Page 126 of Pretend
“Doctor said you couldn’t smoke.”
I take another hit, inhaling the bitter taste, and it sinks into my lungs. I blow out the smoke out the window.
“I know.”
Finally, I decide it is time to face the music. I honored her wishes and waited until I was discharged to open it. I open the crumpled, wrinkled letter and read.
Daegan,
I’m writing to you because I can’t say goodbye in person. I can’t look you in your eyes because I’ll sink back into you like a snowstorm I don’t want to be saved from. You’re my anchor, Daegan. You’re the light that shines through the grey, dangerous clouds that come to destroy me. On those days that the darkness overpowered me all year, you stood by me and went above and beyond to make sure I was okay, safe, and protected…always. This year, you’ve taught me a lot about myself. I hope that I’ve taught you things in return. Even though we agreed to do something that blurs many lines of my morals, I don’t regret falling for you. I heard everything you said to me when you held me in your arms, when Gabe shot you, and I want to thank you for saving my life. There are no amount of words of gratitude that would be enough to explain that. The main point of this letter is to tell you this. Time can be a gift, it can heal, or it can make us go down a path we don’t want to. And right now, I need time. You need time. So please…go do the good guy thing and let me go. I’ll do the bad guy thing, and I’ll leave.
~ Alessia
I fold the letter back up and put it in my jeans.
Fucking hell, Valentine.
I was already shot once. I don’t need to be shot twice.
52
GRAVES
I thoughtwe were on the same page. My stepbrother and I had that in common. After Stella and his mother left him, Daegan stopped believing in love. He put up a wall after his wife called him a monster and cheated on him.
I don’t think I’ve ever let myself be serious enough to even get close to that position where I dedicate myself to someone for a period of time.
I like my job. I like money. I like my cars. I like my mansion. I like sex.
I don’t love.
Dylan Hannibal wanted us over for dinner tonight since he hadn’t seen Daegan in years. Daegan hasn’t seen him since Dario’s injury that left him in a permanent wheelchair after being discharged from the military. Correction, he hasn’t seen Dario’s mother. My mother. Our parents are always together.
I love my mother, but the way she lives her life and the way I live mine has never aligned with her values and faith. We view life very differently. Daegan and I are similar in that way. Despite our parents living and dedicating their lives to the church, we have our own views on our religion.
Daegan hasn’t wanted to talk since Alessia left him. After his mother killed herself while he was in the living room, he didn’t want to talk to anyone for a long time, either. It took Dario and I years to get him to open up to us. Then high school rolled around, and we were inseparable. Daegan’s older brother,Dario, Daegan, and I were always up to no good. We all got matching archangel tattoos on our arms.
Then Stella came around. I never liked her, but she made him feel good for a period of time. She shed her skin, revealing she just liked to manipulate and control him because she could. She never wanted to be his wife. It was an impulse decision for her to marry him.
Our parents liked her. She came to church every Sunday. Her father donated buckets of money, and Daegan’s father pushed him to marry her because she was Catholic. My mother liked her too.
Ever since Dario joined the Navy with him, my mother turned her back on Daegan. This started a rift between Dylan and her. She thought Daegan was a bad influence on Dario because he wanted to go to war and not become a Priest like Dylan.
When Dario was injured, it only fueled her hatred for Daegan more.
Daegan hasn’t said anything since he read Alessia’s letter. He wants her. He’s been trying to find her and Gabe. El Devine has new management, and he’s been there every weekend as if he’s hoping she’ll walk through the doors. It helps him feel closer to her, I guess.
He’s been depressed, and I caught him drinking himself almost to the point of death one night. I was worried about him when he stopped returning my calls. I asked Kane and Danny if they’d seen or heard from him, but they hadn’t.
I broke into his house, and I found him with a gun in his hand and an empty bottle of bourbon. He was sprawled out on his bed, fully clothed and barely breathing.
He can’t find her.
And it’s killing him.
I made sure to get him medical care, sobered him up, flushed the alcohol out of his system, and granted him more time.
He’s gone back to work, and luckily for him, SEAL team Executioners haven’t been called out for any mission yet. He’s been volunteering for everything, going to work even when he’s not needed, but the Admiral shuts him down.
