Page 3 of Fear
BACK IN THE CAR, JAKE turned the key in the ignition, though not before reaching over to squeeze Tobias’s hand. He held on longer than he had in the restaurant. “I’m so happy, Tobias,” he said, warm gaze on him. “I’m so happy you’re here. Look, I got us a place in Boulder, but that’s a bit of a drive. What do you say we just check into a hotel here, get a good night’s sleep, and then head out in the morning?” He smirked. “Not that I couldn’t drive it. I’ve made longer drives with less sleep and shrapnel in my shoulder to boot, but it’d be nice to get into Boulder when you can actually see things, since it’s your first time seeing . . . anything, you know? What do you think?”
“That sounds wonderful, Jake,” Tobias said. You are wonderful.
Jake pressed his hand lightly, not at all to hurt. “Cool.”
There was less to see in the small town in the dark, but Tobias could lean back against the leather seat and listen to the purr of Jake’s car. This day had been so good. Jake was so good, as Tobias had always known he would be. But Tobias knew what a hotel meant from the things the guards said to each other about what they liked to do there. Hearing that word in Jake’s voice made something clench in his stomach, reminded him that Jake hadn’t taken him out of FREACS for the hell of it, or because Tobias was a real or something. Jake had been damn good to him, and now that they were away from camp, with its cameras that Jake had never liked, and now that they’d eaten, Jake would expect him to start paying him back.
Back in Freak Camp, Tobias wouldn’t have worried quite as much. He was obedient. He was good with his mouth. He knew what was expected. But nothing since Jake had taken him from Freak Camp’s walls was familiar, and anything unfamiliar was dangerous. Jake had been so good to him today. Tobias couldn’t remember the last time he had been this well-fed or gone without any kind of pain or threat of pain for so long. Despite everything the Director had painstakingly taught him, he wasn’t sure he had enough skills or understanding of what Jake wanted to pay for that wonderfulness.
His stomach wasn’t so full he didn’t feel a knot of nerves forming. He knew what was coming, though he also didn’t know. For years he had been saving himself for Jake, but his total lack of experience with this one crucial act made him more apprehensive than any prospect of pain or degradation could. Jake was so kind to him—getting him out, feeding him the best food, reals’ food—that Tobias didn’t care if Jake turned out to be as vicious as Crusher in bed. That was hard to imagine, anyway, but even if that were the case, Tobias wouldn’t mind. He’d undergo anything for Jake and thank him for it. He’d be glad to thank him, not like when the Director made him express gratitude for a beating that made him a tiny bit less of a useless monster-whore. However Jake chose to treat him was more than Tobias deserved, just because it would be Jake’s hands.
While the prospect of intense pain and blood didn’t faze him (it really didn’t, not if it meant that he was Jake’s at last), he was worried about how he would handle it since it was his first time. God, what if he did something that disgusted Jake or made him uncomfortable, something monstrous? Tobias would rather Jake drove nails through his hand to hold him down than for one second regret getting him out.
He still couldn’t believe this was actually about to happen, tonight, what he’d been holding on to for all those years. All those threats and close calls with Crusher and others—the possibility of getting fucked by them had been the one thing he had been truly afraid of, far more than his own death. If Crusher hadn’t been interrupted those times when he’d pinned Tobias down in the shower and breaking room, all Tobias would have been able to hope for would have been not to survive the experience. There would have been no point, no hope remaining that Jake would ever come back for him. Tobias had never let himself linger long on that nightmare, but now that he was here beside Jake—finally safe for the first time in his life, with nothing to stop Jake from being his first that same night—he couldn’t help shuddering at how very close it had been.
Jake glanced at him, hand still gentle over his. “You okay?”
Tobias smiled, unable to hold back his giddy relief. “Yeah. I’m—I’m so glad, Jake.”
Jake’s warm gaze had him closing his eyes, overcome with bliss. Everything, he thought. Everything was worth this, right now.
