Page 85 of Second Tide's the Charm
“I don’t know,” she says. I check her over as she talks, but her lips aren’t blue, and she seems coherent. “All of a sudden, I was sucking nothing. Regulator malfunctioned somehow.”
Marissa’s eyes are wide. “Scary moments, but she handled it well. Switched to her backup air and we took our time on the ascent.”
Twice now, Hope’s been at risk—physically, professionally—because of working with me. Last time we were together, worry about losing her career held her back from committing, and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe she was right to have doubts.
thirty-four
hope
My hands are still trembling from the scary moments underwater. I’ve never experienced an equipment malfunction on any of my many dives, but that’s exactly why we take precautions. Though he’s doing his best to act calm, it’s clear Adrian feels like he must have missed something, but this could’ve happened on any dive.
We’re headed back to shore, and everyone is subdued. The other team of scientists is chatting amongst themselves, but beyond Marissa and Adrian checking in with me every five minutes, none of us has much to say.
As we near land, my phone chimes with a notification. I pull it out of my bag, eager for a distraction from the tense mood. Once I open the email, my pulse kicks up for a completely different reason.
“I got the internship!” The words are out of my mouth before I realize I’ve spoken, and the others crowd closer, congratulating me.
They ask for details, and I hand over my phone, too overwhelmed to read the email aloud.
Adrian slips his arm around me for a quick side-hug. “Knew you’d get it.” I lean into him for a fleeting moment, absorbing his reassuring presence as much as his words, but my emotions are in a frenzy, and doubts creep in, poking holes in the buoyant rush of excitement.
I’m thrilled to have gotten the internship but leaving early is bittersweet. I never thought I’d wake up excited to do science in such a public way, but can’t deny the variety of this work lights me up. Each day is different. I love a challenge, and I’m happy here, despite someone unearthing the video of my screwup.
The toxic comments didn’t faze me like I thought they would. Letting my colleagues down will always be something I wish I could undo, but strangers picking apart the moment has no hold on me. I did worry my apparent lack of knowledge in the footage might hinder my prospects, but receiving the internship offer is proof one mistake won’t hold back my future, not if I’m brave enough to keep chasing my goals.
But the timing of the internship means I’ll also be losing out on precious weeks with Adrian. After years apart, I’ve been reveling in our reconciliation.
The other day when we were having breakfast on the beach, I almost blurted out that I loved him. Mentioning the interview was a convenient excuse to keep from prematurely confessing my love, but holding back didn’t change my feelings. I can’t help loving how he’s steady where I’m restless, and how being around him never feels old. I love every part of him, even though it’s cost me so much. Even though last time, it didn’t work.
Palmettos and homes on stilts in bright candy colors flash by as we drive up Route 17 on our way to meet Gabe and Marissa for a late dinner. She invited the other crew but they said they were worn out, and I can sympathize. Noticing my exhaustion as we hauled our tanks off the charter boat, Adrian suggested we eat at his place, but fabulous as that sounded, I didn’t want to miss out on what might be my last team dinner.
“You’re going to accept the offer?” From the driver’s seat, Adrian glances my way.
“Definitely.” I smooth the crinkled hem of my shorts. “It’s only for a semester, but it’s an incredible opportunity.” Much as I love it, my job here is temporary. At summer’s end, Adrian will go back to the lab and teaching, and getting the internship means I have somewhere to go as well. “I’ve been looking into their doctoral program, and it could be a good fit.” I don’t want any limits on my career, and I’ve shared with him how I think earning a doctorate is the best way forward.
“That’s amazing.” He reaches over to squeeze my thigh, and I love the casual way he does it as much as how good his skin feels against mine.
“I’m really happy for you,” he says. “About the internship, your future—”
“Us.” Grinning, I take his hand in mine. His fingers are chilled, but I blame the air-conditioning, until I notice he’s not smiling anymore.
“What’s wrong?” My own skin goes cold.
“I’ve just been thinking...” Those words in a context like this never bode well, but I keep hold of his hand, unwilling to assume the worst. “About what you said about not wanting to fit your career to me.” His profile is lit by the fading sun, the roadside trees dark silhouettes against a fiery sky. “Not wanting to compromise.”
“That was before. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with my preconceived notions about love.” I can’t erase how I felt or how it affected our relationship, but I wish I could show him how differently I feel now.
“But when the internship is over, I’d never want you to choose a college on the East Coast on my account.”
“I wouldn’t.” I look down at our interlocked fingers. “I’m not going to turn down the perfect fit just to be close to you, but I’m not scared to admit anymore that I’d rather be near you.” Our relationship brings me joy.Hebrings me joy, and there’s nothing wrong with love factoring into my future.
His jaw ticks, the muscles tense under his beard. “But people found that old footage because of your proximity to me. What if it had cost you this opportunity?”
“Even if it had, that wouldn’t have been your fault. Any prospective employer could’ve found it.”
“Not as easily,” he says. “And what about today?” His eyes flick to the rearview mirror. “You wouldn’t have been diving if it weren’t for me. I just don’t want to hold you back, or worse, hurt you.”
The only way he could hurt me is by giving up on us. “I wasn’t upset by the comments, not once I processed it. It’s been—” I look out the window into the twilight, searching for the words “—empowering, I guess, to go through that and realize they can’t hurt me. And was today tense? Absolutely. But I did exactly what I’d been taught, and I’m okay.”
