Page 66 of Two For the Show
However, first, we need to familiarize ourselves with how the pole moves and figure out how to generate enough momentum to keep it in motion long enough.
After another fifteen minutes of going through moves together, where one of us leads and the other follows, we drop down to the mat below us and take a breather.
“When are you going to have a date with Alex?” Dario pulls no punches, immediately jumping into a conversation I’m not sure I’m ready to have.
“Do I need one? I crashed your date. Isn’t that enough?”
He scoffs and rolls his eyes. “No, it’s not enough. How are you two ever going to get comfortable enough to bond each other if you’re not spending time together?”
It’s a fair question, and one I don’t have an answer to. I’ve made my intentions known, and so has she, but it doesn’t feel like we’ve moved any closer to that big moment. Something is still holding us both back.
I have an idea of what it is, and it sits on a cell phone in my trailer.
I can’t fully open myself up to her until she knows why I struggle so much with Omegas. She needs to see that partof me that I’m afraid will scare her away. The part of me that feels unworthy of her attention.
Shit, I need her to see that part of me. I need her to know what kind of mess she’s getting into.
But the idea of cracking open my chest and letting her root around for my heart is terrifying, even if it’s necessary.
“I’ll do it,” I say, my voice tight. “But I’m nervous.”
“She’s not going to hurt you, Dex,” my brother says softly. “Alex isn’t like that.”
“I know.” I stretch my legs out and prop myself back on the heels of my hands. I close my eyes tightly, picturing the kind, understanding face of the doctor. “I’m not worried about that.”
“Then what?”
“What if she learns who I am and doesn’t want me anymore? What if I’m not good enough for her, as I am? What if she thinks I’m too much work?” As the truth comes pouring out of me, it’s like a weight is lifted off my chest. I didn’t realize how much I needed to talk about this until now.
“What if I open myself up, show her all my shadows and nightmares, and she decides I’m not worth her time?”
Dario hums, not outright dismissing my question, but taking the time to craft a thoughtful response. It’s not often my brother sheds his jester persona and has a serious conversation.
“What if she doesn’t?” He says after a moment.
“Doesn’t want me?”
“No,” he corrects, “what if she doesn’t decide you aren’t worth it?”
It takes my brain a moment to process the three negative words he threw out. When I finally do, I’m no clearer on what he’s asking.
Dario blows some of his hair out of his face. His rootsare growing out, and the look works for him. I’m not going to stop bleaching my hair, though. “What I’m saying is that what if you show her every part of you, and she wants you more? What if she loves those parts of you? We can talk about what-ifs all day, Dex, but at the end of it, you have to decide if you think she’s worth the risk.”
That’s the question, isn’t it?
Is opening myself up to Dr. Alex Shields worth the risk?
“I’m not… normal, Dario.”
He snorts. “Are any of us?”
“You know what I mean. I haven’t told her I’m autistic. What if she thinks I’m too much work? Too much of a fixer-upper? Traumatized and neurodivergent sounds like a handful.”
For the longest time, I was embarrassed to say I was autistic. I’m not sure why, other than the societal standard that being neurodivergent makes you less than. Alphas aren’t supposed to be like me. They’re supposed to be strong, attractive, dominant, and aggressive.
That isn’t me.
I’ve come to terms with it, of course. And logically, I know that’s not something Alex cares about because she’s bonded all the others, and only Jude is a “stereotypical” Alpha.
