Page 7 of Fear
Maybe he should try not to be afraid now. That went against a lifetime of being a monster and six months of the Director’s training, but by those standards, he should’ve been dead already.
Tobias’s hands shook a little when he twisted the cap off the soda, as he had seen Jake do, but he took a long drink of it even though Jake hadn’t told him to. And then he promptly choked when it fizzed down his throat.
Jake looked at him, eyes wide and alarmed. “Tobias, are you—”
Tobias coughed a couple more times, and then fumbled the cap back on. He liked the flavor. He just hadn’t expected the fizz.
“’Sokay,” he choked out. “Bubbles.” He could feel them crawling up his nose. How fucking weird. Not painful, just weird.
Jake stared at him for a second before beginning to laugh. It was a little choked, filled with more relief than humor, but it made Tobias smile, really smile, for the first time since they’d left the diner the night before. Tobias’s smile seemed to make Jake relax, seemed to suck half the tension from his shoulders, the tension that Tobias had instinctively believed meant trouble and pain for him.
“Damn, Toby,” Jake said, wiping his eyes. “Guess you never tried the Coke last night, huh?”
Tobias shook his head. He’d forgotten about the drink Jake had ordered for him, overwhelmed by all the food. Very daring, he took another sip. It was better this time when he expected the bubbles. Still weird, but at least he wasn’t choking.
The rest of the drive to Boulder was . . . better. Even good. Tobias still wasn’t sure what to do when they stopped, couldn’t quite figure out what he was supposed to do with his hands, his eyes, his feet, but he managed to answer when Jake asked him a question (“Ever had beef jerky, Tobias?” “No, Jake.” “Well, we better try it. Enough salt to keep the both of us well preserved”) and use the reals’ bathrooms. But it felt almost like it had years ago, when Jake sat beside him against the concrete wall, his shoulder warm against Tobias’s, and for a little while it had felt like even the glares of the guards were far away, something that couldn’t hurt him, at least so long as Jake was there.
By the time they started seeing signs for Boulder, Tobias could almost believe that he wasn’t going back to Freak Camp. Not today. Not now.
Maybe tonight. Tobias’s stomach twisted every time he thought about another night, about the possibility of walking with Jake into another room with another pair of beds. He still didn’t know how he had messed up the last time, and there could only be a limited number of times that Jake would forgive him. Inexplicably, Jake had forgiven him for last night, so he had to believe that there was still a chance, that maybe tonight Jake would tell him what to do, how he had fucked up. The Director . . .
Tobias forced his mind away from the Director’s cool, implacable voice, away from tonight, and focused on the here and now. He didn’t know what was going to happen, and speculation had never helped—Stupid dog, you really thought you could guess what I required this evening?—and he had a whole world of unprecedented experiences, vistas, and sensations to experience now.
He watched the rugged mountains covered in thick, dark trees slide past the Eldorado’s window in an always-changing green, tan, and brown blur beneath the brilliantly blue sky. He felt the way the Eldorado shifted gears, slowing down as Jake eased up for curves and speeding up to pass what Jake muttered under his breath were “blue-haired road hogs.”
But more than anything else, Tobias watched Jake from under his bangs. The sunlight lit up the curves of his face, gilded the edges of his short dark hair, and brought out the light gray of his eyes. Jake’s hands on the steering wheel fascinated him with their ease and grace. Even the thin scars over his knuckles and the backs of his hands, lines that Tobias had somehow never noticed before, proved his resilience. Nothing could touch Jake and survive, Tobias was sure of that. Whatever had left those scars was nothing but ashes and scattered molecules and the tales Jake had brought to him.
He looked both like and unlike how Tobias had always seen him in the camp. Infinitely more real. This was how Jake should be: free and strong in the car he loved, racing along the endless highways outside of Freak Camp. All these roads belonged to him. He was more beautiful than ever, in a way that stopped Tobias’s breath, made him wonder if he was hallucinating near death in the way he’d heard about. How could this be real? What had he ever done to earn this?
Tobias soaked in the moment as Jake hummed softly along with the low-playing cassette, glancing now and then in Tobias’s direction or munching one-handed on whatever snacks they’d gotten at the last stop.
He had seen sunlight and Jake’s features before, but now, when the unending pavement and the sky and mountains made his eyes water and his head spin, he could watch Jake out of the corner of his eye. That sight grounded him, made him feel safe, awestruck, and light-headed. The sun outside of Freak Camp gave off a different light entirely, and Jake outside of Freak Camp . . .
Tobias took another deep breath and pushed any other thoughts far away, where they couldn’t hurt what he had here and now.
When they finally reached Boulder, the sun was casting a sunset behind the mountains, and Tobias was distracted from the new colors playing against the tan of Jake’s neck by the houses, the shops, all the buildings.
He could guess at the purpose of most of them from all his reading and researching, but he had never seen a home for reals before. He’d never been close enough to possibly step out of the car and touch a door or peer into a window. All the safe places meant for reals and to keep monsters out—monsters like him, and this was exactly why he’d been put into Freak Camp in the first place, so there wouldn’t be a chance of him contaminating reals who were just living their lives.
Tobias didn’t realize that he’d clenched his hand around the armrest in the door, fingers digging into the vinyl, until they started to go numb. He hastily let go, afraid to leave a mark on Jake’s car.
Too many things, places, details, possibilities, a panicked voice in the back of his head hissed. How the fuck can you manage all of that? Understand and account for all of that? When Jake isn’t telling you what to do and you have to figure it all out yourself? There’s no way . . .
He told the little voice to shut up and let himself blank out a little. Just a little. Not so much that he wouldn’t be able to respond the second Jake told him to do anything, the second Jake demanded anything of him—please God, want me, use me—but enough that the buildings and the streets and the reals teeming in them went away for a little bit. The world narrowed down to the rumble of the car and Jake’s solid, warm presence next to him. That was a good world, more than enough for Tobias. So much better than a cocoon of ratty blankets or the memory of Becca’s arms that wouldn’t really keep him warm or safe from the guards.
He was so calm, so focused on Jake and the Eldorado that when they stopped, he almost had to pull himself out of a trance.
“Hey, Toby, wake up, we’re here.” Jake’s hand was on his arm, touching gently, not even shaking him awake the way Kayla had when he’d needed to be up fast and an injury was keeping him from reacting quite as fast as he needed to.
Tobias knew that he would always have to leave the safe places in his head where the fear went away, but all things considered, having Jake touch him on the arm and call his name wasn’t so bad of a way to wake up to reality.
THEY HAD PARKED IN a small lot next to a two-story building. There were only a few cars nearby and no reals in sight. Tobias got out of the car cautiously, keeping his head down as he trailed after Jake toward the trunk. This time, Jake held out one of his duffels, the lighter one—Tobias could tell, even in the twilight—as though he wasn’t sure if Tobias would take it and didn’t want to force the issue.
Tobias took it without hesitation, sliding it onto his shoulder with all the care Jake’s belongings deserved, and managed a quick smile. This was already different from last night. Different in Freak Camp had always meant terrifying, but last night had been awful in a way he’d never imagined. Tobias would take almost any kind of different over that.
He was sure it could get worse (it could always get worse), but if this turned out to be exactly like last night, he might not be able to keep from falling apart in front of Jake. Feeling the fuck-up coming and having no ability to stop it, when the stakes were Jake, would be the true nightmare.
Now, at least, he could hold onto the moment, the feel of the duffel bag strap over his shoulder, the way Jake’s shoulders moved beneath his shirt as Tobias followed him up the stairs.
