Page 22 of See You Soon
"Daniel, it wasn't your fault son. And you know this. You know that. Stop torturing yourself because Paul wouldn't want this. He wouldn't want you blaming yourself for something that was out of your control."
She' doesn’t get it but I won't talk about it any further. I've lost several brothers in the forces on deployments, but Paul's passing hits me harder because it was my fault. His blood spilled on my hands and just that memory alone, makes it difficult to move on.
I sigh, brushing my beard down with my hand. I need to let this guilt, fully go. I was better than I had ever been before. Two months have passed, and I've gone from constant insomnia, bar hopping, one-night stands, and drinking until I was numb to being able to sleep again without needing whiskey or random women. Last night was the first night in a while that I've divulged in my old ways because ofher. Because of Ari. She brings a lot of emotions I've deserted and ran from and I hate her for it.
It's irrational for me to blame her for coming into my life and ripping open a healing wound. But I'm not a rational man. I need to stay away from her. I fucking hate the effect she has on me. It's detrimental to my journey of going back to my old ways before Paul passed. I like the way I am. I'm accustomed to the simplicity of my life.
Work, train, eat, drink, sleep, repeat. And Ari threatens that.
I need to stay away from her and yet... I don't want to.
And I hate that even more.
"You need to come visit us more often. Your father needs his hunting buddy again. Get him away from me for a couple of hours." She chuckles.
"You know I don't have time. And I'd rather spend my days off at home. Plus, I already do...otherkinds of hunting." I smirk trying to hide the darkness looming in my voice. She knows I'm referring to my job. My mother’s aware of what I experience but I spare her from all the gruesome, graphic details.
My mother sighs in defeat.
"Well, it's good to know your sick sense of humor is still intact."
Chapter9
ari
It's my last night of fun before I have to leave to start my job as a nurse. My travel fare is entirely paid for and a little barracks-esque room waits for me for the next six months. A few days have passed, and the town is recovering well after the impact of the hurricane. Luckily, the hurricane didn't cause too much damage in our area compared to the beach towns. Meredith has dragged us all out to the same bar on a Friday night, with our other friend Emilia and I'm not feeling up to it. Stress is overtaking my life. This is going to be my first time on a contract, and I just dove straight into the deep end of the pool choosing a military hospital in Iraq. I'm questioning myself repeatedly since then.
Why did I sign up to do this as my first experience on the job?
Then I remember, it's silly to question myself when my brothers' death is the reason for it all. I want to help men and women like him so I'm letting go of my doubt and giving it to God.
Give it to God and get wasted.
It's a short contract anyways. Only six months and then I’ll return back to North Carolina. I haven't talked to Danny since his tongue was inside of me on his couch in the middle of a hurricane. He hasn't reached out and I imagine he's already across the world by now. It's been about a week since then.
Why would he reach out anyways?
He's in special operations. Men like him and my brother were literally always gone. It was like I blinked and then they weren't there anymore. My brother was never home. And if he was home it was only for a little while and then he was somewhere doing something and he couldn't tell us a thing about it. His job was so secretive, and it sucked because I would have loved to know his stories. Things that he had experienced in different countries. Now that he's dead, I don't think I'll ever get to hear them.
It's getting close to one in the morning and the girls and I are dancing the night away. I'm sweating, and I can feel my eyes getting tired. I'm definitely buzzed but I want to keep drinking.
Meredith and Emilia follow me toward the bar. The music is so loud I can barely hear myself think. Country pop music is blasting and I'm growing tired of the same songs. Emilia is the sober one out of us three and our designated driver. I had spent the entire day before, studying trauma, so I can be prepared for the first day on the job.
I'm worried about leaving my mom. This is going to be her first time without both of her children close to her… but I know she's going to be okay. She's returned to the church more routinely since my brother's passing and made new church friends. So, she has a close group of friends that can distract her from my absence.
"Bitch,stop being so sad, you're killing our vibe." Meredith snaps, waving over the bartender, Gabriel. She's trying to get his attention while my mouth hangs open. She has always been so blunt and has no filter.
Meredith has grown close to Gabriel due to her constant trips to El Devine over the past year.
"I'm sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind." I snap back at her, leaning on the counter of the bar. I'm so easy to read and I hate that about my face.
"I can't believe you're leaving so soon and suddenly," Emilia whines behind me as she pushes her light brown hair away from her sweaty forehead with the palm of her hand.
"I know... I'm excited though. Nervous... but excited. I've worked so hard for this moment and it's so close." I say whiffing air against my neck hoping it would ease the heat and cool me down. I'm wearing an all-black blouse and jeans with my cowboy boots on.
"Paul would be so proud of you!" Meredith shouts in my ear. The music is so loud she thinks screaming in my ear is going to help her. I palm my ears, glaring at her.
"I can hear you fine! No need to yell at me!" I shout back. Meredith breaks out in giggles and I know the alcohol has taken over her. She ignores my evil eyes, and I can tell something has captured her attention. She looks behind me, her eyes widening with a smile tugging at her pink lips.
