Page 33 of Traitorous Lies
At least that’s what he kept trying to convince himself of.
Because the alternative was that he would lose her.
It shouldn’t have been him who came to France to make contact. One of his brothers would never have developed feelings for Monique, they were all madly in love with their girlfriends. They would have been able to keep clear heads, keep focused on the mission, and not allowed themselves to get distracted by falling for her.
Only at the time, one of them falling for her wasn't even a consideration.
His brothers hadn't felt comfortable leaving the women they loved after the ordeals of the last couple of months, and Jax had wholeheartedly agreed.
It made sense for him to come, being the only single one, and no one, certainly not himself, could have foreseen what would happen the moment he laid eyes on the beautiful inside and out Monique Kerr.
Falling for her was a blessing and a curse because she was everything he’d never considered wanting, and everything he was going to lose when the truth came out.
“You seem so lost in thought today,” Monique’s voice pulled him out of his head. “Are you having regrets about what we did last night?”
Stopping abruptly, he grabbed Monique around the biceps and hauled her off the ground and into his arms. Giving out a little squeak, her legs automatically wrapped around his waist. Since she had the fox in her arms and couldn’t hold onto him, Jax made sure he had one arm under her bottom, supporting her weight, the other curled around her back, anchoring her to him.
When he looked at Monique, at the doubt in her big gray eyes, it was hard to believe this was the same woman who had asked for hard and rough, not to be treated like a china doll. Monique was not a fragile, breakable doll, and he’d never come harder in his life than when he sank his teeth into her soft flesh and she screamed, her internal muscles clamping around him.
But beneath her strength was a vulnerability that came with havingto navigate the world alone. Without a team to have her back. How exhausting that must be. While his life had been rough in a lot of ways, he’d always had Jake beside him, and then later Cade, Cooper, Connor, and Cole. He always had a purpose and people to work toward it with.
Monique had no one.
“Don’t regret a single second of it. Never could,” he said fiercely. No matter what happened next, whether they died of exposure and hypothermia in the French forest, or made it back home where he’d be forced to tell her the truth, he could never regret what they shared.
If anyone was going to regret them having sex, it was going to be Monique.
It gutted him to know that she would as soon as she learned their meeting at the gala was no accident, even as he knew he had no one to blame for his predicament but himself. Telling her right after they’d gotten away from the men and the van would have been best. The danger of what had almost happened would have been fresh, and they hadn't bonded too deeply at that point. Knowing what he did about her now, he wouldn't have worried about her running from him. Maybe she would have kept an emotional barrier between them, but she’d just witnessed him kill to protect her so she would have stuck close to him even if she didn't like it.
Should haves.
Would haves.
Could haves.
None of them mattered now.
What was done was done, and he had to make the most out of it and hope for the best.
“Do you regret it?” he asked, forcing himself not to hold his breath as he waited for her answer. Knowing she would regret it when she learned the truth was one thing, but if she regretted it now, a piece of him would shrivel up and die. Jax had never given this much of himself to a woman. Never given this much of himself to anyone who wasn't family.
Crushing her mouth to his was her answer, and it wiped away any fears he had.
He hadn't lost her.
Yet.
And he was prepared to fight for her.
Just because she was going to be hurt when she learned the truth about why he’d been in France didn't mean he was just going to give up. He’d find a way to prove to her that he’d never meant to hurt her, that he and his family had been desperate. The alternative was losing her, and he wasn't sure he could survive that. Not emotionally anyway.
This woman had turned up in his life at a time when falling for a woman was the last thing on his mind, even though he’d just watched all five of his brothers partner up. He hadn't been interested, hadn't thought he was ready, but Monique was everything, and he’d fight for her with everything that he had.
“Guess that answers my question,” he said with a chuckle as he reluctantly set her back on her feet. The temperature was dropping further, and they needed to keep walking to maintain their body temperatures.
“Mine too,” she told him with one of those charming smiles that managed to be both shy and confident all at the same time.
Just as he was reaching out to take a turn carrying the fox, Jax saw it.
