Page 2 of Fear
She was talking to him. The real was talking to him, thinking he was a real too, and the second he opened his mouth—
Terrified, Tobias squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, bowing it to the table.
“Two Cokes,” he heard Jake say.
The woman walked away, and Tobias still couldn’t move, every joint in his body and thought in his head locked up tight. He couldn’t do this, and he knew he was disappointing Jake, already couldn’t meet his expectations, and Jake was about to realize how worthless he was—
“Hey, Tobias,” Jake said softly, and Tobias hunched down tighter. Jake’s fingertips brushed the back of Tobias’s hand again, and Tobias barely managed to minimize the flinch this time. “Hey, it’s okay. I know this is all really new, but . . . do you want to come sit by me?”
Shocked, Tobias dared to peek up through his hair. Jake didn’t look remotely angry, just that same strange worry and concern on his face. He tilted his head toward the unoccupied cushion next to him.
Tobias chose to believe in the offer, to believe it was okay to accept. He nodded.
Jake let go of his hand to slide out of the seat, standing up, and Tobias scrambled out and around, pushing himself in as far as he could go. Jake settled in next to him and, after a second’s hesitation, laid his arm over Tobias’s shoulders. Instantly, Tobias relaxed, the tension rolling down and out. The weight of Jake’s arm was immensely comforting, and with Jake as a barrier between him and the reals, he felt reassured. He breathed out, slouching down.
“You’re okay,” Jake said quietly, then slid a large laminated sheet over in front of him. “Anything look good?”
It was hard to make any sense out of the text. He recognized ingredients, food—but he couldn’t begin to think about any of it as actual choices, as food that would appear in front of him, just like for any real. Impossible—and besides, his stomach was still roiling as it had from the moment he’d stepped out of the car. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast (a few spoonfuls of something that was supposed to be porridge, though it left a strong bitter aftertaste), but he didn’t feel remotely hungry, wasn’t sure how he’d be able to swallow anything even if somehow he did manage to choke out the words to order it like a real.
Finally, Tobias shrugged, bending his head to speak into Jake’s shoulder. “Whatever you want.”
Jake’s fingers tapped a nervous rhythm against Tobias’s arm, then slowed to rub more deliberately. Tobias breathed out, closing his eyes.
“I’m thinking a basic cheeseburger,” Jake said, in a good attempt at his usual easy nonchalance. “Plus fries and onion rings. The onion rings are the real attraction, they don’t make them like this anywhere else. Trust me, I’ve looked.”
As Jake talked, Tobias relaxed a little more. This was more familiar now: even when he didn’t really know what Jake was talking about, the confidence and sound of Jake’s voice alone was enough to lull him almost into believing he was safe, that no one could hurt him. The idea that he was out of Freak Camp was still too enormous, too overwhelming to feel true, but as alien and terrifying as the real world was, he could believe now that Jake would take care of him. Jake got him out; he wasn’t going to let Tobias walk into something that would get him thrown straight back in. Jake knew Tobias better than that, trusted him to be better than that. Tobias felt a little ashamed, like his fear was an insult. If Jake thought he could eat with reals, sit beside him like an actual person and order real food, then he could.
All the same, when their drinks and food arrived, he couldn’t bring his head up to look at the waitress. Jake pressed his shoulder against Tobias’s once more before letting go to move one plate in front of Tobias and pile the baskets between them.
The cheeseburger was similar to the ones Jake had brought him before, only so much larger and more vivid and real. Tobias recognized the fries from the greasy paper bags with the M logo that Jake had brought him before, which left the fried circles as the “onion rings” Jake had mentioned.
Jake grinned at him, nudging him with his elbow, and picked up his own cheeseburger. “C’mon, Tobias, eat up.”
Tobias obediently reached for his burger like Jake had, brought it to his lips, and took a bite.
The flavors and textures exploded in his mouth, slid down his tongue, and he had to stop chewing and put the burger down just to marvel at the moment. Bread and meat and cheese, but nothing like any bread and meat he had had in camp. This tasted good, completely good, and not a bit like insects or rot or dirt. He didn’t even have words for the flavors, the sensations on his tongue, except he knew that this food was a hundred percent real. Perhaps everything Jake had brought him before had lost some of its realness as it passed through the walls of Freak Camp.
