Page 86 of Second Tide's the Charm
He slows as we near the turnoff for the restaurant, disentangling his hand from mine to switch on the turn signal, and I mourn the loss of contact. “All I want is for you to have the life you deserve, and that doesn’t include being picked apart on social media.”
I wring the seat belt in my fist. “Is it me you’re trying to protect, or yourself?”
He glances at me, sharply, then back toward the road. “My life is so different than three years ago. I just wonder if us being together is worth it for you. I couldn’t bear to stand in the way of the life you want.” He meets my gaze for a brief moment, his eyes intense and honest in the most heartbreaking way.
“The life I want is with you. But it sounds like you’re having second thoughts.”
“I just thought we’d have more time to figure things out.” He maneuvers into a vacant space, then shifts to face me. “You’ve got big decisions to make for your future, and I don’t want our relationship to be a factor, not if it keeps you from what you want most.”
What I want most is to be with him and study sharks. Both. It doesn’t have to be either/or, I realize that now.
“This is what I want.” I gesture between us, my answer unequivocal. “I want to know that at the end of the day, you’ll be on the end of the line, or the other side of the bed. I want to know that wherever life takes us, we’ll have each other.”
My throat is tight, but this time I’m not going to let pride keep me silent. “You told me you did too.”
“I did.” He slips his hand around mine, thumb tracing my knuckles. “I do,” he says, and my heart starts beating again. “I want that. But it feels like everything is happening so fast.” He rubs his jaw, brows adorably furrowed. “I think I need time.”
“Time?” What I asked of him three years ago.
His sigh is heavy over the hum of air-conditioning. “Three weeks ago, we’d just gotten on good terms. Three months ago, I never thought I’d see you again. It’s a lot to process. And I’m worried about a lot of things. Our future, your future—”
“Is not yours to worry about. If I chose to stay here and turn down the internship, that would be my choice. If you end this, all you’re doing is making my choice for me.”
“I don’t want to lose you.” He holds my gaze. “This isn’t me breaking up with you. Not unless you want it.”
I shake my head, not caring that I’m showing my hand, because he’s worth it. “Then what is it?”
“I’m just asking for time for me to sort through my feelings while you’re in California. I want to be with you. That hasn’t changed. But I need time to figure out how.”
The irony of his request is lost on neither of us. I meet his eyes, dark and fathomless despite the golden glow of the setting sun, willing him to see a future with me. If time is what it takes, I’ve got all the time in the world.
thirty-five
adrian
Hope is gone. Has been gone, for weeks. I’m back on the beach for sea turtle patrol after another sleepless night. I thought having space to think without the rush of emotions I experience when I’m with her would bring clarity, but I feel more lost than ever.
A gull takes flight, wings beating the air as someone approaches, and for a brief moment I imagine it’s Hope. Imagine I never told her I needed space to process, and she’s here, surprising me by flying in for the weekend like she used to when we were dating. But the person next to me is tiny and smells like supercharged espresso. Definitely not Hope.
Marissa passes a coffee over and I mumble a thank-you. “Have you seen the comments on the latest video?” She falls into step alongside me, eyes downcast, checking for tracks in the sand. “Everyone’s asking where Hope went.”
“I turned off notifications.” I don’t need any reminder she’s gone, not when I’m so tied up in knots over whether I’ll ever have her back in my life again.
“If your phone is in airplane mode, you can skip that step.” She’s been nudging me to go fix things with Hope, but my head is still too jumbled.
“I can’t go to California until I figure this out. Last time we dated, I didn’t want to believe our relationship could have any repercussions on her career, but now I know better.” Steam rises out of the coffee lid, but shivers crawl up my spine at the memory of the worst comments. “I can’t ignore what sacrifices Hope might have to make to be with me. She’s already come under fire.”
“Which she handled with complete poise.”
“And then immediately got put in harm’s way while filming a dive for the channel.”
“The regulator was faulty,” Marissa says. “They just announced a recall last week. No way to predict a mishap like that.”
All true, but my heart doesn’t run on logic. I jam my hands in my pockets and look out over the ocean, hoping the waves will work their calming magic. “This is everything I was afraid of when we started.”
“Not everything,” Marissa says. “You had a far more extensive list.” She takes a sip of coffee. “As I recall, you emailed it to me in multiple iterations.”
I cut her a look. “I’m serious. I hate how our work might affect Hope in the future. Maybe this is my sign to cut our losses.”