The high lasted until they pulled in front of a building with a sign reading Holiday Inn, and Jake paused as he turned off the car. “I’m gonna run in and get a room. You okay waiting here?”
Tobias nodded automatically and watched Jake stride past the glass doors.
Alone, his uncertainty grew, along with the gnawing suspicion that he would end up badly disappointing Jake if he didn’t find out, right now, what was expected of him. He knew it wouldn’t be exactly the same as what the guards did and liked. For instance, Tobias was pretty positive Jake wouldn’t want to hear him scream or cry, so he had resolved not to make a sound, no matter how bad it got.
But he couldn’t decide whether Jake would mind if, afterward, he got up to clean off the blood. Sometimes the guards and hunters wanted to leave it to show what they’d done. He was almost sure Jake wouldn’t mind (it didn’t pay to be sure of anything, ever; Tobias couldn’t trust his judgment), but he should ask to be certain. But what if that made Jake angry? Maybe he was just supposed to know one way or the other. God, Tobias had never been so afraid of making the wrong move. The consequences of failing, disappointing, losing Jake were more dire than any punishment he’d ever faced.
His building apprehension was cut short when Jake opened the driver’s door, dropping back onto the seat. “Okay, we’re all set. Room 112, it’s on the other side, she said. Two singles, hope that’s okay.” He slid a quick glance over to Tobias.
Tobias had no idea what that meant, but he nodded quickly before Jake could interpret his silence as reluctance.
As Jake drove them around the parking lot, Tobias reviewed his resolutions. No sounds. No hesitation. Don’t blank out, no matter what, you have to stay aware to respond to whatever cues he gives you. If he wants you to move, move and move quickly. Best not to get up afterward until he tells you to.
But his certainty wavered again. What if Jake expected . . . what if Tobias disgusted him by doing the wrong thing? Surely it would be better just to ask now. Jake couldn’t get angrier with Tobias now for asking than he would be when Tobias actually fucked up in the middle of everything because he didn’t ask. Jake had to forgive him for being stupid, especially since surely this counted as the early stage of training—
“I think this is as close as we’re going to get. Everybody always wants to park by the pool, you know.”
Tobias jumped, but Jake was already out of the car, heading toward the trunk. Tobias scrambled after him, breath caught in his throat. The opportunity had passed. He could only hope now that he could wing it to Jake’s satisfaction.
Jake pulled out two duffel bags from the black hole of the Eldorado’s trunk, and Tobias reached to take them, but Jake slung them over his own shoulder before slamming the trunk shut. “Nah, I got it.”
Tobias yanked his hand back, face burning. See, those are the kind of stupid assumptions that make you so worthless, that are going to get you thrown back into Freak Camp before you know it, that are going to make Jake hate you. He should have known better than to think Jake would want a freak handling his personal things.
Jake was already fiddling with a key at a door, one of an identical series along the wall, only marked with sequential numbers. Tobias swallowed hard before hurrying to Jake’s side. That had been a mistake, but he was lucky that Jake didn’t seem angry about it. Tobias was still okay.
But when the door swung open and he saw two beds set apart, he couldn’t smother a brief flash of disappointment. He had been hoping he’d get to lie next to Jake afterward, but it seemed Jake wanted to keep his bed clean. Which made sense, really, he shouldn’t have been surprised.
Jake swung his bags onto the nearer bed, and one of them landed with a clunk and clatter. Tobias’s body locked up, his mouth gone dry. Jake’s tools were in there. Tools he had brought in to have on hand with Tobias.
Jake spared him a half-glance over his shoulder. “C’mon in, you’re gonna let the bedbugs out.”
The order unlocked his paralysis. Tobias hastily stepped inside, shutting the door behind him, and forced his attention away from the closed bag on the bed.
Then he realized that for the first time in eleven years, he didn’t know what to do in the presence of a real or where to go. With the Director, he’d be on his knees in a corner, head down, waiting for the first instruction—but Tobias’s brain balked at putting Jake and the Director together, refused to finish the thought or let it send him to his knees. Not yet, not now.
Where did Jake want him?
