Page 92 of It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
Whathadhappened, though? I opened my mouth to say something, but the words had yet to take shape. I took another gulp of wine, as Saskia plodded towards me, shoulders slumped.
‘What’s going on, Saskia? Why am I here? And what the hell wasthat?’
I tilted my head towards the door that Josh had just vanished through.
‘Thatwas twenty years of pent-up grief, anger and guilt, directed in the wrong place, as ever.’
She burst into tears. I put down my glass and stood up to give her a hug. This was all my fault. If I hadn’t gone back to Scarnbrook, Darren would never have posted that Instagram story, I would never have seen those chrysanthemums in the graveyard and me and Josh wouldn’t have been forced into having this conversation, which he obviously wasn’t ready for. We sat down on the sofa.
‘Saskia, I’m so sorry for starting all of this, I—’
‘Sorry?! Mally,you’vegot absolutely nothing to be sorry for; you must know that, right? Honestly, when you sent that message to Josh about the flowers it finally felt like the breakthrough we’d been waiting for. But, well, as you can see, we’re finding this a little bit harder than we were expecting.’
I had no clue what she was talking about. What did she mean by ‘breakthrough’?
‘I’m so confused, Saskia. Why was Josh in Scarnbrook? And why didn’t he tell me he was going?’
‘I imagine for the same reason you didn’t tell him thatyouwere going?’
It was a fair point. I hadn’t wanted to upset him. Or risk word getting back to Mum and Dad. It made sense that he would’ve had the same concerns.
‘Sure. But I was there to catch up with some friends.’ Of course, this wasn’t strictly the truth, but ithadended up happening in a roundabout way, so I wasn’t going to beat myself up about semantics at this moment in time. ‘But Josh just told me he didn’t see anyone. So what was he doing there?’
Saskia wiped her eyes. ‘More wine?’ I nodded, against my better judgement, and she fetched another bottle from the fridge, topping up our glasses.
‘Right. Josh went there after you’d taken your parents to the airport. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to lunch the week before, by the way.’
‘Oh, don’t worry. But he told me he had a last-minute PT session with a client that day?’
Saskia shrugged. ‘Well, he didn’t. He went to Scarnbrook. Just like he does every December. And every June.’
Every December. Every June.
For Livvie. For Christmas. For her birthday.
‘I… I had no idea he still visited.’
‘Yeah, every single year since… well, since it happened. He doesn’t see anyone or anything like that. He just goes to see Livvie.’
My heart didn’t know whether to swell with love, or to break into a million pieces. Now it was my turn to cry. Saskia brought her wine over to my side of the sofa, squeezing my shoulder as I tried to collect myself.
‘Why didn’t he ever say anything?’ I said, between tearful sniffs. ‘I’d have gone with him!’
‘It’s a valid question, Mally. But I think, because of the way Josh is, this is just a very private thing he does for himself, and for Livvie.’
I suddenly felt awful for taking twenty years to visit my little sister’s grave. Why hadn’t I done it sooner? Was I really that heartless?
‘He’s never even spoken to me about what happened to Livvie. I wish he had, y’know?’
Saskia nodded sympathetically and placed a hand on mine. ‘I know, I know. But I think you being here today – even after what happened just now – is such an important step. For both of you.’
‘Does he storm out like that a lot?’
She blew her nose into an old-school hankie that she’d whipped out from her sleeve. She was full of snotty surprises. ‘More often than I’d like, yeah. Whenever his comfort zone is challenged, he just clams up and runs away. Sometimes he runs away for real, like that, and other times he fills his head with dopamine hits from all the likes and new followers on social media. I suppose the fact that you’ve seen it happen now is, in a roundabout way, a good thing.’
I could see what she was saying. Because this was Josh’s way of letting me in. Not just into his flat, but into his silent struggles that he must’ve been hiding from me for so long.
‘Don’t get me wrong,’ Saskia continued, ‘this isn’t how I wanted this afternoon to go down at all. The plan was to be tucking into my famous flourless chocolate chilli cake around about now.’
