Page 15 of New Year, New Baby
“My stepdaughter’s been suffering from constipation recently, and you know what happens when you have to go really bad.You push and push and push, hoping to get that sucker out.And then, the veins in your anus literally begin to bulge from all the pushing, and there you have it!Hemorrhoids,” the handsome man smirks.“I got the cream that you like, Nova.You know the special one for ladies.”
I snort again, shaking my head with disbelief.What the fuck is Hunter talking about?Why is he saying all this in front of my date, anyways?
“I don’t have—” I begin.
But Hunter keeps talking like I’m not there.
“I’m an ob-gyn,” he introduces himself to Stan.“Hunter Taggart, MD.Nova’s stepdadandher doctor,” he adds.“She’s a feisty one, isn’t she?”
Stan looks nonplused.
“Um, yes?”he mutters in reply.“We haven’t known each other that long.Just since freshman year.”
“Four years is enough time,” Hunter drawls.“You really see a girl grow up before your own eyes.One moment she’s a tiny imp, and the next –boom!A full-grown woman wearing thigh high boots.”
Oh my god, how have these boots come up in conversation again?I wore them to get a reaction, but I didn’t think it would lead to this embarrassing scenario.
“Yeah, I love the boots,” Stan murmurs, more perplexed than ever now.He clearly senses that he’s in the middle of something he doesn’t understand, and shoots me a confused look.“Those boots are the bomb.”
I decide to take control before Hunter embarrasses me even more.
“Thanks for stopping by,Daddy,” I grit out in a sarcastic tone.“Don’t you need to get home for your bedtime?Ten is a little late for you to be up, isn’t that so?”
But Hunter doesn’t blink.
“I may be an old man, but I like my conversation spicy,” he drawls.“But no, sweetheart, it’s not too late for me.By the time I get home, the re-runs forThe Golden Girlswill just be starting, and I’ll be in time to catch a few hours of my favorite show.”
I stare at him, my glare murderous.
“You best be getting along then,” I say in a syrupy-sweet voice.“I wouldn’t want you to miss out on the adventures of Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose.It was a career-making role for Betty White, you know.Plus, those ladies are about your age, right?I can see you on a date with one, two, or even all three of the Golden Girls!”
Hunter’s high cheekbones have a dark flush on them now, but he keeps his cool while stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
“Betty White is a cool cat, sweetheart,” he says in a mild tone.“She had unparalleled success on screen during a career spanning more than sixty years, and has a huge fan base of all ages.But yes, I’m going to go home and heat up some warm milk before settling on the couch for some re-runs.”
“Bye then,” I say while waggling my fingers at Hunter.“See ya.”
The huge man stares at me for a moment, his blue eyes unreadable, before turning away.
“Have a good time tonight, honey,” he says.“I’ll put the hemorrhoid cream on your nightstand.”
Then, he strolls off, hands stuffed in his jeans like he has nary a care in the world.But I know better because what the hell was the man of the house doing at this theater?And what’s with the stuff about hemorrhoid cream?I don’t have hemorrhoids!
Unfortunately, the nightmare hasn’t ended yet.
“Your stepdad is your ob-gyn?”Stan asks with a semi-confused look on his face.“Isn’t an ob-gyn a lady doc?”
“Yes, but he’s notreallymy ob-gyn,” I explain in a quick voice.“I’ve only seen him for easy stuff like you know ...um...”
But Stan’s still thinking and I can see where his train of thought is going.
“An ob-gyn gives ladies exams down there, right?”he asks, his teenage mind trying to compute.“The one where you lie back, and put your feet into stirrups?And then the doctor probes around inside your va-jay-jay with his fingers?”
“It’s not like that,” I correct in an icy voice.“The procedure is a medical necessity, and it’s not personal at all.In fact, it doesn’t really count because the doctor has rubber gloves on, and like I said, my stepdad isn’treallymy ob-gyn.I’ve only seen him once, and most of the time, I go to someone else.”
“But still,” Stan says in a rising voice.“Hemorrhoids.Poking around inside of you.Oh man, oh man, what a weird family,” he mutters before turning my way.The teenage boy can’t meet my eyes as he makes his excuses.“You know what, I just remembered that I need to get home to call my grandma before she goes to sleep.I still have time because she’s in Arizona, so they’re three hours behind, but you know old folks!They go to bed early, so I have to split.It was great seeing you, Nova,” he says with a fake smile before turning away.“I’ll see you Monday at school.”
Then, I’m left on the cold winter sidewalk as Stan speed-walks away, his varsity jacket shrugged up against the chill.What the hell just happened?One moment, he was complimenting me on my sexy thigh-high boots while trying to pull my hand closer to his boner.The next, my stepfather showed up and blew the situation to smithereens!
