and the lemon verbena shampoo samplers will throw off my carefully curated hair routine, but none of that matters. Instead, I see only Carter and the way he leans over the sink, one hand covering his mouth and the other gripping the counter so hard his knuckles are white.
I nudge his shoulder and slide between him and the sink.
“Hey. I’m here,” I breathe, cupping the sides of his face andwiping his eyes with my thumbs. “I’m here, and you’re not alone.”
But I can’t make up for fifteen years of care destroyed by a single conversation. I can’t be the years and years of love he desperately needed and couldn’t get. I want to make him happy in the ways he makes me happy. But I don’t know if I’m going to measure up.
When I was younger, I’d have given anything to fit in, to be enough, but now I’m realizing the one thing I want to be enough for is him.
“I don’t know what to do.”
I wrap my arms around him, and he collapses into heartbreaking sobs I don’t know how to tame, but as he squeezes me and takes what I offer, I realize justbeing hereis more than anyone’s been able to do for him in a long time.
I let him empty every ounce of hurt and betrayal into my shoulder without saying a word, and I don’t care how long it takes. I don’t want to be anywhere else. I’m only thinking about Carter and how goddamn unfair it is that this man hardly even got to be a boy before having to grow up alone.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m so sorry.”
A few tears drip down my cheeks, too, as he clutches my shirt.
Carter shakes his head. “It’s my fault for not figuring it out sooner. It was all there and I refused to believe it. I let him toy with me foryearsand I was too stupid to notice it.”
I tilt his chin up off my shoulder and wipe his eyes again. He steadies his breathing. “That’s not true. Youaresmart and brave, and there’s nothing wrong with believing people are better than they are. I’m just sorry they aren’t. You don’t deserve that.”
He chokes on another sob, and I expect him to reject what I said and let the words of someone who was supposed to protect him take precedence, but I think he might believe it when he offers a subtle nod.
There is no overstating the bravery of living a life as painful as his and wanting to spend the rest of it making other people happy.
I cup his cheeks and press a kiss to his forehead.
“You’re going to be okay,” I promise him. There are fewer tears now, only the swollen redness rimming his eyes.
“I know itreallymust not feel like it right now,” I say, “but you should know you’re loved. I promise you that much.”
I don’t know how to say it any other way. Saying it to Carter would feel like saying it for the first time, and I’m scared. I don’t think anything can ever be the same after this. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to faking pictures and sponsorships after what we’ve been through together. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to a life where Carter isn’t mingled in it every single day.
But I do know he’s loved.
He bites back the new wave of tears filling his eyes. His face is full of pain and exhaustion and embarrassment but not shock. He’s not shocked at this revelation. He reels me in. My face crinkles into his pressed shirt, and my makeup rubs off from my tears, leaving peach stains behind wherever I go.
“And I know we’re going to make this right,” I finish. Carter squeezes me tightly, kissing the top of my head. I don’t blame him for not knowing the next steps right now, or even in a few days. It could take time to figure out how he’s supposed to go back to normal life, or how he’s supposed to faceMarcus. I’ll be there when he decides what comes next. “I’ve got you. I promise.”
Our eyes meet as he nods and says, “And I’ve got you, too.”
“Come on,” I say. “Let’s get ready for bed. You’ve had a long night.”
He nods, slow and shaky, so I lend a hand. I tug at the knot of his tie and slide the end out. I work his suspenders over his shoulders and begin to unbutton his shirt under a shroud of silence and the death-knell buzz of fluorescent lights above us.
As I tug the bottom of his shirt out from his pants, he leans over the counter, one arm planted on either side of me. He nudges my lips up to meet his with a kiss that tastes like salty tears and spilled secrets. I’ll never turn down a kiss from him, but when he wraps his arms around me and grips my hips, I stop him.
“Carter, if you’re in a bad place, I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
He shakes his head. “Thank you, but…right now, I just want you. You make me feel safe. Steady. Like all of this might be okay. You make me believe it will be.”
His lips drag along my jaw, and I feel warm brushes of tongue along my throat as his grip on my waist tightens.