Jake was halfway through his burger already but paused before another bite to check on him. “Your burger okay?”
Tobias hurriedly snatched the burger back up and took another bite, working hard to ignore how fucking fantastic it tasted in the need to show Jake that he was appreciating the food Jake had given him, hoping that Jake wouldn’t take it away.
Then he had to swallow, and almost choked, but it worked out okay. “No, Jake. It’s good. It’s fine. It’s . . .” Tobias struggled for the words that would show Jake how much he truly appreciated the food, how grateful he was that he had lived long enough to experience this. Heavenly, so fucking good, cosmic. “It’s delicious,” he said at last, and he must have said it with more intensity than he intended, because Jake laughed. Tobias felt an instant of nerves, but the fear of losing the rest of the meal faded away when he saw the smile on Jake’s face.
“I’m glad you like it, Toby.” Jake’s bright grin was almost as wonderful as the taste of burger on Tobias’s tongue and even more satisfying than how the food eased some of the hunger he hadn’t known he was feeling beyond the roiling of his stomach. “Come on, keep going.”
Tobias ate, and Jake ate, and it was, again, the best moment of Tobias’s life. He did his best not to make excessive noises of sheer joy and wonder when he crunched into the onion rings, and he watched Jake eat. He marveled at Jake’s lack of hurry or watchfulness. Sure, Jake ate quickly, but who wouldn’t with food this good? At camp, no matter how bad the meal had been, the monsters had scarfed it down so other monsters couldn’t take it away, and so the guards wouldn’t start to think that the monsters were overfed and needed smaller rations. But none of that fear was in Jake as he savored his food, and just like always in Jake’s presence, Tobias couldn’t hold on to it for himself either. None of the reals were looking in their direction; the waitress barely glanced at them. It was just him and Jake, eating, Jake’s arm brushing his every time he lifted french fries to his lips.
At the end of the meal, there was pie. Jake ordered a slice for each of them, apple and cherry with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on each.
As he gave the waitress the order, Jake slid his hand over Tobias’s on the table. Tobias stared at it, then dropped his head, unable to stop the smile on his face or the way his heart rate picked up when Jake touched him. He hoped the real waitress hadn’t noticed, but he also didn’t really care. All that mattered was what Jake wanted. Jake could do anything he wanted to Tobias. And Jake had touched him again, hand to hand, every time so gentle.
The slices of pie came to them in neat wedges, each on its own plate, covered in ice cream and whipped cream. Tobias felt a little nervous when Jake picked up his fork to cut off a bite—he recognized the utensil from his studies and from serving the Director, but he’d never handled one personally before. To his relief, he managed to copy and master Jake’s movement. A lot had depended on him learning basic physical maneuvers quickly in the last year—gestures to neutralize a witch’s hex bag, knife moves, the basic choreography necessary for the consecration of defiled ground—so he had no problem bringing the brightly colored red pie to his mouth.
It was again an explosion of mind-blowing flavors in Tobias’s mouth, nothing he could begin to process. He had to stop for a moment, fork in hand, and Jake laughed again and nudged their shoulders together. He still wasn’t upset.
“Better than when it comes from my pocket, huh?” Jake asked, and Tobias almost shook his head, but Jake’s tone was light and he was still smiling. “I’m just glad that I finally get to feed you the real stuff. It’s been a long six months, Toby.”
A long six months. It seemed at once impossible, absurd, that it had been only six months since the last time Jake had visited Tobias at FREACS, when they had played cards in a quiet room that usually contained screams. But it also seemed infinitely longer, that the last time Jake had visited Tobias was as ancient and dream-insubstantial as the memory of Becca’s single-handed hug. Six months, but they had been worth it. This was heaven. He had been in hell, and somehow Jake had broken in and taken him to heaven. He never would have deserved this without having first endured that hell, without finishing the Director’s training. It was all worth it now to be with Jake.
