Page 92 of Love is an Open Book
“Maybe you would’ve, though. You lasted this long.” He leans against the fence next to me, looking as defeated as I feel. “I only encouraged you to speak up because I really thought she’d feel the same. I catch her looking at you sometimes and...”
“That’s what gets me. She feels something for me, I know she does.” The way she kisses me... “But she was scared I’d break her heart, and guess what?” I throw up my hands. “I did.”
“She broke yours, too,” he says. “Don’t go shouldering all the blame.”
My heartisbroken, but it’s not Mia’s fault that she doesn’t trust love. Her doubts are hurting her, too. But hearing it wasn’t all me helps ease some of the guilt. “See that?” I nudge him. “Coming back in with the dad wisdom.”
He shakes me off, but he’s smiling. It makes me feel a little better. I don’t want things to change between me and him and Sera. Wishful thinking, probably.
“Joe, you’re on deck,” one of our teammates calls, and he lifts a hand in acknowledgment.
“I know things are rough right now,” he says, looking over his shoulder to where the first batter has already struck out. “But please don’t let this be the thing that pushes you to move. Even on your worst day, we don’t have a hope of winning without you.” He grins, and I do my best to smile back.
A few months ago, I would’ve told him there was no way I’d ever go back to the farm. But as hard as it would be to leave behind all my friends, maybe a fresh start is exactly what I need.
Thirty
Mia
It’s easy to think I’d never act like one of my flawed main characters, but I had the chance to be brave and instead I let my fears topple our friendship. Even though being together was new, it was enough to show me that things would never be the same. I can shout at the top of my lungs that it was just a failed experiment, that we should be able to slip right back into friendship, but we both know that’s a lie.
There’s no saving face or laughing it off or predicting it will be a funny story one day to tell at each other’s weddings during a toast. I gave Gavin my heart with every kiss and every touch and now there’s no going back. It’s everything I feared, and the worst part is, I knew this would happen. He said he’d never let me go, no matter what, and then he did.
When I get home, I see a string of we-need-to-talk texts from Kim but none from Gavin. I would normally be dying to debrief with him about Chip’s Machiavellian methods. Laugh over the sketchy verbal disclaimer and the ridiculousness of it all. The ache of missing him is raw. I told myself I did what had to be done to save our friendship, but a friend wouldn’t haveasked Gavin to shut off his heart. A friend would’ve never gone down this road in the first place.
I text my sister and let her know I made it home okay. She won’t settle for that, but I don’t have the energy to explain. Instead, I pull out my laptop and try to escape into writing. But this time it’s not writer’s block that stops me, it’s a broken heart. I can’t power through, and for once I don’t try. I put on my coziest pajamas and open one of my comfort reads, barely absorbing the words on the page until sleep claims me. All day on Monday, I wrestle with a sense of dread as I make another attempt, but by nightfall I’m still spinning my wheels and I decide I’ve given enough to this project. I close the document, open my email, and tell my editor what I should’ve months ago. I can’t write a book I don’t believe in, and it’s time to stop trying.
Of course, it’s not that easy. The next morning my inbox is filled with a frenzy of emails from my agent, my editor, and my publicist. By midafternoon I’ve spent hours on the phone, and still I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the only way. Maybe someone else can get the story right, but I can’t.
I should stay off social media, but I get tagged in another video, this one making the case that Sydney and Victor are better off as friends. Normally I’d get the urge to like it out of solidarity with the poster, but today it makes me mad. They deserve all of each other, not less. Gavin deserves all my love, but I’m too scared to give it.
I feel like a failure for passing the responsibility on to someone else, leaving a mess for the show’s writers to clean up, but I gave it my all and came up short. A few times, I composed a text to Evie, telling her what I’ve done. But if I send it, she’ll encourage me to go back to the bulletin board and my scene cards. Find a way through. But I’ve lost my best friend and the last thing I want to do is write my way out. Right now I need someone who will tell me this defeat doesn’t define me, even though right now I feel swallowed whole.
Mia:I did a thing.
Sera:You turned in the book early??? Go, Mia!
Mia:The opposite. I told them I can’t do it.
Nothing, for two full minutes. Then:
Sera:Can you be here in an hour? I’ll send Joe to get us food.
I knew she’d come through. Tomorrow I’ll get back to working on the problem—I’ll need to make the switch from grappling with Sydney and Victor’s future to figuring out my own—but today I need distance from the mess I’ve made.
Shutting my phone off, I shower, then head out. The drive takes longer than usual because of an accident, so I arrive about half an hour later than expected, but Sera let me know I should let myself in when I arrive because they’re setting up the nursery. I find her sitting in the rocking chair surrounded by open boxes and a half-built crib.
“Holy crap.” I stop short at the sight of the mess, at odds with the rest of their immaculate house. “Please tell me you haven’t been doing this by yourself.”
She shakes her head. “Joe started this morning. Then he got stuck and called Gavin.”
Hearing his name sends a reflexive jolt of happiness through me before I remember that we’re not friends anymore. Might not be friends again, ever. “Gavin’s here?” I ask, though he’s obviously not. Pretty impossible to hide a six-foot guy in a small room whose only furniture is occupied or in pieces. “Does he know I’m coming?”
With an odd look, she says, “They’re on their third trip to Home Depot. Didn’t expect it to take this long.”
I’m barely listening, mind spinning. “I can’t be here right now.”
Sera stops rocking. “What’s wrong?”
