Page 177 of A Winding Wave of Magic
“Now, wait just a minute.” I reached for Jonathan’s hand, his shoulders, literally anything to show him the truth. “You have the totally wrong idea. Caomhán and I weren’t kissing. Not even a little, and?—”
“Don’t,” Jonathan growled, dodging my grasp so quickly that he nearly tripped and fell into the sand. “You’re not getting inside my head right now, Cass. Absolutely not.”
“Fine. But need I remind you that you have no actual claim to me?” I kicked more sand up in frustration. “You’ve made that perfectly clear, how many times now? And so, regardless ofthe fact that I was in no way wrapped up with anyone or had anyone’s tongue down my anything, it shouldn’t matter, should it? Because, as you’ve made it so abundantly fucking clear,you don’t want me!”
At that, he lunged, grabbing my shoulders so tightly I was sure there would be four finger-sized bruises on each side in the morning. Wordlessly, his mouth worked, but his thoughts were too riddled by the desire and yearning to read, all of it flowing through his touch on a river of pain that quieted my frustration.
How could I be angry when he was so tortured by what he felt?
How could I hate him for what I knew so intimately in my own heart and soul?
“I…” His voice had grown hoarse. “I…it matters tome, you blind, magnificent girl. It willalwaysmatter to me.” He shook his head with an expression that matched the torrent of guilt flowing through his touch. “It very well might be the death of us both. You have no idea.”
“I…I don’t understand. Please, just…help me understand why this tortures you so. I’m right here. I’ve always beenright here.”
He was shielding, but it was a struggle. Part of me wondered what might happen if I dipped my toes in the water lapping only a few feet away. If I’d be able to See the boundaries of that shield. Find its cracks. Locate what it was about us—about me—that tortured Jonathan so.
The bonfire gave a loud pop before a few ashen logs collapsed in the center. A wave crashed on the beach as if in response.
Jonathan’s eyes glowed like stars while his emotions pulsed through his touch. He was so tortured by what was between us, by his attraction, by his frustration, by his jealousy, by the fact that he couldn’t control any of it. But slowly I felt his anger melt away, and only sadness remained; sadness and betrayal.
“Did you know,” he said, “that some say this holiday was originally meant to celebrate the goddess Áine?”
I blinked, confused by the sudden change of topic. “I—yes…”
“Others say that’s why there are so many children born after the new year in Ireland. It’s tempting Áine to join with another on her solstice night, as she’s a goddess of fertility. Of love.” His voice was soft, almost menacing as he peered around the fire, where a few couples seemed in the beginning stages of celebrating those very things.
“Jonathan,” I whispered, placing my hands on his chest. “Please. Nothing happened.”
I willed the memory to the forefront of my mind so he could See it again along with my thoughts and impressions. At first, he blanched, not wanting to recall what he saw as a blatantly romantic, if not sexual. But as I forced it through, his emotions shifted as he heard the conversation and felt the very platonic nature of what had passed between Caomhán and me. It wasn’t until all feelings of betrayal died away that I let the memory go.
“Oh,” Jonathan murmured. He released his grip on my shoulders, but kept his hands on them, not wanting to lose his touch on my bare skin. “So there’s nothing between you?”
I shook my head. “He’s my cousin.”
We stared at each other, and I felt just how much he had truly missed me coursing through his touch. Ithadbeen a difficult six weeks for him—I could feel that without seeking out the actual memories. His heart and spirit had been beaten down quite a bit. Without a thought for propriety, I launched myself at him, wrapping arms around his shoulders and pressing my face into the warmth of his neck. He hadn’t known just how strongly he had felt for me until seeing me with Caomhán; I hadn’t known how badly I had missed him until right then.
“I don’t understand,” I whispered. “I don’t understand what’s going on. But I wouldn’t…even with what you said…I wasn’t ready. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I knew it was true, too. It shouldn’t be. But it was.
Jonathan’s hands drifted up and down my body, alternately stroking gently and pressing me to him tightly as he buried his nose in my hair. “Cass,” he murmured against my neck.
His grip on my waist tightened, and the sudden urgency of his desire jolted through me.
“Jonathan,” I whispered back as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
Home.
I couldn’t ignore it now. Weeks apart, really just days in each other’s company. But following the destruction of the place I had once thought of as my refuge in the world, he had somehow replaced it.
He couldn’t fight it now either, could he?
His lips just barely brushed mine when he opened his eyes and blinked. “No.” He blinked again, took a deep breath, and swore.
“What is it?” I asked, though I already knew as he dropped his hands and stepped away.
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have…I just saw you and…but we shouldn’t.”
