Page 13 of Alice Carver Manifests Her Perfect Life
‘Wonderful, darling,’ said Dad admiringly. ‘I think I heard about this 911 diet on the Today show.’
‘You certainly weren’t fasting yesterday though, were you?’ said Mum. ‘You practically ate tier two of that cheese tower on your own. I’ve got to say – what a ghastly idea. Bad enough to get married on Christmas Eve but then to do cheese for a wedding cake? Mind you, clearly Alice loved it.’
‘You’re allowed extra break-out days for weddings and things,’ I said defensively.
A lot of things in my case.
Astrid sniggered. ‘For all that animal-based fat you’ve consumed, you’d think your skin would look a bit plumper. How’s that sweater that Mum “shrunk” working out for you, Alice?’
‘Shut up, Astrid. My generation isn’t into body shaming. We’re not all desperate for osteoporosis thighs.’
‘Lucky for you,’ said Astrid.
‘Enough, girls,’ Mum intervened. ‘It’s all in the genes anyway. Predetermined. Alice has Carver thighs.’
Astrid hooted with laughter.
‘Mum!’ I said.
‘Grow up, Astrid,’ said Mum. ‘At this stage, there’s very little to suggest Alice is going to end up with elephantitis of the legs like Great Granny Carver.’
‘What?’ I said.
‘It’s a compliment!’ said Mum irritably, just as the back door swung open and the twins bundled in with Arrie and Roger, followed by a damp-looking Maud who made her way straight over to me, and stood there growling softly.
‘Who were you complimenting, Mum?’ asked Arrie, taking off the boys’ hats, and removing her filthy wellies. ‘Golly, Alice,’ she did a double-take when she saw me. ‘That top’snot really family friendly is it? Merry Christmas everyone by the way.’
‘Not all of us want to dress like royals,’ I muttered under my breath as Arrie shrugged off her gilet.
‘I was telling Alice that despite having Granny Carver’s thighs, I see no current signs, whatsoever, of elephantitis. Come in, Roger, you’re making it cold,’ said Mum briskly. ‘Merry Christmas my darlings!’
Arrie looked at Mum and then at my thighs.
‘I wouldn’t exactly call that a compliment, Mum,’ she said. ‘Saying Alice doesn’t have elephantitis.’
‘What’s elephantitis?’ asked Edwin loudly.
‘Massive swollen legs,’ said Astrid.
Maud gave a small, shrill bark.
‘Quiet, Maud!’ ordered Arrie, pouring herself coffee from the pot Dad seems to manage to permanently have full, and leaving Roger to get his own.
‘Who’s got massive swollen legs?’ asked Edwin, looking quite excited. ‘I want to see them.’
‘Not Aunty Alice,’ said Mum firmly.
‘Although, do you remember how we used to have to Vaseline up her thighs when she was little because they’d chafe?’ said Arrie, unwinding her scarf.
‘Ahem,’ said Aziz, loudly and pointedly at the back door. ‘Found the cat. And also found someone else… ’
‘Merry Christmas,’ said another voice.
Oh great. Notagain. What were the odds he’d choose to show up just when my family were mid-flow demeaning me? (Well, pretty high probably, considering how rude they all are. But it was particularly unfortunate timing consideringour run-in yesterday.) He’d better not have heard that about the Vaseline…
‘Hope you don’t mind me popping in—’ he began.
Yes I bloody did mind. I was planning to be incredibly intimidating and together when I next saw Matthew bloody Lloyd. Not wearing this crazily small top. Or looking like I just got out of bed. Oh god. I did just get out of bed. I haven’t even looked in the mirror.
