Page 97 of The Lovers
I can’t feel my legs. I look to Coco, who is nodding in agreement. I can’t breathe.
“This just hit my inbox.” She walks closer so that I can easily read the title.
“Choose Your Own Way to Come Out,” a play on her popular video seriesChoose Your Own Tarot Adventure. It’s a little over four minutes long.
“Julia,” Zoe says. “Say something.”
The thumbnail image is her face, with a tastefully designed background in the colors of the bi flag. Her hair is tipped with fresh pink, her makeup is minimal.
“Play it,” I breathe.
Zoe taps the button in the center of the video and we all huddle around to watch.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Kit
EARLIER TODAY
“Are you ready?” Nina is behind the camera. The face of my best friend is the best possible prompt for total and complete honesty.
“No?” I say it like a question. She cackles.
“I have a shot of tequila waiting for you as soon as you’re done.”
I adjust in my chair, fluffing my hair and doing a few simple inhale/exhales to calm my nerves. I shake my body out and shuffle the deck of cards in front of me. The act has become more of a confirmation of my intentions, and less of a method to manage my mental health. But it’s still reassuring no matter why I do it.
“Do you think she’ll see it?” Nina asks.
“I can’t think about that right now or I might throw up.”
Swoosh swoosh swoosh.A card pops out. My hand hovers over it but I already know what it’s going to be. Flip.
The Lovers.
I close my eyes, clutching the card.
“Ready.”
“Three, two, one, rolling…”
I open my eyes, taking a beat before I start to speak.
“Hi, there, lights and loves,” I say, impressed with the ease in my voice. “It’s me, Mystic Maven, and I know it’s been a while. I hope the universe has been treating you well and that karma is your friend. I’ve been quiet here—well, I’ve been quiet everywhere. Makes me think of that Taylor Swift lyric—Nobody’s heard from me for months. I’m doing better than I ever was.”
I take a deep inhale. Fuck. This is harder than I thought it would be.
“But even Taylor had to come out of hiding, and if she can do it, so can I.” I touch the ends of my hair, twisting them nervously. “I wanted to stay away at first because every time I saw the video—you all know which video I mean—my anxiety would spike, adrenaline would flood my system, my heart rate would shoot up so fast I got scared it would never settle back down. I’ve had panic attacks since my late teens, but they got really bad in college. That’s actually how I got into tarot at first. It helped me understand my emotions and gave me a sense of control in a world where very little felt like it was happening on my terms.”
My eyes drift away from the camera. “I guess that’s a story for a different day.
“As you can tell from the title of this video, I’m here to tell you—this community of beautiful souls—a story. My story. My way. On my terms. No one should have the moment of coming out taken from their control. No one should have to see themselves all over social media sharing a moment they thought was private. The person who posted that video did so without my permission, but something that they meant to harm me—and, in no small way, harm her—”
Julia.
“—empowered me instead.”
I look directly into the camera.
