Page 120 of Alice Carver Manifests Her Perfect Life
Instead, it made me realise that things needed to come to a conclusion with Guy, even if it meant me losing my job.
He was understandably pissed off when I said so to him. ‘I don’t get it, Alice. I thought this was what you wanted.’
‘As did I.’
‘Unbelievable,’ said Guy, shaking his head. ‘Most girls bloody go on and on about wanting more from me.’
‘I know. I’m so sorry.’
Then the worst bit was when Guy changed tack and told me that we were good together and had I really thought this through. ‘I like you, Alice. Beyond the sex. You understand me. This works.’ He looked almost deflated and it didn’t suit him. Guy’s most sexy when he’s inflated.
‘I like you too,’ I said. ‘But I’m not sure you understand me or that it would keep working. What if I wanted kids myself?’
‘Do you?’
‘No. But I might. In the future.’
‘You wouldn’t,’ said Guy. ‘Certainly not after you’d met mine.’
‘But what if I did? Would you want that?’
Guy looked irritated.
‘Exactly,’ I said. ‘You like things how they are now. But I’m not sure we’d work in real life. If I’m completely honest with you, I didn’t actually like the mouthfeel of that wine last night.’
Guy told me that he’d be more careful about sharing his Château Margaux 2010 in future, that all women were a fucking nightmare, and that I’d messed up his plans for the weekend.
I said sorry and that I felt bad.
He said, ‘As you should. Sucking my dick might help you to feel better about yourself.’
I told him to fuck off.
And he said, ‘No, I think you need to fuck off.’
It was unclear all round whether either of us was being humorous; he’s not a big smiler at the best of times.
I guess I’ll be off to Scotland to join Charlotte next week…
My intention is:
To ‘surrender’ myself and accept that the Universe knows better than me what I really want. (But it does all sound remarkably similar to the argument Mum used to justify buying Arrie those NHS prescription glasses that Christmas.)
Date: Thursday 18 MayTime: 7.20pm
My thoughts and reflections:
So, I’ve had a pretty significant day today; the kind of day that prompts you to write and record (even if you’re not actually manifesting) and acknowledge that maybe it’s not the worst idea to surrender to the Universe…
I met with Kelly (Harry Piles’ replacement) last week and shared some of my ideas with her. She was super-excited about my ‘Break Into and Break Out Of’ non-fiction pitch for a fast, responsive, trend-driven series giving teens insider / expert information and tips about how to break into things like publishing, TV, football, exam success, dating, etc., and how to break out of things like toxic relationships, negative thoughts. I showed her trending clips on TikTok and the market research I’d done and the potential for us to create social media content and package existing content. So excited that she called in Drunk Stephen and started talking about design straight away and if he thought this was the type of project he could add value to. And obviously he did, because I’d already bored him senseless with it and he’d not only helped me (in fact, he kind of inspired the idea in the first place with the Break Into Publishing talk he did at the local secondary school) but got pretty enthusiastic himself. So she set me and Stephen the taskof putting everything together, in a wish-list sort of way, and to think big. Which we did. We consumed a lot of margaritas along the way but we came up with a fucking solid plan even if I do say so myself.
Anyway, today, Drunk Stephen and I were invited to a meeting with Kelly and Guy to catch up. Drunk Stephen thought it was hilarious. ‘What if you forget yourself and accidentally fellate Guy?’ he said.
‘Ha,’ I said. ‘So funny. I think you should be more scared that he’s found out you know about us and is going to send me – and you – to Scotland.’
It was, of course, as awkward as you’d expect it to be. Guy was polite and formal with me (because he’s still a bit annoyed that I wasn’t more grateful for his offer to keep shagging him and also have lunch with his adult child), and I was so careful to give the impression that Guy was only a scary boss to me that I practically called him guvnor and curtsied. However, then Kelly said, ‘Guy and I have some news we’d like to share with you. Cara is leaving.’
‘What?’ I said, genuinely taken aback.
