Page 33 of Fear
“You’re not too much, you’re never too much.” Jake hoped that Tobias believed it. He could never be the problem. It wasn’t that he was too much, but that Jake wasn’t enough for him. Not enough for anybody.
“I h-hate . . . I’m n-not always useless. I s-swear, I can be u-useful, I j-just . . . I j-just c-can’t control . . . anything. I could d-do anything, n-not j-just—”
Jake’s grip around Tobias tightened. He hoped he wasn’t hurting him, because he wasn’t sure that he would be able to loosen his grip. “No, you are not a burden, and not useless, get that out of your head. You’ve gotta quit beating yourself up for this. This isn’t a fucking cakewalk. This is major shit that you’re—that we’re dealing with, getting you out of that hellhole. It’s going to be rough, but I’m here for you, and I’m not angry or any shit like that. I mean, fuck, it’s only been a couple days, and you’re already doing so much better. It’s okay.”
“N-n-not better. St-still just a st-stupid f-freak—”
“Tobias!” Jake wanted to kick himself when Tobias froze in his arms, when his voice cut off, but he had to fucking stop Tobias from saying something like that when it wasn’t true and ripping him apart inside. “Hey, we were outside for three hours today, surrounded by a bunch of average Joes. You walked to a park, and you were there with me, man. You were even okay with me walking away from you when I went over to that stall.” Fuck, Tobias still hadn’t gotten any ice cream. “You were doing great up to the second you almost got hit in the head by a flying object and fell down a flight of stairs. It’s okay.”
Tobias’s reply was almost too low to hear. “I sh-should be b-better for you. More r-reliable.”
Jake wanted to laugh. Or cry. Or shoot something. But what he did was stay where he was, his arms around Tobias, holding him like that could fix everything. “Dude, most people who fall down hard-ass stairs are not as chill as you. And since this was your first time dealing with . . . fuck, anything that you did today, you did great. I’m proud of you, Toby. And it’s okay. You’ll get better, and the next time we go out I’m going to keep us far away from Frisbees, and baseball diamonds, and squash matches. And, dammit, you’ve been doing this stuff for less than a week. Any way you react is okay, got that, Tobias? It just means you’re you. Not a freak.”
Tobias, still not looking at him, doing little more than breathing, jerked his head. But this time it was a nod, a yes, and in that moment, it was everything they both needed.
TOBIAS KNEW HE SHOULD probably be thinking about how lucky he was that he had Jake. How little he deserved him, how much pain he would be in if he had screwed up this much performing for the Director or a guard. He should be filled with nothing but gratitude for Jake for being so kind and forgiving that it made Tobias shake to think of all the things that Jake could do, had every right to do, and yet didn’t, for some inexplicable reason.
Of course, he was thinking about all that because his brain hadn’t stopped going a mile a minute since they’d gotten back to the apartment. Then Jake had entered holding the machete—not for Tobias, thank God, though he had wondered for a few seconds if his punishment was going to start at last—and just held him.
But what he really couldn’t get out of his head, as his body almost involuntarily sagged against Jake, was how the warmth of Jake’s arms sank into his bones, loosening parts that maybe hadn’t ever relaxed in his life. It made him want to cry and beg and just lie quietly, contentedly, all at the same time.
Jake wasn’t angry at him. Jake was . . . proud of him for working hard—and Tobias fucking was trying hard, keeping himself upright by force of will alone every time Jake suggested stepping outside. It was the only thing Jake had really asked of him so far, and yet he was still fucking failing over and over. Jake hadn’t given him any limits, hadn’t told him he had a set number of times before the pain would start. He’d just said, You’ll get better, Tobias. When he said it like that, Tobias had to believe him.
Sure, Jake had completely ignored him when Tobias had tried again to say that he could be useful, but he couldn’t tell if Jake didn’t want or need the help of a freak or if he really hadn’t heard. He wanted to make it clear that he could do anything—research, blowjobs, clean, whatever Jake needed. He wished desperately that Jake would start using him so Tobias would know what he was supposed to do. But for today, it was okay if Jake didn’t want to acknowledge that, because Jake was giving him the grace period Tobias had been terrified he wouldn’t get. There was a learning curve, he had said as much, and Tobias didn’t know when Jake would be forced to start punishing him, but at least for now, that wasn’t happening. Maybe not as long as Jake could see Tobias fighting to be what Jake deserved.
