Page 36 of Fear
“Five times.”
“What?” Jake knew he was overreacting, but how could he get Tobias what he wanted, everything he needed, if Tobias wouldn’t tell him what that was?
He felt so much worse when Tobias pulled away from him into the couch and tucked his legs up tighter. “I l-l-liked it,” he forced out. “I’m s-s-s—”
Jake put up a hand. “No, don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. Come on.” He stood and held out his hand.
Tobias still cringed at any sudden movement or raised voice, or if Jake sat down too suddenly at a goddamned table. But when Jake offered his hand, Tobias took it as quickly and easily as another person would help himself to a second portion of mashed potatoes. Jake didn’t know if that was yet another thing broken inside Tobias, or if it meant what he wished it meant: that Tobias trusted him, and this overwhelming fear (overwhelming for Jake; Tobias seemed to accept his own terror as the appropriate response) would fade away.
“We’re going to go for a walk,” Jake told him. “There’s a library nearby. We’re going to get you a library card.”
TOBIAS FOLLOWED JAKE down the street, his heart beating a little too hard. If this had been camp, it would have been a trick, some guard promising something that sounded nice and then taking it away when it would hurt the most. This would have been the Director tying him down and asking exactly what he liked so that he would never see it again. But . . . he didn’t think that was what was going to happen.
Of course he didn’t really think that he could just walk into a building and take out books without any questions. He remembered a little of Becca telling him how real libraries worked and the awe he’d felt, and then Jake had confirmed it as true. Books were . . . wonderful, they opened up the world, and he was . . . Well, even if the reals around him didn’t automatically recognize what he was, he doubted he would ever be able to just walk out a door with a book cradled in his arms. He’d only been allowed to research so much with books in camp because everyone thought that it was a key part of what Jake and Leon Hawthorne wanted him to know.
A lot of guards had made jokes about the Kama Sutra being the only useful thing for a freak to read. But Tobias felt confident enough that Jake didn’t mean that. He honestly seemed not to care what Tobias read, and he never took a book away from him. He didn’t need it to be about hunting or about teaching Tobias what he should do to deserve to stay, though Tobias would’ve been grateful for that kind of book. He had a little hope now that Jake wasn’t going to take him back to FREACS anytime soon, but the old calculations that had given him any kind of grounding, however painful, never made sense anymore.
But for now, Tobias pushed his worries down. The sun was bright in the sky, beautiful and shockingly green trees rustled in the breeze, and his long-sleeved shirt was just the perfect weight to keep him not too hot and not too cold. Being in the right temperature was a pleasure in and of itself, something that had rarely happened at camp. And he was walking with Jake, who didn’t look angry, didn’t look depressed, just determined. He paced himself so that Tobias stayed at his side, like they’d walked before, though he would’ve liked to be a step behind. That was where he belonged (unless, of course, Jake wanted him to take a risk first or to be beneath him), but also because when Jake was distracted, when there weren’t that many people around, Tobias felt safer just looking. Without Jake’s eyes on him, without the threat of a guard or a real who would know that he was a monster, Tobias could let himself watch Jake’s neck, the way his shoulders moved as he walked.
He knew that someday Jake would catch him, and Tobias wasn’t sure how he would react. Anyone else would hit him, even if they enjoyed the attention, even if they liked knowing that Tobias couldn’t stop watching them. Crusher had been like that, though no one had watched Crusher for the reasons Tobias watched Jake. Crusher had been a nasty presence that monsters could neither ignore nor watch too closely. Either choice ended in blood.
Tobias couldn’t have said why he watched Jake. Why he was so fascinated by the easy movement of his muscles, the soft-looking skin on the back of his neck, the angle of his jaw revealed when he turned his head. He wished he could stroke Jake’s hair or his arm, though he wouldn’t dare, of course. He never thought he’d have something so wonderful and sweet in his life. Jake was a gift that he could never have earned (though, God, he would try, if only Jake would tell him how, Tobias would work harder than he had at anything) or maybe a reward for some price he hadn’t paid yet. He didn’t know what he could give in return for having Jake in his life. Tobias knew his own life wasn’t worth nearly that much.
