Page 94 of Hard-Hearted Highlander
“It’s not as easy as that,” Bernadette said, and picked up one shoe, but somehow managed to kick the other shoe under the bed skirt.
“Do you no’ want a family, then?” Fiona asked curiously.
Bernadette felt light-headed. As if she was floating outside of herself. “It’s rather difficult to explain grown-up things to a girl your age, Fiona. Is that what he told you?” she asked as she bent down on one knee to retrieve the shoe.
“He said we’d be a family, if you’d come.”
“We’re to be one all the same,” Ualan said, correcting her. “But three is no’ very many. Four is better.”
Bernadette’s eyes began to well again. She wanted a family.She did. But one could not simply summon a family out of thin air as he was trying to do. Life didn’t work that way. “It’s not possible for me,” she said morosely.
“Why no’?” Fiona asked.
The girl was too inquisitive! “I told you, darling. For reasons that are too complicated for a girl to understand.” She turned her head and smiled at Fiona, hoping that was the end of it.
It was not the end of it. The girl was determined. “Uncle Rabbie said we are to be a family because none of us have one. We donna have a family, do we, Ualan? They went away.”
“Fiona! I’ve told you many times, theydied.Even Uncle Rabbie said it. Will you no’ listen?”
Bernadette paused and looked at the boy. She could see the anguish in his face. She could feel the anguish in her own chest. She knew the sort of agony he must live with every day and her heart went out to him. “My family, too,” she said.
Ualan eyed her dubiously.
“Which is why I can’t have a family now,” she said morosely. “I lost mine.” She rolled onto her knees to fetch the shoe that had been knocked under the bed’s covers.
“But we’re all to make anewone, because none of us has the old one any longer, aye?” Fiona said, as if Bernadette couldn’t grasp the basic idea. She hopped off the bed and began to twirl. “I want a family as big as the Mackenzies. They have lots of children, aye? Lads and lassies.”
“That’s what children are,” Ualan said, sighing. “Lads and lassies.”
“Perhaps you donna care for lads and lassies,” Fiona suggested. “Isthatwhy you donna want a family?”
Bernadette felt herself flush. She put her hand down on the carpet. “I do,” she said weakly. “I do like lads and lassies. Idowant a family.”
“Then you should have one,” Fiona said with great authority.
Bernadette nodded. And then she put her other hand down. She was on all fours now.
“Are you ill, then? Mrs. Maloney was ill, too. She went to sleep and never woke.”
That was precisely what Bernadette’s life had felt like at times. As if she’d gone to sleep and never awakened from the nightmare.
“She died, too, Fiona,” Ualan said. “That’s what—shedied.”
“Will Uncle Rabbie die, too?” Fiona asked curiously.
“I donna know. Perhaps no’ right away,” Ualan said as he studied his hand.
To Bernadette’s horror, a tear rolled off the tip of her nose. “I am so sorry,” she choked out.
“It’s all right,” Fiona said.
“It’s not,” Bernadette said. “I am so sorry for Mrs. Maloney and for everyone who has ever gone to sleep and never awakened. And I’m so sorry for everyone who has ever gone to sleep and then awakened to something so awful they can’t bear it.”
Fiona stopped spinning. She and Ualan were staring at her, wide-eyed. Bernadette realized she was crying now, the pain burning in her head and heart. “I can’t convey how very sorry I am for your loss, you lovely, lovely children. I’m sorry for Uncle Rabbie’s loss, too, and mine. And I’m particularly sorry that I can’t take back the things I’ve done or the consequences, and that I’ve ruined everything.” She paused, gulping back a few sobs. She had lost so much following her heart’s desire once and she understood that some of her tears now were the result of some deeply held terror that if she followed her heart’s desire once more, she would lose again.
Fiona squatted down. “Donna be sad,” she cooed, and patted Bernadette’s head.
Bernadette rolled onto her bottom, her back against the bed. She tried to draw a long breath, but the breath caught in her throat and more tears fell.
