Page 4 of Fear
“Here, Tobias.” Jake was holding something out to him, and Tobias moved forward to take it. It was a bright yellow toothbrush, still sealed in its packaging. He stared at it uncomprehendingly.
“I, um—” Jake scratched the back of his neck, a gesture incongruous with the easy confidence that Tobias had always seen. “I picked you up a few things, since I figured you wouldn’t be bringing much with you out of . . . uh, anyway, it’s just to tide you over until we get home and you can pick out stuff for yourself.” He offered a clear plastic bag. When Tobias looked down at it, he could see a dark green comb, an oval container of some kind of plastic, and a tube of toothpaste.
Jake grinned nervously. “What, not your favorite color?” Then the smile faded a little. “They had toothbrushes in Freak Camp, right?”
God, Jake looked almost worried, not like this was a test but like it actually mattered to him that Tobias knew what they were. Tobias nodded, a little frantically, knowing that whatever else he did, he couldn’t let that worry stay on Jake’s face. Jake had nothing to worry about. Jake couldn’t be anything less than perfect, and not just because he was a real and a hunter, but because . . . he was Jake.
“Yes. Of course. We had to brush our teeth every day.” The toothbrushes were one of the few things that had been specific to each monster, their ID numbers printed on each handle. He took the bag perhaps too quickly from Jake’s hand. “Thank you, these are wonderful, this is perfect. Thank you, Jake.”
Jake looked more relieved than Tobias thought the information warranted, but maybe not. Maybe monster hygiene was very important to reals everywhere. “That’s cool, then. I mean, I’m not as good with brushing as I should be, but . . . yeah.” Jake took a deep breath and nodded toward the bathroom. “You can go ahead and use the bathroom first.”
Tobias hesitated, not sure if that was an order or just a statement, but when Jake only looked at him, he hurried into the small room and closed the door softly. He didn’t close it all the way—guards had broken bones when monsters seemed to be hiding from them—but he thought that Jake would tell him to open the door or would just come in if he wanted to.
In the bathroom, Tobias washed his hands and thoroughly brushed his teeth, never looking in the mirror. The guards had told him he was pretty (Pretty Freak, Crusher hissed right into his ear, real enough to make him convulse hard). But no, Jake had him now, and if Tobias was good enough, he might never hear anyone call him that again—or at least no one but Jake, and that wouldn’t be so bad, Tobias was nearly sure.
Whatever they had called him, mirrors had only ever shown him a bony, ugly monster, nothing at all like the well-fed hunters. He’d been told often enough that his ass was his only advantage that he didn’t bother looking at his face or wondering whether Jake thought he was pretty the way the guards did.
At least until he’d rinsed his mouth. Then he tipped his face up and stared himself in the eye, like he would have looked at any other monster.
He wished he knew if there were something he could do to that face in the mirror, the face he almost didn’t recognize as his own, to make this night better for Jake. He wished there was something he could do to make his heart slow down. Jake might be able to hear it all the way in the other room.
He hesitated, looking around and wondering if there was something else he was supposed to do. White towels hung from a nearby rod, but he didn’t even think about touching them. After Tobias had been used, Jake would tell him what to use, what to do, because he was so kind. Tobias trusted him.
When he stepped out of the bathroom, he saw a small stack of clothes—T-shirt, boxers—on the end of the bed closer to him. Jake was fiddling with a pair of mismatched socks, but he set them aside and stood up. “All done?”
Tobias nodded, moving out of the doorway to set his back to the wall, eyes on his shoes. Before going in, Jake stopped beside him for a moment but went inside without saying anything. Tobias listened to the water running, not moving a muscle. It was easier this way, just to wait. Then he realized he was retreating, the same way he did during the Director’s sessions or any interrogation, and he tried to stop, to stay here. Jake had gotten him out, and Tobias wanted to give him everything, because he deserved all Tobias had. It wasn’t much to offer a man like Jake, but he wasn’t going to cheat him of anything.
