Page 32 of Fear
He barely heard the reply. “I’m sorry,” Tobias whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Tobias, what—” Jake glanced around. The corners were empty, the shadows looked normal, everything seemed to be in place. Then, still moving cautiously, he came to the edge of the bed, set his weapon on the floor—ignoring the little voice that sounded an awful lot like his father telling him he was a fucking idiot for letting go of his weapon—and sat next to Tobias. He took a deep breath. “Toby, are you okay?”
Tobias got out a couple more low I’m sorrys before the question seemed to sink in. “I’m f-fine,” he said, mostly into the covers.
If Da—Roger had tried to give him shit like that, Jake would have snarled that he wasn’t a fucking idiot, but . . . fuck.
“Were you hurt somewhere I couldn’t see?” A fall down stone stairs could leave bruises, sprains, internal injuries Jake couldn’t have seen from the quick check he gave Tobias at the bagel shop. Tobias could have been bleeding for two hours and Jake wouldn’t have known. He couldn’t stop his hand from sliding over Tobias’s wrist, not holding but just touching the new gauze covering it. “Tobias, if you were hurt, you need—”
“I s-s-swear to you, Jake, I w-wouldn’t l-l-lie to you.”
Tobias was curling tighter into a ball as Jake sat next to him, the wrist beneath his hand perhaps the only thing that hadn’t moved, hadn’t tightened protectively. Jake wanted to hug him, wanted to tell him it was okay, but he didn’t even know what this was, and the hunter in him had to ask the questions that he maybe didn’t want an answer to. “I came in because there was a thumping sound. Did you hear that, or did I . . .”
Tobias flinched and turned his face completely into the pillow. His shoulders were shaking.
Jake didn’t need to hear what Tobias was saying to know. When he gently turned him over, the I’m sorry hit him like a blow. Even though it might not have been a good idea, even though Tobias hadn’t exactly reacted great the last time few times Jake had held him, doing nothing felt far worse.
Jake pulled him up, into his arms, and held him while Tobias shook. “Shhhh, it’s okay.”
“I’m sorry I’m such a freak.” Tobias jerked in his arms from the force of the word, rocking the bed against the bedside table with a thud. “I’m sorry I c-c-can’t stop. I’m sorry.”
Thumping noise. Okay, good, not a monster coming through the window and the salt lines to kill them. Just Tobias. Fuck.
“It’s okay, Tobias,” Jake repeated, and let himself touch Tobias’s head, stroking his hair. He was pretty sure that any second now he was going to throw up or start bawling himself, but for right now he was going to hold onto the shallow, meaningless words and pray to something that maybe Tobias would hear him. “It’s fine.”
“I c-can’t stop, I t-t-try and they can s-s-see and I c-c-can’t stop and I c-c-can’t even be al-l-lone five m-minutes and I’m fucking it up and please, Jake, j-just make it g-go away, d-don’t—”
“Tobias!” Jake felt horrible for shaking him, even just a little against his shoulder, but he was terrified that if he didn’t get through to Tobias now, he never would. There would be no way to get past this thing that he didn’t understand, didn’t have a handle on, and was spinning out of control. “Tobias, what are you talking about?”
“In the p-park when I—you s-said, when they kn-knew, that w-we—” Tobias turned his face into Jake’s shoulder and kept shuddering, breathing so irregularly Jake wondered if he was about to hyperventilate. “You h-have to—p-p-p-please, Jake, I’m s-so sorry, I d-d-don’t want to, I j-just c-can’t—p-p-please, Jake, p-please.”
Jake felt a muscle in his jaw jump. Another thing he had done to break Tobias without even being aware of it. Great. Wonderful. Perfect. If he left now to throw up, Tobias would fall over, and it seemed like he had managed to get a grip on Jake’s shirt that Jake doubted he would be able to shake. Those were the only two things keeping him still against the new wave of panic and sick disgust at himself. “It’s okay, Tobias,” he repeated hollowly.
“Please s-stop me, Jake. Please f-f-fix me. I j-just can’t stop—stop being a freak.”
Jake’s stomach clenched. “Tobias, you’re not . . . It’s okay.” He kept his hand moving in Tobias’s hair slow and even. He wished that he could be somewhere else, that someone else could deal with this. But there wasn’t. And, honestly, when Tobias was collapsing, would he really let anyone else hold him like this or say anything that could mess him up even more? “You’re one of the least freaky people I know.”
Tobias shook his head violently against Jake’s shoulder. “B-but they s-s-still knew. They still knew. I’m s-s-s—”
Startled, Jake straightened and rested his hand on Tobias’s cheek, turning his face to Jake’s. “Tobias, no one knew.”
“They d-did.”
Jake closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Tobias’s. In that moment he wanted to hunt down the Frisbee bastards—an accident, just a fucking accident—and feed them their own feet. He wanted to have actually read the books he was assigned in school or to have watched more chick flicks, because maybe then he would have the words to tell Tobias that it wasn’t true when, according to some bastards with shit for brains, it was. So that he could tell Tobias he wasn’t a freak and put the conviction of his own heart into it, without thinking about what other people would say. Because Tobias wasn’t a freak to him, Tobias was Tobias, Tobias was everything, but he knew that wouldn’t matter to too many people in the world, and he doubted that his own word was enough.
“They didn’t know anything,” he said at last, heavily. “They saw a . . . a kid, lost, maybe a little . . . scared, but they did not see a freak, because you’re not one.”
Tobias shook his head again. “Jake, you c-can’t believe that, you can’t l-let your guard d-d—”
“Tobias, shut up.” Jake hadn’t meant to say that, but dammit. He brushed his fingertips over Tobias’s cheek, rested one hand on the back of his neck as he held him. “Shit, I didn’t mean that. But you’re not a freak to me, ever.”
“Then w-w-what . . .”
“You’re Tobias. My Tobias.” He sounded like a fucking possessive psycho, but he meant it. And the second he said it, Tobias sagged into his arms a little more, not so much relaxing as collapsing against him. “It’s okay. I’m here, I’ll always be here, I promise.” And to himself, Jake made another promise that the second Tobias didn’t want him there, he would be gone. Tobias just had to say the word, and Jake would leave, no questions asked.
No. Fuck that. There would be questions. Like, how much money Tobias needed and where he was going to stay and if he needed a way to get there and if he would really be okay. But that wasn’t Jake letting this crazy obsession control him. That was just taking care of Tobias, who owned far more of Jake’s twisted little heart than made any sense.
“You’ll tell me,” Tobias whispered. “You’ll t-tell me the s-second I’m t-t-too much. I c-can’t change, Jake, but if you t-teach me . . .”
