Page 16 of Fear
Jake pressed on anyway. “We need to get you shirts and stuff, things that are yours instead of my secondhand crap. I was thinking . . . I mean, you seem to be fitting all right in my things.” That stretched the truth more than a little. Jake’s clothes hung off of Tobias; it was a wonder he could keep the jeans up. “I could go out on a run and get some more in about the same size. That way you don’t have to worry about . . . going out, the hassle.”
This was not how Jake wanted to do it. He didn’t want to pick out Tobias’s clothes for him. He wanted Tobias to choose his own clothes for the first time in his life, to have options and use them. But after yesterday, he wasn’t about to push Tobias into something he wasn’t ready for.
Tobias twisted in his seat before visibly forcing his head up, and the pain and fear in his expression struck Jake cold and soured the milk in his stomach. Tobias struggled to speak—it was clearly even harder than usual, but Tobias seemed determined to get the words out. “N-n-no, I—I want to go. I want to t-try again. I can d-do better, Jake, if you’ll let me t-try.”
“Tobias.” Jake reached across the table and laid his fingers over Tobias’s hand, and Tobias stilled at once, dropping his eyes even as some of the tension left his shoulders. Jake didn’t understand how Tobias could react that way to Jake’s touches when the rest of the time, he seemed to expect Jake to swing at him. “You do not have to go. I’m not going to be disappointed in you or . . . anything. I want you to take all of this slow, easy . . .”
Tobias shook his head, eyes shut. “I can,” he said, in no more than a whisper. “I can do this.”
As soft as they were, Tobias’s words held a confidence and determination that Jake had never heard in him before. They sent a thrill through him, followed by a surge of amazement and hope. He tightened his hand around Tobias’s. “Okay. Good. We can do this, Tobias. We’ll get through it.”
Tobias opened his eyes and met Jake’s, and he smiled—a little tremulously and not very big, but a smile all the same.
It was hard to shake the feeling they were crossing a salt line when they’d stepped out the front door. Well, they were—Jake had packed lines of salt under the carpet when he moved in—but the feeling of moving into danger made his hand drift toward the knife at his hip and sharpened every sense. Tobias kept close to Jake, eyes lowered, but he seemed calm, braced, and nowhere near the panic of the other day, so Jake wasn’t going to complain. The short walk was uneventful and the drive quiet, with Tobias looking out the window—that was something, at least—and Jake shooting him glances when he could take his eyes off the road.
Jake had scouted out the town more than once in the months he had waited and agonized about Tobias’s fucking paperwork, and he’d found some big department stores. He’d planned to bring Tobias there and give him the biggest selection of decent, brand-new clothes he could, whatever Tobias wanted.
Today, Jake knew better.
He drove them just a few blocks to a small thrift shop attached to an auto garage. He couldn’t guarantee Tobias would be okay in it, but at least the type of place was familiar territory for Jake, and he’d be better able to react when—if—something went wrong.
After shutting off the engine, he hesitated, watching Tobias. “You okay?”
Tobias nodded. His eyes seemed distant, but he looked calm.
All the same, when Jake held the door open for them to enter the store, he couldn’t stop himself from grabbing Tobias’s hand. He hadn’t planned the move, but it seemed to be the right one, because Tobias gripped back tightly, even as he kept his eyes studiously on the carpet.
The shopping was pretty straightforward. Clothes didn’t seem to have the same effect on Tobias that packaged food did, or maybe he was just prepared this time for the aisles, passing people—whatever had set him off before. At any rate, Jake knew now what to do. Picking out a handful of jeans, plus a pair of sweatpants, was the easiest. He just had to throw a couple belts into the basket to make sure the jeans wouldn’t fall off Tobias’s hips. He wasn’t sure about asking Tobias if he wanted to hold the basket—he didn’t mind holding it and Tobias’s hand, but he needed another hand free to browse—but Tobias took it without hesitation, folding his hand carefully around the handles.
The selection of men’s shirts didn’t leave many hard choices either. Jake wasn’t exactly the height of fashion, but what he usually wore—solid-colored tees and long-sleeved overshirts with subdued prints—blended in nearly everywhere, which was pretty much what Tobias needed about now. Jake picked up some jackets—he’d already caught Tobias hugging himself like he was too damned cold, probably lacking the reserves to produce enough body heat on his own—a couple sealed packages of boxers, another of socks, and there, mission accomplished. Under fifteen minutes.
The whole time Tobias never raised his eyes, never showed any interest in what Jake was throwing in the basket, but he wasn’t crumpling up in a wreck and forgetting how to breathe either, and that was a major improvement. Jake only let go of his hand to pay.
After they were safely back in the Eldorado, he released a big breath and glanced at Tobias. That had felt riskier than scouting a Chupacabra nest without backup. “Well, we may never get hired to shop for those chicks on Clueless, but I think we pulled that off pretty good.” He held up one of the shirts, grinning, but it was hard to hold onto the joke when he felt like he’d won a very small battle in a very large war. The last bit, the bit he had to say, came out more seriously than he meant it to because he did mean every word. “You did good, Tobias. That was really good.”
Tobias’s mouth curved up into a small smile, though he still didn’t raise his head.
I’ll work on that later, Jake thought to himself, but his hand didn’t see the need to wait. He touched Tobias’s chin to turn that delicate, so-breakable smile up so he could see it, so he could let it soak into him like rain, opening the flowers, softening the earth.
I want to end everything that ever wiped away these smiles, Jake thought fleetingly. Without thinking, he brought Tobias’s hand to his lips, pressing them to the back of his hand.
Tobias’s mouth parted in astonishment, but there was no fear—only an indescribable look that maybe, just maybe, Jake dared to call joy. Then Jake gave in the rest of the way, leaning into the plastic bags of clothes piled between them, and pulled Tobias to him.
To his relief, Tobias didn’t freeze but relaxed into him. His cheek settled against Jake’s chest, and his hands cautiously rose—not to wrap around Jake’s back in return, but to take hold of Jake’s jacket. Not in a death grip but something easier, more comfortable and trusting, and it was the best thing Jake could have asked for after the previous day of hell.
There would be more curveballs to come, but in this moment, they could just relish being together and safe. For the first time in what felt like years but had barely been days, Jake felt content.
Chapter Four
Jake’s exhilaration lasted during their journey home, when Tobias tried on his new clothes—some things were baggier than others, but at least Tobias had his own stuff now—and for dinner time to roll around.
Once more, Jake found himself looking morosely into the refrigerator. They had plenty of food (damn grocery trip was worth something, at least), but somehow there wasn’t much he felt confident cooking.
He eyed the hamburgers warily. He had made Hamburger Helper a few times and not burned anything—actually, he loved Hamburger Helper, it was the closest thing to childhood comfort food that didn’t come out of plastic wrap or get cooked over a fire—and he’d felt optimistic about the little preformed patties when he’d seen them in the store. But now, resting expectantly on the white wire shelf, they looked very raw and pink and uncooked. Given the way most of the week had gone, Jake would probably give them both salmonella. Or burn the apartment down.
Definitely won’t get the deposit back then. Jake closed the refrigerator grimly.
“Hey, Tobias, what do you think about going out tonight?” After the grocery store meltdown, Jake had seriously considered locking them in and eating nothing but delivery Chinese food for the rest of their natural lives—and depending on the quality of the Chinese food, that could be long or short, you never knew—but Tobias had done so much better at the thrift shop. Even though there had been a couple creepers lurking in the corners, and one asshole had looked at Tobias in a way Jake did not like at all. He’d resisted the urge to pull his knife on the bastard, instead meeting his eyes and pointedly placing his hand on his knife’s hilt.