The door opening took him by surprise, and he jumped before he could stop himself.
“Hey,” Jake said. Jake was looking at him, Tobias could tell, but he couldn’t bring himself to risk meeting Jake’s eyes. “Sure you’re okay?” Tobias nodded quickly, hands twisting in the sides of his shirt. “I put those clothes on your bed for you to change into, dunno if you saw . . .” His hand slipped over Tobias’s, warm and reassuring, and Tobias forced himself to be still.
Jake rubbed his thumb over Tobias’s knuckles and stepped closer. His other hand lightly touched the side of Tobias’s head, sliding through the curls of his hair. Nothing like how the Director had petted him, but Tobias shuddered anyway.
“Hey, you’re okay.” Jake’s hand settled on Tobias’s shoulder, and he leaned in until his forehead rested against Tobias’s temple, and Tobias felt a wave of dizziness. “You’re with me now. They’ll never touch you again, I swear it.” His hand tightened real-solid on Tobias’s freak-skinny shoulder. It was almost like the warm, beautiful embrace Jake had enclosed him in outside the walls of Freak Camp. Almost.
It would’ve been so easy for Tobias to lean into that touch and forget everything else. He couldn’t let himself do that, though. He couldn’t forget how much—everything—depended on this night, and he needed to keep his head. He would show Jake he was ready, that he wouldn’t dawdle or resist for a moment.
He drew in a shaky breath and dropped his hands to the small space between them, fumbling to work the button open on his jeans. He could have opened Jake’s fly and had Jake down his throat in about two seconds, but instead it took him almost six to get the button open; the material was stiff, tricky, and he wasn’t used to opening a fly on himself.
Jake pulled back. “Tobias, what are you—”
But Tobias finally managed to pop the button free, and he didn’t need to get the zipper down to drop the jeans, with his boxers, to the floor.
Jake jerked away, his hands flinching off of Tobias’s shoulders. “Whoa, hey.” A nervous chuckle rose in his voice, the only gauge Tobias had for his reaction, since Tobias still couldn’t force himself to look up.
He swallowed hard, trying to keep his breathing under control, even though he had already screwed up. He should have gone to his knees first. That was obvious now, since that was what he actually had experience in. Stupid, stupid monster. But maybe he could still make this work if he was very good. If he did everything right, there was still a chance . . . Please, God, let there be a chance . . .
He reached for Jake’s belt buckle but had hardly touched it when Jake grabbed his hands, hard. Tobias flinched, drawing a shuddering breath. He wished his hands weren’t starting to shake.
“Tobias.” Jake’s voice sounded odd, his breathing uneven too, but not in the way Tobias was familiar with, that meant they were ready to push him down. Tobias risked the briefest of glances at Jake’s face. Jake was looking at Tobias’s groin, but not with the lust or amusement Tobias usually saw on guards’ faces. If anything, Jake looked slightly sick. “Tobias, wait. Just—just hold on a second.”
He didn’t move, and Jake didn’t let go of his wrists. After a moment, Jake said, still in that strange, tight voice, “This isn’t—we’re not going to do this.”
The ground teetered, threatening to fall away under him. He couldn’t draw breath in a way he’d only experienced with bonds and weights on his chest. He didn’t know what he’d done, what he’d failed to do, why Jake suddenly didn’t want to take him, when Tobias had waited. He’d kept himself for Jake no matter the cost (he would have paid any cost, and he had), and Jake had gone to such lengths to get him out, to claim Tobias. How could he have destroyed everything, all of Jake’s interest in him, so fast and with so little effort?
He struggled to speak, to get his tongue working again. “No, please—I’m ready, Jake, I swear I am, I can do anything you want—”
“That’s not what I want!” Jake let go at last, pushing Tobias’s hands away and stepping back as though he couldn’t stand to be close to him for another second. Tobias flinched, pressing back against the wall with his chin lowered to his chest.
