Page 12 of Fear
“Nope,” Jake said, taking a swig of coffee. “You needed it, so no problem. You hungry?”
Tobias hesitated, and Jake interpreted that as yes. He set his mug down, lowered the volume on the TV, and went into the kitchen. “I got Cheerios and Lucky Charms—I figure cereal is always good, yeah?—but we’re going to start with the Lucky Charms because I need sugar.”
Jake took out bowls, glasses, and spoons and was cheered when Tobias divided them between their two spots on the table without being told, asked, or nudged. He overlooked how Tobias glanced at him every time he touched a new object, like he expected . . . fuck, Jake didn’t want to know. He just put out the milk, orange juice, and cereally goodness and kept smiling at Tobias as he sat down.
Jake didn’t wait for Tobias to reach for the cereal. He didn’t think he would, and Jake hated that, but if it were a choice between spoon-feeding him or Tobias not eating, there was no question what Jake would do.
He filled both bowls with Lucky Charms and milk, then hesitated over the orange juice. He glanced at Tobias, whose eyes were wide and delighted, like they were every time Jake put food on his plate. “You okay with OJ?”
It was a fucking simple question, but Tobias froze like Jake had asked him if he wanted fried scorpion for dinner. He nodded stiffly at the bowls. “W-w-whatever you want, Jake.”
That wasn’t really an answer, but Jake shouldn’t have been surprised. And he wasn’t, really. Which sucked.
Jake poured milk into both bowls and resolved that the second Tobias started feeling more comfortable, relaxing a little bit in this apartment that was theirs and not just Jake’s, Jake would start asking him what he wanted and actually push to get an answer. He would not just take over Tobias’s life because that was easy and seemed to make Tobias stop twitching. Tobias deserved better than that. Jake would ask.
But Jake figured for now they were both entitled to take the easy way out a few times.
Jake sat, nodded at Tobias’s spoon, and dug in.
He watched out of the corner of his eye as Tobias cautiously picked up his spoon, visibly braced himself to take a bite, and then fell back against his chair, eyes flickering closed in something like bliss when he crunched into his first super-sweet marshmallow.
Jake grinned to himself and let Tobias chew before looking up. “Like it?” Not that he didn’t know the answer, but he wanted to hear it. Partly because he wanted Tobias to be comfortable enough to tell him these things, and partly because when Tobias was filled with this much joy, Jake wanted to hold onto it as long as he could.
Tobias looked up, eyes sober, intent, and for one stomach-dropping moment Jake thought that he wasn’t going to say it, that Jake had read him wrong, or maybe Lucky Charms was such a wonderful experience than Tobias wouldn’t want to share it with Jake. “These are really good, Jake. I . . . thank you. I l-like them a lot.” Tobias looked down and filled his spoon with vaguely pink milk. “This is milk? It’s really good. I’m sorry I . . . I’m sorry. Thank you.”
Jake decided not to think right now about what that response meant. He grinned at Tobias. “That’s good. Awesome. Want some more?”
Tobias made another one of those vague motions that Jake decided meant yes, and he refilled both their bowls.
They ate for a while longer, and then Jake cleared his throat. “So, I’ve been thinking.” He paused to take another bite and chew, ignoring how Tobias twitched, tensed, and then visibly forced himself to relax. His spoon came to a rest at the edge of his bowl. “This is all really new for you and stuff, I get that. So, here’s what’s going to happen. If I’m going too fast for you, or something happens and you have questions, you ask them, and I’ll do my best to figure it out with you, okay?”
Tobias relaxed a little bit more, and Jake felt heartened. So he got to the next part, the part that had been plaguing him all night and that he really didn’t want to bring up, though he knew he had to. Not just because of how nervous and . . . pliant Tobias was, but because of how disastrously their first night had gone and the kinds of expectations Tobias seemed to have. They were . . .
Well, they were sickening, that was what they were. Jake didn’t want to think about it for even a second longer. But he had to say this.
“I know . . . this is a big change for you, so I’ll say this once, a hundred times, as many times as you need it. I’m not going to get rid of you, and getting you out of FREACS wasn’t about you doing anything for me or . . . to me, or . . . sex. I want you with me, Tobias, until you want to walk away, and there’s nothing you can do that’s going to make me toss you out, or take you back, or anything. Does that make sense?”
Tobias had let go of his spoon at the beginning of the speech, then watched Jake’s face intently, staring so hard that Jake felt a little uncomfortable, like Tobias could stare straight through him to all the dirty corners of his mind. At the end, Tobias hesitated, took a sharp breath, and then shook his head, hard. He lowered his eyes and his hands twisted together at the edge of the table, hard enough to whiten the skin.
Jake reached over for one of his hands. He thought that he might have to wrestle it out of Tobias’s death grip, but it loosened easily at his touch. Once again, Tobias looked like Jake had done something miraculous.
“Hey, look at me,” Jake said, and Tobias did. Fuck, with that look again. “I’m not getting rid of you, I swear to God. And I’m not making any demands either. I’m not even looking for anything to get PG, okay? We’re gonna keep it strictly G.”
Tobias licked his lips, and his hand tightened around Jake’s. “P-P-PG. What does that . . . does that m-mean?”
Jake stared at him. “PG, like, movie ratings. You know?”
Tobias didn’t know. That was written all over his face.
Jake leaned over the table, one hand still wrapped in Tobias’s. He rested an elbow on the table and his head in that hand and breathed for a moment. Tobias’s hand in his was a warm, solid comfort, and Jake was grateful for it. If this kept up, he was going to need as much G-rated comfort that he could get. “Okay, well. We’ve got a lot to cover, but I’ll watch out for you. Don’t worry.”
Tobias offered another small, heartbreaking smile, and together he and Jake cleared the table. Jake gave Tobias his toiletries bag and pointed him to the bathroom through Jake’s room so he could shower. When Tobias came out, hair wet, wearing a new set of Jake’s old clothes, Jake glanced up from taking inventory of his first aid kit and smiled, and Tobias smiled back cautiously before settling on the couch.
Eventually, Jake noticed that Tobias kept glancing at the bookshelf, then away, over and over again. It made Jake smile, his best smile yet that morning, remembering the little kid who loved to tell him about his reading and researching.
“You can read those,” Jake offered. “I got most of them for you, anyway.”
Tobias stared at him, wonder bright in his eyes. He moved off the couch, cautiously approaching the sparsely filled bookshelf—Jake had been planning to get some more books for him, but he hadn’t been sure what Tobias would like, and bookstores weren’t his usual hangouts. Finally, he withdrew a book: one of the thickest and most boring-looking. He glanced at Jake, but Jake smiled encouragingly and continued searching the kit for any other bloody gauze that had somehow ended up back in there.