His thoughts were broken when Jake stopped and said, “So, this is the library. Boulder’s finest hoard of books and all you can eat—uh, read.”
It was a tall building, but far different from the Workhouse or Administration: part brick, part glass rising in a circular slanted prism. There were no bars, peepholes, or checkpoints in sight.
Jake pushed through the big glass door first and held it open on the other side for Tobias. He used to hold doors open and have Tobias pass through them first. Tobias still didn’t know why, but Jake had stopped after a couple of times.
As he passed through the door, Tobias brushed Jake’s shoulder. He allowed himself these small pleasures because Jake didn’t seem to notice them, and if Jake didn’t notice he couldn’t mind them or tell Tobias to stop. Tobias didn’t want to risk losing something so wonderful, but sometimes he couldn’t help himself.
Distracted by the feel of Jake’s jacket, smiling involuntarily, Tobias kept his eyes on his feet. When he did look up, he stopped stock-still and stared. He felt Jake’s hands touch his shoulders—he’d almost run into him because the stop had been so abrupt, and Tobias felt a flash of guilt for that—but even that pleasant contact and residual worry were swamped by the sight of books.
There were hundreds of them. No, thousands. Maybe more. Countless shelves extending out of sight, each one packed with books of different sizes. There were even tables right in front of him with books propped up in a display like anyone, even a freak, could reach out and pick one up without asking permission. He had to suck in his breath and close his eyes to get a sudden wave of dizziness under control.
When he opened his eyes, Jake was grinning at him, mischief and delight sparkling in his eyes. Tobias couldn’t stop himself from smiling back. He didn’t even try. He hadn’t seen that look in Jake’s eyes for a long time, and it was somehow even better than all the books before him.
Tobias had read everything in the apartment at least twice, and he’d loved doing so because they were Jake’s books and Jake had told him that he could read them. But it had never occurred to him they could get other books. The camp’s library was a fraction of what he could see now, and most of the texts had been old, thick copies of grimoires and bestiaries from every century for a thousand years. Tobias didn’t know what all the books before him were about, but he dared to imagine they weren’t just about the supernatural.
And Jake wanted him to read these whenever he wanted. Well, maybe not whenever he wanted, but Jake would not have brought him to this place, would not look as happy as he had the first time Tobias ate a waffle, if he was just going to turn them around and cut Tobias off from this beautiful reservoir of knowledge.
“Like it?” Jake was still grinning.
Tobias nodded quickly. He couldn’t find the words to say how much he loved it. Even if he tried, he would stutter and freeze up because this was such a wonderful place. And he loved Jake even more for bringing him here, though he’d thought he couldn’t feel more grateful, more indebted, more dazzled by Jake.
“I thought you would.” Jake still looked as smug as he had when telling Tobias how he and his father had taken down their latest wendigo. “C’mon, let’s find the librarian and get you a card.”
The line was short. Apparently, Tuesday afternoon wasn’t a crowded time in the library. Tobias made a note of that. If Jake ever let him come to this paradise by himself, he wanted to come when no one else was there, when he could disappear amid the tall aisles of books and not be in anyone’s way, not be found. Though he doubted that he would ever come here without Jake, and he didn’t think that Jake would want to escort him all the time, just to make Tobias happy. Jake had better things to do, and nothing a freak wanted was that important.
But he brought you here today, didn’t he? a small voice whispered. He saw that you wanted more books, and he didn’t take them away. He brought you to a library and says he’s going to get you a card so you can have more. He might come back with you. He might actually want you to have this.
Hard to believe. Stupid to put his hopes on that. But the closer they got to the desk, with Jake’s hand resting gently on his shoulder, the more he dared to believe it.
When they got to the counter, Jake didn’t move past him. With a spike of panic, Tobias thought Jake might leave and make him talk to a real without being there to claim him when he fucked it up and everyone found out he was a monster. But Jake didn’t leave, didn’t even step away. He just stayed beside him with his hand on Tobias’s shoulder a steady comfort, not at all in restraint.
The librarian smiled reassuringly. Tobias took a deep breath and forced himself to look at her, though not at her eyes—he couldn’t do that, so dangerous, there might be something in his face that she would see that proved he was a monster—and waited for a clue of what to do next.
“What can I do for you?” she asked.
