Page 70 of The Lovers
“Just saying, there have been some moments where I was like,maybe she doesn’t just want dick.” She shrugs, scrunching her nose. “Pretty much ever since the Phi Beta Kappa party junior year. That girl…Maia—do you remember her? She wasfine.”
Awe shakes my features loose and I nod.
“She was totally into you and asked if you liked girls, too, and I—of course—had no reason to say yes so I didn’t, but I pressed heron why she wanted to know and she said she just got a feeling from you.”
Maia. The girl in Western Civ that I totallydidhave a crush on.
She was not onlygay. But was also intome.
“Oh man, missed opportunity,” I say, to which Nina chortles.
“For sure,” she says, nodding.
I exhale a laugh but it feels more like a cry. And then it reallyisgoing to turn into tears. Big, real, impossible-to-hide tears. Her laughter dies back fast and she puts her face close to the camera.
“Hey.”
My eyes well up.
“Hey, babe, look at me.” Her voice is soft, reassuring, full of so much love.
When I finally do look into her eyes, the tears start to fall.
“I know it’s scary to let things change. But it’s also so incredibly good.” Her voice is like a warm blanket, cozy and comforting. “This is it.” She restates my thought from earlier. My chest gets tight and hot; my cheeks blaze as more tears flow. “This is the day you’ll look back on asthe momentwhen you chose to love yourself no matter what. It will be so fucking worth it.”
I break down.
All the walls I’ve kept up, all the years I’ve stayed quiet. All the times I pushed away yearning, ignored my true feelings, minimized every desire just to preserve an ideal I let define me and confine me. All of that secrecy, running, hiding, being too afraid to seek, it all melts away under the light of truth.
I wipe my eyes as Nina wipes hers. She tells me to get a glass ofwine so we can toast, and I dutifully—but still soggily—follow her orders.
“To your coming out,” she says, lifting her tiki drink toward my screen. I cheers the camera. I’m surprised by the waves of relief and fear, peace and excitement that wash over me as I come down from the moment.
“Circle back time,” Nina finally says. “You told Julia about this?”
I fill her in on the Epic History of Julia and Kit, hitting all the highs and lows of the five years we were inseparable: the tarot reading promising we were Twin Flames, falling in love slowly but completely, hooking up and freaking out, the way I tried to erase my feelings for her, the way I ghosted on my way out of town for Berkeley.
“And we kissed again,” I say. “Today.”
“Oh my God, when? Where?” She leans forward in her chair, waiting with bated breath.
“In here and in her room.” I blush. “It was…really hot.”
Nina squeals, “No fucking kidding. She’s a fox.”
“We pulled a card.”
“Tell me it’s a good one or I swear to God I’m gonna do a spell. Keep this shit on track,” she threatens with tigerlike strength. I giggle, marveling at how easy it is to talk to her about this. How normal and good it feels.
“No spell needed.” I exhale a sharp breath before saying it out loud. “The Lovers.”
Her eyes get massive as the meaning dawns on her. “That’s some soulmate shit right there—your psychic was right.”
And I guess she was, but it doesn’t change that Julia and I still have a lot to figure out. We still have a long way to go before wecan know if this time of finding our way back to each other will be the last time.
“So, hate to bring this moment down with reality, but I have one more question,” Nina says, brows drawing together to emphasize her seriousness.
“I know what you’re going to ask, and the answer is no. I’m not telling them.”
