Page 103 of Alice Carver Manifests Her Perfect Life
She said she’d often had to sleep in the shed when she went home. Then she asked me what I felt were my greatest weaknesses, and because I was emotional, I forgot to lie and say something that made me sound good like ‘my flaw is I give too much and work too hard’, and just answered, ‘I like having a laugh and I’m lazy,’ and then I clapped my hand over my mouth, because I shouldn’t have said that.
And Clare Atkins adjusted her half-moon glasses and said, ‘Interesting. What you see as laziness, these people you work with’ – she held up the 360 reviews – ‘seem to view as efficiency, and finding effective solutions. And what you call having a laugh, they appear to consider good-humoured and personable leadership. Which is a quality much in need in any business.’
I swallowed.
‘Just something to think about, Alice. You have a lot of influence here. It might be time to adjust your perspective.’ Then she handed me a tissue, said that we’d leave it for today and told me to go and get myself a nice cup of tea.
When I came out, Sales Chloe was walking past and shetook one look at me and trotted off, at twice her normal pace. Yaz told me that it had gone all round the building that I’d been reduced to tears and that Clare Atkins was brutal and that Chloe was having to breathe into a paper bag because she was so nervous. Another day, I might have left Chloe to her paper bag, but after those nice 360s, which almost suggest I have manifested the respect of some colleagues, I think I’m going to take a trip to Sales and put her out of her misery…
My intention is:
To manifest a free holiday (after I’d calmed Chloe down she was quite sweet and showed me her snaps from skiing in Verbier this Christmas, as well as a new charm she’d got for her bracelet. There are, it transpires, stories behind all her charms, and it’s actually rather touching).
To consider my perspective and maybe get myself some of those half-moon spectacles – I rather like the Alice who Clare Atkins saw.
Date: Thursday 9 MarchTime: 11.20pm
My thoughts and reflections:
I’m actually going to take a little break from writing in here because I think I may be inadvertently manifesting incorrectly. Sometimes I get what I want and it’s easy, but sometimes, I get what I want and it turns out I don’t want it after all, or at least not quite like that.
You know how I wanted a free holiday? Well, this evening, I went into the kitchen and Aziz and Astrid were mid-argument, and Aziz said, ‘No, it’s not an ultimatum but I think I have reached my threshold – we need time together,on our own.’
And Astrid, said, ‘Fine,’ in the same way someone might say ‘fuck you’, so I turned straight around to get out of there but then Astrid saw me and said, ‘I’ve got an idea. Alice?’
I halted and said, ‘Yes?’
And Astrid said, ‘Do you still fancy a holiday?’
‘Why… ?’
Then Aziz said, in a low voice, ‘Astrid, are you really going to do this?’
And Astrid said, ‘What? See if my younger sister fancies a holiday? Surely you can’t have a problem with that?’
‘I have a problem with your avoidance, Astrid.’
And Astrid ignored him. ‘Guess what, Alice?! Aziz hasbooked us a little trip and we’d love for you to come too. Have a look!’
Then she turned round the iPad and it was the ski resort that Chloe had been to.The exact same one in Verbier.
‘We’re paying of course,’ said Astrid. ‘In fact all expenses paid. Isn’t that right, Aziz?’
I didn’t even dare to look at Aziz. I just said, ‘Erm, sounds amazing, but I think I’m busy actually… ’
‘Don’t go,’ called Astrid, as I hastily backed out. ‘See what you’ve done, Aziz?’
And then I spent the rest of the night in my room listening to the muffled sound of Astrid’s raised voice, and then the front door slamming, and then silence. I think the silence was worse.
I am letting go of:
Thinking about the fact that technically I’ve just turned down the free holiday I manifested.
Trying to understand Astrid.
Date: Thursday 16 MarchTime: 7.30pm
My thoughts and reflections:
