Page 23 of Second Tide's the Charm
“Did you forget the part where I bungled the units of measurement?” Cringe overtakes me. “I haven’t made a mistake like that since middle school. I was basically useless once Gabe started filming.”
She takes off her sunglasses, leaving me feeling exposed under her assessing gaze. I know we’re going to have to discuss strategies to work successfully with Adrian, but not here, not in the space where his personality—the familiar and the new—is everywhere around us.
“Tell me you’re not going to let one bad day get in your head,” she says, and lifts her chin to indicate where I should set down my cargo.
I haul the bucket over to an open rack of shelving and set it down, feeling grimy and out of sorts. All I want is to shower off the remnants of this day, but erasing the effects of my performance won’t be so simple.
“My first day back and I fell off a dock, Marissa.” Not to mention the cooler incident, which haunts me with a slurry of awkwardness and desire, underlaid by my body’s inexplicable reaction to Adrian, despite my desire to remain unaffected. “Do you know how many docks I’ve successfully walked on without falling in? Hundreds, if not a thousand.”
She laughs. “That’s not the flex you think it is.”
“Tell me about it.” I let out a frustrated sigh. “That’s what makes losing it on camera even worse. So much for a comeback.” Adrian’s no longer just my ex-boyfriend, he’s a colleague I let down.
But the moment I saw the camera, I was transported to the last and only time I was on TV, a city council meeting that went from routine to disastrous. The memory of that colossal screwup kept me frazzled today, terrified of making a mistake that would live on forever on the internet.
“It’s day one,” Marissa says. She opens a plastic cupboard and stashes the bag inside. “And a lot of today was my fault.” A smirk slants across her face. “Well, aside from whatever happened with that cooler. That was all you and Adrian.” Her small nose wrinkles, like she regrets the mental image.
Despite my embarrassment, I chuckle. “Can’t imagine how that looked from the outside.”
“It was tough to watch,” she says. “And I didn’t tell you the whole truth, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you.”
“With facts you should’ve disclosed before I drove down here?”
She grimaces. “My plan was to ease you into it. I fully admit I may have got overexcited when you reached out. At first, I thought you were asking because you knew about the channel, but once it became clear you had no idea...” She shrugs, her slender shoulders lifting under her loose T-shirt. “I should’ve told you before you came all the way here, but I was worried you’d change your mind.”
“That was my decision to make.” I raise my brows meaningfully. “With all the relevant information.”
“Google exists,” she counters.
“You knew Adrian was an off-limits topic for me.”
She leans against one of the support pillars, arms crossed. “I didn’t realize how far you took it. I’ve been careful not to bring up my cousin, but I didn’t know you’d cut yourself off from the community completely.”
“Only in the past couple years.” The concrete floor is gritty, and I scuff at the sand with my foot, giving myself a moment to find the words. Sharing my feelings is hard, especially when they feel like shortcomings. “Once I committed to staying for the duration of the Lake Michigan study, it was too hard to watch from the sidelines. Everyone was doing big things.” And I was busy trying to get over my boyfriend and figure out the next step in my career. “Which is why I reached out to you.”
“Because I wasn’t?” Her mouth tilts with an ironic smile, calling out my inconsistency. Even though she never brought up the channel, we talked often about her research and conservation work. Though it wasn’t easy to not be a part of things, seeing her succeed never made me feel left out.
“Because you never judged my choices.” Not even the decision to leave Adrian behind. “I felt safe coming to you for help.”
“And I breached that trust.” Her smile falls. “I should’ve made sure you knew what you were getting into. But I’m glad you stayed.”
She turns to latch the cupboard, then walks past me, back out into the driveway. I give one last lingering look toward the kayaks before following her. What I wouldn’t give for a relaxing trip down the river to ease the day’s stress.
Catching up to her, I ask, “Even though I panicked on camera?”
She tugs open the driver’s side door, and I follow suit, climbing inside. “We can work on that. How about you start with watching our recent videos so you can get an idea of how things usually go?”
Exactly what I would’ve done had I known the full scale of what this summer would entail. Studying, and research is what makes me feel prepared to tackle any challenge. “Trying to butter me up with homework so I forgive you?”
She chuckles and turns the key in the ignition and rolls down the windows. “Is it working?”
“I know you had my best interests at heart, but I’m capable of managing my own life.” A few years ago, I might have chosen to let my hurt fester rather than doing the hard work of articulating my feelings, like I did with Adrian. But I’ve learned not to stay quiet. To work on relationships, even when it’s easier to let grievances build up to the breaking point. “From here on out, you need to trust me with the truth.”
“I’m sorry, Hope.” Letting go of the steering wheel, she shifts to face me, her brown eyes serious. “Jokes aside, I know I screwed up.”
If only I’d been able to talk through things earlier with Adrian, maybe things would be different now. But while we lost each other because of a hesitancy to speak our minds, our relationship wasn’t destined for forever. My propensity to push boundaries, to leap into new opportunities will always leave him unsettled, and me on edge, worried I’ll let him down. He may have taken a chance on starting a channel, but he’s still the same cautious man I fell in love with, the one who needs a steady partner.
Friendships are easier. Less messy. Once I leave the team, my choices won’t directly affect her, and I won’t have to worry about letting her down. “Forgiven.”
