Page 100 of Love is an Open Book
But I’ve already decided—whatever he chooses, I want him. I love him, and if he loves me back, we’ll make it work, just like we have for nearly a decade of friendship.
Focusing on work is hard, but with just over a week to finish the book, I block out distractions the best I can. Now that I know the way forward, I lean hard on my routine, using my years of consistent writing practice to power through, writing around the clock in a creative haze that feels like clarity. Even though I haven’t let myself dwell on the possibility, the truth is that I might not get a second chance with Gavin, but I can do right by Sydney and Victor. Then I plan to fight for the future I want in my own life.
Instead of shying away from my feelings, I let the emotions pour out of my characters. Until now, they haven’t been honest with themselves or each other. On page, they stop holdingback and freely give what I wasn’t ready to. They embrace the unknown future because they know they’re each other’s surety.
The days pass in a haze of coffee and short sleeps and words, so many words. It’s like the faucet’s been left on and the sink is overflowing and instead of bothering to shut it off, I dive into the flood. When I finally come up for air, I realize almost a week has passed. I make myself eat a handful of raw veggies to supplement the random food I’ve been eating and text Kim and Sera so they don’t drop by to check on me. Water the monstera and gardenia and then get a good night’s sleep. The next day I read through the book in one sitting, and not only do I love it, I’m proud of it. I shake out my wrists, take a deep breath, and send the manuscript to my editor.
The book is finished, again, and this time it ends with them trusting in their love. There will be revisions ahead, ways to make the story better, but the heart of their journey is written, and it’s good and strong and beautiful. However things work out—whether the studio takes my version or not—I’ve done my best. I’ve written a happy-ever-after worthy of Sydney and Victor, and now I need to focus on my own.
That starts with revisiting an old wound to make things right. Time for the conversation that I should’ve had with my sister nearly ten years ago when I found out she reciprocated Ted’s feelings. I was so focused on not standing in her way that I pushed down my hurt instead of dealing with it. So here we are, facing each other over giant Italian beef sandwiches, the first hot food I’ve had all week.
While we waited to place our order at the counter, we stuck to small talk. I was dying to tell her about Rob and Jayla, but not here. This is my first time being in on a celebrity secret and I’m not about to risk being the one to leak it.
She gave me a big celebratory hug for turning in the manuscript, and I listened to her frustration over glitches in a new portal the school uses to communicate with parents. But nowthat we’re seated in a red-upholstered corner booth, she’s obviously done settling for anything less than a full recounting of what’s going on with me.
Ignoring her food, which is never a good sign, she asks, “How are things with you and Gavin?”
“Right now, there is no me and Gavin.” I take a steadying breath. “He thought we were putting on a show for you. My fault, since I’m the one who said I wanted to keep things a secret. I never got the chance to tell him that I didn’t plan to act in front of you, and he had no idea what was real and what wasn’t.”
“Why didn’t you tell him before we got started?”
I spin my fork on the table, searching for the right words. “I thought he understood that I had explained the real situation to you. And I was working up to a declaration. But seeing you and Ted reminded me of the stakes. How there was no guarantee he’d return my feelings. He could end up with someone else, and I’d have to stand by and be happy for him.”
“That’s how you feel? That you have to pretend to be happy for me?” Her voice falters, and my stomach twists.
“For a while, yes,” I answer honestly. “It felt like having to watch you have something I’d never experience.”
“Mia—”
I put up my hand. I’ll hear her out, but I have to say this first so she understands. “I don’t have to pretend to be supportive anymore. Not for years. But at first, I was hurt.” I take a drink of the water I chose over my usual chocolate malt, not trusting myself to stomach a rich milkshake.
“I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to stand in your way. But I didn’t realize burying that hurt gave it the chance to sink its roots into my heart. Roots of doubt about love and trust. It made me scared to give my whole heart away.” I pull off a piece of the crusty roll, crumbling it to bits between my fingertips. “That’s how I made it through breakups. Even though it hurt, it was never heartbreak.”
My sister’s brown eyes are soft with concern, and I fear I’ll hurt her by saying this is why I’ve held back for so long. But I have to trust she’ll understand. I need her support more than ever if I’m going to make a go of things with Gavin.
“I want you to know that this isn’t about you and Ted,” I say. “It’s about what I’ve internalized. And I realized recently, looking at it from your perspective, you probably had it worse. I can laugh about the irony because I was never in love with him. But you are, and knowing he dated me first, even for a little while, was probably awful.”
She gasps out a choked laugh. “You have no idea.”
My heart goes out to her. “I didn’t, because I’ve never had feelings that big. But I get it now. If Gavin dated you before me, I would be so jealous. Yet you comforted me and let me know that our sisterhood was your priority.”
The next part will be hard to say. Confessing aloud will make my feelings for Gavin real. Feelings that might end in heartbreak, because I can’t hold anything back with him, even though I tried.
“I’ve never let myself consider dating Gavin because I care about him so much,” I tell her. “I knew going beyond friendship could be catastrophic because I wouldn’t be able to say it didn’t matter when it ended. And I couldn’t bear being a stepping stone to his happy-ever-after.”
“Oh, Mia.” Kim scoots around to my side of the booth, wrapping me in a hug. “You’re no one’s stepping stone.” She pulls away. “Ted never should’ve dated you, feeling how he did, but he wasn’t the only one in the wrong. If I would’ve told you how I felt instead of bottling it up...”
“Then I never would’ve dated him in the first place,” I say, agreeing. “But you were looking out for me, too, by hiding your feelings. And believe me, I’ve long since gotten over it. The root is what needed weeding. I thought that I had to keep my feelings to myself so your relationship with Ted wouldn’t come between us, but that wasn’t giving either of us enough credit.”
“I don’t ever want you to hold back your feelings to spare mine. We can work through things together, but only if we’re honest.” She hugs me again, an awkward jumble of elbows and arms that reminds me of how she used to give me piggyback rides when we were kids. “I felt like I was on eggshells sometimes,” she says. “But bringing it up felt cruel to you. And to myself, if I’m honest. I don’t love thinking about you two ever being together, even though I know it was so long ago. But I played a part in it, too. I was so willing to accept your explanation that you hadn’t felt anything for him, but how could you not have? You were friends. I should’ve tried harder to make sure you were okay.”
One more tight hug, then she pulls away, expression as stern as when she used to babysit me and took the charge seriously. “I know you said you’ve started to untangle what you’ve internalized for this, but I would be heartbroken to hear you’d let this keep you from Gavin. He loves you, I’m sure of it.”
I’ve never doubted his love, but I’m afraid I pushed it to the breaking point. “I love him, too. So much.” Saying it aloud is a mix of nerves and wonder, but mostly relief. “I just hope it’s not too late. How’s he going to trust me after I rejected him?”
She picks up her milkshake and offers it to me like medicine. “From what you said, you were trying to protect your heart.”
“But it doesn’t need protecting from him.”
