Page 57 of Freedom
Toby shook his head. “I knew some of them are tragedies, but withMuch Ado About Nothing, everyone gets married at the end. This one was just... really sad.”
He stayed distracted through dinner, and it wasn’t until they’d checked into their motel for the night that he brought it up again. He and Jake were in their pajamas, Jake lying on his stomach as he idly flicked through TV channels with the sound nearly muted.
Tobias said, “I guess I should’ve seen it coming. Romeo and Juliet were both so... intense, and the footnotes pointed out how young they both are. Younger than us.” Some thought startled him, and he glanced at Jake as his cheeks went pink.
Jake aimed a crooked smile his way. “First teenage heartbreak always feels like the world’s gonna end.”
Tobias picked at a thread on the pillowcase. “Was it like that for you?”
“Me?” Jake sat up, turning off the TV as he rested against the headboard next to Toby. “Nah, it was never that serious. I always knew it wouldn’t last.” Sometimes that had hurt, or at least it might’ve if he’d let himself think about it. He’d known deep down there hadn’t been anyone who would’ve stuck around with him.
He wanted to say something about how it wouldn’t be the end of the world for Toby either when someone stole his heart, but the words stuck in his throat. He didn’t think he was ready for a conversation like that. Not tonight, anyway.
“Oh, hey. Thought of a song you might like. Hang on.” Jake rolled off the bed, shoved his feet in his boots as he found his keys, and went out to the Eldorado. He returned a minute later with a cassette and their Walkman.
“Dire Straits,” he told Toby, who leaned over on his elbows, interested. Jake set the headphones on the blanket between them and set the volume to max, as they did when listening to music in their room.
The guitar chords began, Mark Knopfler crooned, “A lovestruck Romeo sang the streets a serenade,” and Toby breathed, “Oh.” His eyes lit up just like they did for his Beethoven and Mozart, and he hardly breathed as he listened to the rest of the song, until the end and Jake rewound it to start again.
Two hours later, Jake was still awake. Like the cassette, he replayed all of Toby’s pretty smiles in his mind, the ones that ranged from shy to dazzling, the spark of pure joy when he discovered something so wonderful he couldn’t have imagined existing.
Someday, maybe soon (he should hope it’d be soon that Toby would be ready for something like that), Toby would find someone who made him light up in a different way than Jake did. There’d be someone Toby would feel safe with, would want to spend time with, wouldn’t mind touching or being touched in return.
Jake would be so fucking happy for him on that day. Downright ecstatic. He didn’t know exactly how he’d get there—maybe at a bar across town—but he would.
All the next day, they played the Dire Straits album in the car, though Toby always reached over to replay “Romeo and Juliet.” It had taken a long time for him to dare to touch the tape deck, no matter how often Jake had told him he had just as much control over it as Jake did, and “driver picks the music” didn’t really mean anything except that he’d choose the first tape of the day.
That night after dinner in Nacogdoches, they were quieter than usual in their motel room. Toby flipped through one of his textbooks without any real focus, humming some of the Dire Straits’ songs. Jake lay on his back, staring at the ceiling as he twirled the TV remote in his hands.
Maybe Toby would want to take the Eldorado out on that first date. Jake should be okay with that. He should absolutely be okay with that. Toby always deserved the best, and the Eldorado instantly made for the best and highest class of dates, and Jake wasnotgoing to think any more about it right now. There had to be some Toby-appropriate action flick on TV right now—
“You like girls, right?”
Jake dropped the remote onto his chest, then sat up slowly, blinking at Tobias. The question had come out of nowhere.
Tobias peeked out from behind his bangs (which were getting too long again, and Jake should not find that cute, he should be finding him a damn barber). He had abandoned reading his textbook for smoothing the edge of their bedsheet, running the seam between his fingers. “I mean—not that it’s any of m-my business—just, I thought that s-some of the nights you w-went out, you—”
“What? No. I mean, yeah.” Jake mentally shook himself. “I like both. Girls and boys. They’re, uh, hot in different ways.” The discomfort in his chest grew, and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe he shouldn’t be having this conversation with Toby at all. Maybe not for the reasons Alex had reminded him of. But who else could Toby talk to? Jake didn’t want to lie to him either.
And then the next question came out of his stupid mouth before he could stop it. “Do you know who you like? Girls more than boys, or whatever?”
Tobias’s fingers stilled on the sheets. He was absolutely motionless, and Jake was going to staple his mouth shut, holy shit. Maybe they needed to start getting separate rooms. Maybe they never should’ve slept side by side on the same bed, even if nothing happened, even if they just breathed and slept and Jake was there for Toby’s nightmares.
But then Tobias spoke.
“I—I don’t know,” he said slowly, not looking up. “But I—I like you.” He looked up then, his eyes meeting Jake’s. But there was no smile, no warm flush on his cheeks. He was pale with apprehension, eyes dark in his face. “I don’t know if that’s okay. But I thought you should know.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat, and Jake understood belatedly that he meant it as a warning.
For a moment, Jake couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what showed on his face, and then he realized Tobias wasn’t breathing either. He automatically took Toby’s hand in a light grip, hopefully reassuring or at least enough to keep Tobias from bolting for the door and into the night.
“It’s okay,” Jake said at last. His brain wasn’t working right, like he’d just gotten clocked upside the head by one of Roger’s mountain trolls. He had no idea what the right thing to say was or where to go from here. He should probably call Alex on some kind of hotline. But right now, the most important thing was for Toby to know that this was okay, that he was okay. They were still okay.
Toby still watched him as though waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Is it? I don’t think—” He drew an unsteady breath, then said in a rush, “I wouldn’t—I’m not going to do anything, of course. I wouldn’t, ever. And I understand if you don’t want to sleep near me anymore. Or touch me.” He bit his lip, looking down at their hands folded together.
“No, wait—hold your horses, tiger.” Jake grappled for sense, for priorities. “Look, what’s most important is that however you feel is okay, all right? About anyone. It’s not bad or wrong or anything else you’ve been told. I’m not upset. I just, um. Want to do right by you. So it’s okay to have feelings. I’m just gonna—keep respecting you. You don’t have to do anything different. I don’t want you to. Do anything different, I mean.” He was talking in circles like an idiot.
Tobias’s eyebrows drew together. “You should find someone else,” he said quietly. “Someone else to spend time around. I don’t think it’s good if it’s just me.”
Jake threw him a look of disbelief. “Wait, what? What does that have to do with anything?”
