Page 10 of Fear
“Up we go,” Jake said, aware even as he said it that it wasn’t something a guy like him would usually say to any sixteen-year-old. It sounded more like something that parents said when their toddler skinned a knee. Sounded like something that Mom might have said . . .
He withdrew from the hug, but only enough to stand and pull Tobias up with him. Tobias didn’t struggle, just looked confused and a little lost.
They were nearly eye to eye, almost the same height. The same. Jake had to remember that because it didn’t look like Tobias was going to be able to believe that on his own for a while. Jake felt lost himself, not at all qualified for anything that was happening.
But he was the best Tobias had right now, and he would damn well make it work.
It was weird and a little disturbing, making a frozen pizza with Tobias following him around like a desperate puppy or a lost five-year-old. The kitchen wasn’t exactly big. As Jake had suspected, they were touching almost constantly while searching for the tray and taking out the pizza. He almost whacked Tobias in the face opening the freezer door, and he definitely bumped into him when he ripped open the package on the pepperoni pizza a little too enthusiastically, but . . . it worked. Tobias ducked the door and only looked nervous for a second before actually grinning—just a flash—at Jake’s “Fuck, sorry, damn door.” Then when Jake stumbled into him, Tobias leaned forward, supporting him, and Jake had to make an effort to focus and not to get lost in how goddamn surreal and wonderful it was to have Tobias right there, alive, a soft heat against his shoulders, those eyes locking on him every time he opened his mouth.
Jake gave up on finding the pizza tray—he’d bought it because it had seemed like a good idea at the time, and Chad, the guy at the store, had been really persuasive, not to mention the damn sexy smile he’d flashed at Jake. Anyway, the directions on the cardboard said they could just put it in the oven, so Jake did. Then they waited, the second sausage pizza thawing on the stove. It felt awkward to Jake just to stand in front of an oven waiting for the food to be done, like it was a jack-in-the-box about to give them a prize, but he didn’t want to suggest that Tobias sit down or go sit down himself.
It was only a little burnt around the edges when Jake slid the pizza out (thank God Chad had mentioned oven mitts). “Sit down, Tobias. I don’t want to dump cheese on you.”
Tobias jumped back and took his original chair, and Jake plopped the pizza down between them.
Jake let himself sit and close his eyes for a second. Cooking was exhausting, and being so aware of Tobias every second was exhausting, and he was going to pretend they were letting the pizza cool and not that something was really, really messed up and he didn’t know what he was doing.
Of course, stillness didn’t last long. Jake’s stomach growled, so he opened his eyes, smiled at Tobias, who was watching him—as though the apartment could be firebombed and Tobias wouldn’t move unless he saw Jake reacting first—and reached for a slice. He almost burned his fingers off.
“Dammit,” he said, shaking his hand. Tobias jumped when he swore, his eyes widening, but relaxed and almost smiled when Jake grinned ruefully at him. “That pizza is hot,” Jake said. “Be careful, okay?”
Tobias nodded and watched while Jake used a hastily retrieved fork to scoop a piece of the soggy, cheesy pepperoni pizza onto his plate.
Jake got a sick, niggling feeling in his stomach when Tobias didn’t reach for his fork or make any move toward the pizza, but he ignored it. Instead, he used his own fork to put the most pepperoni-laden slice of pizza on Tobias’s plate. He couldn’t decide if the way Tobias’s smile widened—like Jake had just done the most wonderful thing in the world—made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside or just increased the queasiness.
Jake decided that this was another thing he couldn’t think about right now, and he started to eat.
Halfway through his first slice, he acknowledged to himself that Tobias hadn’t taken a bite. When he picked up his second, he did his best to smile. “You can eat it, you know. It’s not too hot anymore.”
Tobias started slowly, cautiously, eating about half of his slice in the time it took Jake to swallow his second. When Jake helped himself to a third, he put a second on Tobias’s plate. He wasn’t sure what this was, if Tobias didn’t think that Jake wanted him to eat or if he was just being careful. Jake knew that if you didn’t eat for a while—he’d gotten lost in the woods once—if you ate food too fast, it would just come right back up. And Tobias certainly hadn’t been eating like a king in Freak Camp.
Maybe, a little voice inside Jake murmured, maybe he didn’t eat anything at all, and you just let it keep happening.
Tobias ate a little faster with the second piece on his plate, so Jake made sure that every time he got himself a slice, he put another on Tobias’s plate. Sure, he was still a slice ahead, but that was better than watching while Tobias ate one slice and Jake finished off the entire pizza—which he suspected would be the other possibility.
After the last slice had disappeared, Jake decided he wasn’t going to ask if Tobias was still hungry. Jake was still hungry, and Jake had gotten one more piece.
He stood, then paused to look at Tobias. “Want to hang out in the kitchen while I make the next pizza?” He thought that it would be pushing it a little to say that Tobias could help him make it when all Jake had to do was rip the plastic off and put it in the oven, but he wanted it to be clear that he didn’t mind if Tobias followed him. That he seriously did want Tobias close, he just didn’t want to accidentally push him into the oven.
Tobias bounced up right away, as Jake had known he would.
Making the second pizza was easier because Jake had the hang of it and Tobias stayed farther away, leaning against the cupboard. It hurt, the way he kind of leaned away from Jake, but Jake figured Tobias also didn’t want to be accidentally pushed into the oven.
When the timer went off, Jake took out the pizza—slightly more burnt than the last one, probably preheating or some occult curse or something, what the hell did he know about any of this?—and Tobias hurried back to the table.
This time, Jake put two pieces of pizza on Tobias’s plate right away just to ease the gnawing feeling that he was cheating him. It wasn’t like Jake would starve to death because he was missing one piece of pizza or something, and Tobias . . . yeah, maybe Tobias could.
Tobias looked at the pizza, looked at Jake, and then ate, finally losing an edge of tension that had been in his shoulders through the first pizza. So subtle that Jake hadn’t noticed before, but now that it was gone . . . hell.
“You can help yourself to pizza too,” Jake said. “That’s cool, Tobias.”
Tobias stopped smiling, stopped eating, just looked him in the eye for a second. Then he looked back down to his plate and picked up the slice. “Okay, Jake.”
From then on, Tobias ate, not fast, not slow, just at about the same pace as Jake. He never reached for his own piece of pizza, but Jake put slices on his plate anyway.
When the second pizza was gone, Jake leaned back, as satisfied with the food as he wasn’t with how everything else had had gone tonight. Still, he had to admit, it had gone better than the previous night.
Even just thinking that made him wince. Not much from last night could have gone worse. But tonight . . . tonight was better. Jake would take better when he could get it.
