Page 34 of Alice Carver Manifests Her Perfect Life
‘Reallydepraved.’ I gave Roger a little smile.
Roger’s eyes bugged slightly. See: not everyone was feeling sorry for me.
‘But luckily I’m single and I’m very open-minded sexually,’ I declared, ‘and tonight I’m looking forward to exploring the best that I can dredge up from London’s seas of seedy desire!’
That didn’t come out quite right. Never mind.
Then with the kind of timing I’ve come to dread, a deep voice from behind said, ‘I hate to interrupt… but I’ve been standing here for a while… ’
I closed my eyes. No way was this happening again. How long was a while? It was like the man just stood around waiting for the worst possible moments to enter a room. Please let him not have heard my last misarticulated output.
‘Matthew!’ exclaimed Mum and Astrid simultaneously.
‘So, apart from the fact that Astrid is thinking of becoming a doctor and Alice is planning on dredging up filthy sex from London’s seas of desire, what else have I missed?’
MATTHEW FUCKING LLOYD (Saturday 31 December, 8pm)
‘Honestly!’ said Astrid, once everyone had stopped fawning over Matthew and he was sitting down with a glass of wine. ‘I would have held off if I’d known you were going to make it this soon.’
‘Traffic went my way,’ said Matthew Lloyd. ‘I guess I’m lucky.’
Twat.
‘But you messaged less than an hour ago,’ said Astrid, ‘that’s not possible?’
‘Might have used a helicopter,’ Matthew admitted sheepishly. ‘It’s a lot faster and you said it was important.’
‘Good lord,’ said Dad admiringly. ‘What a way to travel, Matthew.’
Indeed. A way for a complete twat to travel.
‘But I thought your company just got a B corp,’ exploded Roger. ‘Surely you can’t be a B corp and use a helicopter? I get shit from everyone just for the Range Rover!’
‘Yeah, this was personal.’ Matthew rubbed his jaw. ‘But you make an excellent point.’
‘So where’s this Ebba?’ interrupted Astrid. ‘Is she joining us for supper?’
‘Who’s Ebba?’ said Mum immediately.
Yes. Who the fuck is Ebba?
‘No one,’ said Matthew.
‘Let me guess,’ mused Arrie. ‘Swedish, impeccable English, only travels by private helicopter, very young, models a bit… ’
I felt fonder of Arrie for a moment.
‘Am I right?’ she said.
Matthew shrugged noncommittally. ‘On some counts. But I prefer to date women my age.’
‘She sounds fab,’ said Mum, ‘rather like a young me,’ and laughed. ‘Obviously not the Swedish part. But how wonderful you have a girlfriend, Matthew. I hope you’ve explained to Ebba about Astrid’s cooking?’
‘Mum!’ protested Astrid.
‘Ebba’s not coming to supper,’ said Matthew. ‘And she’s not my girlfriend. We’re just calling by a party together later.’
‘Well, clearly Ebba is a special person in your life.’ Mum nudged Matthew like they were conspirators. ‘And I can’t wait to meet her.’