Yeah, Tobias was afraid, not knowing when he would lose Jake’s patience, but if there was one thing he had learned in his sixteen years, it was that he could learn. And if Jake said he had time, that a week wasn’t long enough to deserve correction, then Tobias still had a chance.
That was good. That was the best, and that was what stilled his shaking and allowed him to let go of the overwhelming terror that had gripped him the second Jake had come into his room, fearing that the talk he had promised would end in pain—or worse, FREACS. But even past that deep reassurance, that hope, what Tobias couldn’t get out of his head was the feel of Jake’s warm, strong arms around him, protecting him, holding him up and not letting him go even when Tobias began to cry on his shirt and there was nothing else to say.
Chapter Seven
They slept in the next morning. Jake wasn’t surprised that Tobias had exhausted himself into another deep sleep, but he was a little startled that he himself was still capable of sleeping nine hours straight. Without having overdone it at a bar the night before, anyway.
It wasn’t like he’d had any major epiphanies—and maybe that was it, maybe since he was done stewing over everything that went down, his body was just reacting, letting him absorb each new punch and then keep going. Hell, it was as good a theory as any, and Jake was done trying to analyze and predict shit. The last six days had shown him he might as well be a civilian walking into a Chupacabra lair. He couldn’t keep Tobias safe in a world that had Frisbees and Christmas movies and, shit, people. But that didn’t mean they, he, could give up.
But what they had settled last night—and what Tobias wouldn’t forget, he hoped—was that they were gonna keep rolling together. No matter how Jake fucked up, no matter what new everyday menace panicked Tobias, Jake would be there to pick up the pieces and do all he could for him. As long as they were both breathing at the end of the day, as long as Jake armed himself with one new thing he’d learned to make Tobias’s life easier, he would call that a success. As hunters said, every day you survived was a day you’d earned a drink, right? Damned if that wasn’t true.
As they sat down for breakfast and Jake opened Janet’s bag of bagels, he tried to think not of what to avoid, but what Tobias liked, what would be safe for him.
Trees were good. The Eldorado was good. Security against jackasses invading Tobias’s bubble was a definite plus.
Like a flash, between the act of spreading cream cheese over a cinnamon raisin bagel and raising it to his lips, the perfect solution hit: they’d go for a drive.
Fuck yeah, these bagels were delicious. Jake had never been much of a bagel man, but these were miles better than any he’d tried whenever he’d stayed somewhere with a continental breakfast. Like waffles compared to a day-old slice of bread. Maybe part of his appreciation came straight from the energy of Jake’s new plan, this idea that seemed absolutely safe. But Tobias seemed to like the bagels too, so it couldn’t just be in his head.
“Hey, wanna go for a drive?”
Jake was overwhelmingly proud of Tobias when he looked no more nervous than yesterday at the suggestion. He nodded. Jake pressed Tobias’s hand, smearing his fingers with cream cheese, and tried to smile out all his happiness. Best of all, Tobias smiled back, something like relief on his face. Yeah, well, Jake was relieved too.
After throwing the dishes into the washer and getting ready to conquer the day, they went down to the car that was, after all, Jake’s first home. He settled back against the leather seats and let himself relax, and he saw Tobias out of the corner of his eye doing the same thing. It still felt so good just to be with Tobias and not suspect that he was fucking all this up.
They toured Boulder, starting with the middle of the city, weaving through downtown so Tobias could take in the colorful shops and outdoor cafes, the walking paths set through cobblestone medians lined with flowers. Then they circled around both halves of the university campus, Jake elaborating everything he knew by rumor or hearsay about college life. After that, they branched out to other parts of the city, suburbs, strip malls, and neighborhood parks. Jake was pretty sure that some of the shop owners whose establishments they passed two or three times thought he was creeping around for nefarious ends, because Jake would circle the block any time Tobias showed any interest, or even if he just noticed the soft light in Tobias’s eyes that meant he had found something so foreign it was fascinating.
After getting lunch at a Burger King drive-thru, they passed an hour exploring the suburbs, with some houses set before neatly manicured lawns and others half-shrouded in turbulent greenery. The houses seemed to amaze Tobias almost as much as trees.
“There’s really only one family in each house?”
“Yeah, if that. Sometimes it’s just a couple and a dog or something.”
