Page 44 of One More Shot
‘Ah.’ Now that’s in line with the Dane I’ve built up inmy head. The one who flits from woman to woman without a second thought.
‘Don’t sayahlike that,’ Dane mutters, bumping his leg against mine.
‘I’m not judging you,’ I say quickly. Probably too quickly, because he raises an eyebrow in disbelief. ‘I’mnot. I get it. You like to have fun.’
He appraises me with hooded eyes, and I get the faintest shadow of a smile from him. ‘I do.’
‘But you don’t want anything else?’ I push, my curiosity getting the better of me.
A silence settles over us and it feels like, for the first time, I’ve stepped over an invisible line. I can see the irritation flash across his face at the line of questioning and my apology immediately bubbles up my throat.
‘Sorry, you don’t—’ I offer him a weak grin. ‘I was just being nosy.’
Dane leans back onto his arms and looks up at the sky. ‘It’s not that I don’t want anything else.’ His voice is muted, like he’s thinking out loud rather than purposefully answering my question. ‘It’s more like I’ve realised that lifestyle isn’t for me.’
‘Lifestyle?’
He tilts his head in my direction and gives me a sad smile. ‘The Cash and Bailey story. You know? Love? Happily ever after? That kind of shit. It’s not for me.’
‘You don’t thinkloveis for you?’ I ask, incredulously. ‘There’s not a cap on who gets to be loved, Dane. It’s not a finite resource. You know that, right?’
‘In theory.’ He breathes out a dry, sardonic laugh. I don’t expect him to elaborate. We’ve strayed way off our usual path and I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to abruptly change the topic. ‘I’ve had two girlfriends,’ he says, after an extended beat of silence. ‘And I guess you could say neither relationship ended well.’
‘What happened?’
‘They both cheated,’ Dane says with a shrug. I can tell that it’s supposed to be light and airy. Like this doesn’t bother him anymore. But there’s a stiffness to the way he holds himself. The way he clenches his jaw and his gaze won’t meet mine.
‘I was young for the first one. Only nineteen. And it sucked obviously. Hurt like hell, but I guess I convinced myself that it was an age thing. That maybe I wasn’t that great a boyfriend, anyway.’
He shoots me that same sad smile again.
‘And then it happened again. I think I was—’ He pauses and clucks his tongue, pretending like he’s actually having to think about it. ‘I was twenty-three. And she blamed me.’
‘She blamedyou?’ I feel furious on his behalf, even though this happened close to a decade ago. ‘Dane, you know—’
‘I know,’ he cuts me off with another dry huff. ‘It’s noton me. Don’t worry. Cash has been through this with me more times than I can count over the years. She cheated because she had her own issues. I get that. But it was what she said. Her reasoning for it. ThatIwasn’t enough.’ He shrugs again. ‘And I tried to be, for her. You know? I did all the things a good boyfriend is supposed to do. I – IthoughtI loved her.’
‘And now you’re not so sure?’
Another shrug. ‘Got nothing to compare it to.’
‘So what? You just stopped trying?’
‘Pretty much,’ he laughs. ‘Once sucks. Twice is truly fucking awful. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And three times?’ He gives me a wry grin. ‘I’m not enough of a masochist to try.’
‘Dane.’
He groans and shakes his head. ‘What was it you said back at the restaurant?I’m not here for your sympathy or anything like that?’
A memory clicks into place. ‘You just wanted to explain?’
He nods. ‘You’ve got your hang-ups, I’ve got mine.’
He’s right. Who am I to offer sympathy or advice when I’m pretty much in the same boat as him? We’ve both been hurt by people we trusted and we’ve had to put up walls to protect ourselves. His constant flirting and nonchalant attitude makes a lot more sense to me now.
It’s a way for him to take control again. If he’s the onein charge, the one calling the shots and deciding how long something will last or how serious it’ll ever be, he can’t get hurt again.
I get it.
