Page 59 of Fear
Hands covering his face, Tobias was still making that low keening sound, cutting off the apology fighting to get out.
Jake knew that he shouldn’t get too handsy, but he wrapped his arm around Tobias’s shoulders, rubbing his back. Anything to stop that horrible, pain-filled noise.
“It’s okay, Tobias, you can say it, it’s okay.” Jake pulled him into a hug, drew his head in close. Fuck it, he had to, afraid otherwise that Tobias would shake himself apart. “Say it!”
“I’m s-s-sorry,” Tobias gasped, and buried his face in Jake’s neck. “I’m . . . rules . . . Jake.” He took a desperate, shaky breath, and Jake could hear the apology and desperation in his name. And because he had been at that same point only a few days ago, he could hear the despair here too. “Jake.”
“No, it’s okay.” Daringly, Jake stroked his hair. How long had it been since he had touched Tobias this easily? Just a few days? And he had missed this more than the time he’d locked himself out of the Eldorado for more than a day, until he could scrounge up the cash to pay a locksmith. “I asked you to. You don’t have to apologize, there is absolutely nothing you have to apologize for, but it’s okay that you did. These rules aren’t supposed to hurt.”
Tobias made a little choking noise that seemed almost like a laugh. “Rules,” he whispered, but slowly—far too fucking slowly for Jake’s peace of mind—his shudders subsided.
When Tobias was calm and still in his arms, Jake pulled away slightly to study him. Tobias looked okay. Maybe a little shell-shocked. Probably trying to put himself back together, and Jake could understand that taking some time. “You okay?”
Tobias jerked his head toward the kitchen. “Glass?”
Jake waved his hand dismissively. “Cheap. We’ve got five more. I’ll clean it up.” Tobias flinched, and Jake rested his hand on his arm again. “We can clean it up, Tobias. If you want.”
Tobias nodded, and then visibly gathered strength. His voice, when he spoke, was even quieter and more hesitant. “Girl?”
“Um.” Jake blinked. “Girl?”
Tobias twitched all over and ducked his head. “The scream . . . th-the girl. Never . . . never mind.”
Realization dawned slowly. “I don’t . . . I don’t think that was anything. I can check if you want.” Jake half stood before Tobias shook his head, and he lowered himself into the chair again.
They sat together for a long time, and then Jake got the broom and swept up the glass. Tobias held the garbage bag open for the shards and wiped down the counter afterward.
They were doing okay, Jake thought. They were learning to rebound.
THE NEXT MORNING DAWNED gray and drizzly, but Jake felt cheery. Yeah, it had gotten rough yesterday, but they were up, eating Lucky Charms, and the day looked manageable.
They spent the morning watching TV, reading, and playing dominoes. By lunch, between Tobias’s quiet and the rain, Jake had way more energy than options. He dampened some of it by making grilled cheese with bacon and, while they ate, bombarding Tobias with things they could do around Boulder when he was ready.
But after half an hour of talking about hiking, opera, rock climbing, butterfly pavilions, and baseball (spending ten of those minutes comparing the advantages of the history museum over a local meadery; “I mean, one place you learn history, the other one you get to drink it, Beowulf-style!”), he noticed a trend.
He would suggest a place, and Tobias would say, “That sounds good.” He’d mention another, and Tobias would agree that too was wonderful. He’d try to wheedle an opinion out of him and get a mild preference—boating briefly gained a narrow margin—before it reversed completely a couple minutes later. Sometimes Jake could tell that Tobias really would rather go hiking than shopping in the closest mega mall, but if he had just been going by his Yes, Jake and that sounds wonderful, they would be signed up for skydiving and ballroom dancing by the end of the week.
At last, Jake sighed. “Tobias.” He leaned forward, narrowly avoiding the remains of lunch with his elbow. The frozen french fries had turned out a little soggy, but Tobias still seemed to like them. “I’m gonna add another rule.”
Tobias froze, the last quarter of his grilled cheese sandwich raised to his lips. He put it down and hastily wiped his fingers on his napkin. “Yes, Jake?”
Jake met his eyes and felt heartened when Tobias didn’t drop his. They didn’t even waver as much as they had yesterday. “Every day, I want you to say ‘no’ to me at least once.”
Tobias paled and ducked his head, tucking his hands beneath the table.
“Hey. You know I wouldn’t ask this if I didn’t think you could do it.” Jake waited, but Tobias continued breathing shakily with his eyes down. Jake took a jagged breath himself and kept his hand gripped around the edge of the table. Maybe Tobias wouldn’t notice. Ha. “You never say no, Tobias. And it’s really important to me that you tell me what makes you unhappy, uncomfortable or, hell, even if you would rather do one thing instead of another. I’m not asking you to tell me where to shove it—though go for it if you want to, it’d make my day. I just want one little word, once a day. I promise I’ll make it real easy. Look.” Jake picked up the saltshaker and held it over Tobias’s plate. “Should I dump this entire thing of salt over your sandwich?”
Tobias stared at him, visibly shaking now. Jake could see things he didn’t want to see fighting it out in Tobias’s head. “If you . . . n-no. No.” He shook his head violently and shrank on himself.
Jake’s throat tightened. One day he was going to get a list of exactly which of those sadistic bastards in Freak Camp had done this, and he would extract everything they owed. Jake had asked Tobias to say no, had given him a perfect opportunity, his intention couldn’t be more obvious, and Tobias was still shaking like he had run a mile all-out.
Jake put down the shaker and reached over, palm up, hoping to draw Tobias’s hand from beneath the table. “That’s good, Toby. I won’t. Thank you.”
Tobias’s hand clenched his, shaking as much as Jake had expected, but after a few seconds of Jake offering whatever soft reassurances he could think of, Tobias relaxed, and Jake felt something untwist in his gut.
He squeezed Tobias’s fingers before letting go. “See? You can do it. One day at a time.”
Tobias made a muffled noise that was almost a laugh but much closer to a sob.
