Page 12 of Alice Carver Manifests Her Perfect Life
‘Jesus,’ I said. ‘No one’smakingArrie get up at dawn. The way you talk about her you’d think she was in prison.’
‘Don’t start, Alice,’ said Mum, getting the broom out.
‘If she doesn’t like getting up so early, why doesn’t she just have a bloody lie-in like the rest of us?’
Mum and Dad raised eyebrows at each other and Astrid said, ‘Ha!’ very loudly.
‘What?’ I said. ‘What’s so funny?’
‘You’re the only one who’s had a lie-in,’ said Astrid. ‘As usual.’
‘Well, why haven’t you?’
‘Because we’ve got shit to do,’ said Astrid.
‘On Christmas Day? No one does anything on Christmas Day.’
‘Yes they flaming well do,’ said Mum, sweeping quite viciously near my foot. ‘Astrid doesn’t get days off – she’s a senior partner. And I’ve made beds, put on washing, peeled sprouts. Do you want Christmas lunch?’
‘God. Not if you’re going to make this much fuss. And anyway, Arrie’s not making Christmas lunch. You are. So I don’t see why she couldn’t have a lie-in.’
‘Because she’s got children and animals, darling,’ said Dad gently, setting down a plate of really delicious-looking fare in front of me.
‘Yes, Alice,’ mocked Astrid from behind the paper. ‘Arrie is what we call a grown-up. Sometimes grown-ups have todo things they don’t want to do. It will be hard for you to understand the concept.’
‘Piss off, Astrid,’ I said through a mouthful of croissant. ‘I constantly do things I don’t want to.’
‘And sometimes you do things none of us want you to either,’ said Mum.
‘What’s that meant to mean?’
‘I just wish you’d left poor Monty alone, yesterday,’ said Mum. ‘Given him a chance.’
‘I did! It was him, not me.’
‘Poor boy,’ said Mum. ‘I had to comfort him. At his own wedding.’
‘He’s hardly a boy,’ said Astrid. ‘He’s going bald.’
‘That’s hard for him too,’ said Dad. ‘Last thing he needs. Can really threaten your masculinity.’
‘I don’t get why you’re all so worried about bloody Monty in all of this!’ I said. ‘I’m your daughter! Does no one care what it was like for me, having to watch him get married?’
‘No,’ said Astrid bluntly.
‘Of course we do,’ placated Dad. ‘But you don’t exactly seem to be pining, darling. More bacon?’
‘Fallen off the vegan train already?’ said Astrid.
‘Actually,’ I said. ‘I’m following the 911 approach now.’
‘Which is?’
‘Nine days Paleo. One day fasting. One day break-out. Today’s break-out.’
‘So just a gentle 180 degree change,’ said Astrid.
I ignored her.
