Page 53 of Freedom
It wasn’t a question he had to think about. Jake nodded, his jaw clenched tight.
“Okay, then. This is the hard part with any kind of kid you have in your life, someone you love and you’re responsible for. Figuring out what’s best for them over what you want.”
Jake turned to stare across the parking lot. A family with a dog emerged from a minivan, laughing and shouting as they headed to their apartment.
“We’ve been getting better,” Jake said abruptly. “You might not believe it, since—Roger’s didn’t go as well as I hoped, but—we’ve come leaps and bounds the last couple of months.”
“I do believe you. That’s good. But I don’t want to fool you. That kid’s damage is lifelong, Jake. It’ll never be further away than those scars you’ve seen on his skin.”
Jake took a few slow, deep breaths the way he’d heard he should. It still didn’t clear the rage before his eyes, the thrumming in his veins. Finally, he spoke, still not looking at Alex.
“So tell me this. If there’s such a nice, merciful God in charge of everything the way you all say, how the fuck does he let kids like Toby go through years and years of fucking torture and be treated like they’re goddamn nothing? Where’s the justice in that? How can the universe have some kind of perfect divine being andthatat the same time?”
Alex sighed. “If I knew that answer, I’d be one rich lady.”
“Oh, thanks for that. For a minute I thought you were going to give me a bullshit answer.”
She huffed something short of a laugh. “What, you think I’m hiding the real one from you? You think anyone’s got the secret locked away? A bunch of people smarter and better educated than me have spent thousands of years trying to figure out the answer. They’ve tried and failed, started whole wars and lost souls over that question. But if you want to know how I see it: God’s ways aren’t ours, and we were never meant to fully understand him. Scripture helps me understand as far as I can. Of course we’re going to question his plan and rage at injustice. That’s natural. It’s necessary.But I keep my faith because while I see evil in the world—and there’s a hell of a lot, I’ll never pretend otherwise—there is also good. There is grace. I see it in chance, and fate, and luck, and people choosing every day to be less monstrous than they could be, sometimes even good. It’s those things, big and small, that let me believe that there is a greater power at work who loves us, in spite of all I’ve seen, the damage from supernatural creatures and humans alike. And that’s what gets me to sleep at night and gets me out of bed each day.
“Mira, Jake.” She waited until he looked at her. “I can’t tell you why God let Tobias end up in that camp. But I believe you were part of his plan to get him out.”
Jake turned away, shaking his head. He couldn’t weigh in on most of what Alex had said, but that part—well, if he were going to believe in a god, it sure as fuck wouldn’t be one that counted on him for any scheme, let alone for something as important as getting Tobias out of FREACS.
After a minute, Alex asked in a lighter voice, “Haven’t you gotten that engine fixed yet?”
He threw her a look. “It’s the alternator. Needs to be replaced.”
“Bueno. First step to solving any problem is an accurate diagnosis.” She picked up the tool bag and gestured for him to close the hood and follow her. “Let’s tell Elena, then go get Tobias.”
At Elena’s apartment, Alex helped Jake fill in the words to explain the engine issue. Elena thanked them profusely and offered to bring them in for dinner, but Alex declined, explaining they had hot food waiting for them.
On the drive back to the church, Jake decided he’d have a better chance of looking at himself in the mirror that night if he found the balls to ask a professional the mother of all questions. “You think I’ve actually got a shot, Alex? That he’s ever gonna get better? Or am I just fucking fooling myself?”
Alex took a moment, almost long enough for Jake to regret asking, before she answered decisively. “Yes, I think you’ve got a shot, and a good shot at that. I haven’t spent that much time with you, but I can see that you two are the world to each other. And like the good book says in Corinthians: you can have faith, hope, and love, but the most powerful of those is love.”
Jake released a long breath. He focused on the road ahead of him, not giving away how a boulder in his chest, one that had been there since they were at Roger’s or maybe even before, had just broken into pieces and tumbled away.
~*~
They found Toby inthe church kitchen with a mostly empty plate of tamales before him, the rest being packed away in plastic containers and then into the fridge. His cheeks were bright pink, his smile nonstop. He looked healthy and happy in a way Jake hadn’t seen in what felt like ages.
Carmen, sitting at the table with him, turned to Alex and burst into a torrent of Spanish Jake couldn’t keep up with, though he heardTobitoand couldn’t hide his grin. Abuelas were his favorite, for real. They didn’t need to be able to talk much with Toby to know he was someone to feed and love.
Alex waved at Jake and Toby to leave without her, but Carmen pressed another large Tupperware container of tamales into Toby’s hands, beaming and insisting and completely ignoring Jake’s attempts to tell her they already had plenty of food at Alex’s and it would just go into her fridge anyway. They gave up at last, Tobias repeating his thanks as they turned to leave.
A couple of hours later, back in Alex’s garage apartment, Jake came out of the shower to find Toby sitting cross-legged on the bed, reading a book set before him on the blanket. For a moment, Jake stood watching him, the curve of his neck, how his pajamas still hung too baggy over his skinny shoulders and bony knees. He thought about all that sixteen-year-old kid had survived (more than Jake knew or could even begin to imagine) to be safe with him now.
Then he crossed the room to sit in front of Toby, who looked up at once. Jake could have predicted every part of that motion, from the graceful straightening of his spine to the way his wide-eyed attention immediately transferred to Jake.
Jake crossed his own legs, taking Toby’s hands in his own.
“Hey.” Like he didn’t already have Toby’s complete attention, but he needed a minute to think. He knew what he had to say, but that didn’t mean he had the words. “You may not believe me,” he said at last, looking into Toby’s deep hazel eyes, “but I’ve fucked up a lot with you. And I want you to know that I’m sorry, and I’m gonna do better, because you deserve that.”
Tobias blinked at him once, twice, and his grip on Jake’s hands tightened. He didn’t understand, Jake could see that, along with the first flicker of fear in his eyes. Jake leaned forward and pressed his lips to Tobias’s cheek, moved one hand up to grip his opposite shoulder so they could brace each other.
Even if Jake had to spend every day of the rest of his life working on it, he would show Toby that he didn’t have to be afraid.
~*~
