Page 46 of Twisted Truths
“Rylan was only young when I moved away, but we spoke after every game, and he wasn’t afraid to dissect every part of my game and tell me what I was doing wrong. He’d rattle off player stats like he was auditioning for a job with ESPN.” Soft laughter breaks out, and I smile for the first time today, though it’s full of pain and regret. “Ry looked up to me, and I never got the chance to tell him how much that meant to me.”
I risk a glance at Hadley, who’s dabbing at her swollen eyes with a tissue.
“Zara…”
My breath catches, and there’s a tightening in my chest, like my ribs are folding in on themselves. Fuck, am I having a heart attack?
The shift happens almost instantaneously. The moment I say my sister’s name, the silence in the church switches from that of grief to discomfort. I know what they’re all thinking. What theyreallythink. Zara’s a murderer. They’re sitting here today because of what she did.
I see it in their eyes, their tight mouths, their lowered gazes. They mourn Mum, Paul, and Rylan—but Zara? They’re not sure what to do with her. She doesn’t fit into the story they want to tell.
I clutch at my chest and movement at the back of the church catches my eye. Hadley sits forward in her seat, her hands gripping the pew tightly as if she’s about to launch herself towards me.
Gabriel is watching her, an unreadable expression on his face. Something inside of me breaks. He doesn’t get to look at her like that. He needs to stay away from her. Like he should have stayed away from Zara.
My sister deserves justice, but now is not the time, nor the place.
This is the time to celebrate the sister I knew.
In a rush of words, I let it all out.
“Zara loved hard. She was loyal to a fault. When we were younger, she would curl up on the couch with Mum every night and complete some craft project or another. On Saturday mornings, she would sit at the table with Paul and puzzle over the crosswords and quizzes in the newspaper. And she loved Rylan fiercely. Zara was the one who taught him how to ride a bike and how to stand up for himself. She was the one who sat with him when he had his appendix out and did all the crazy social media trends with him. She was the best sister anyone could ever ask for, and now she’s gone. They’re all gone.”
I bury my head in my hands and finally let it all out. All the pain, all the sorrow, all the guilt. Everything. For the first time since I’ve been home, I completely break down. I can’t move. I’m stuck, frozen in time and space, until I feel Levi’s arms around my shoulder, and I let him lead me down from the altar.
The rest of the service is a blur. Others get up and speak of Mum, of Paul, of Rylan. Levi shares of his relationship with Zara. But I don’t hear any of it. I’m too lost in a storm of grief.
I can’t look when the slideshow of photographs from my childhood plays on the big screen to a medley of “Angels” by Robbie Williams, “In the Stars” by Benson Boon, and “How do I say Goodbye” by Dean Lewis.It was hard enough going through the photo albums. More so when I reached the years after I left Barrenridge. While I talked to my family every other day, there were so many things I missed while chasing my basketball dreams overseas.
When the haunting melody of “Forever Young” by YouthGroup starts, I’m hit with another wave of emotion. Ziggy and Rylan will never grow up, never fall in love, get married, have kids. They’ll be eternally young. Mum and Paul weren’t that old, either. She was only eighteen when she had me. She still had her whole life ahead of her.
There’s movement as Father Malachi calls for the pallbearers, and my chest constricts with the reminder Zara has no one to carry her.
I steel myself to do this one last thing for her, but then Paige grips my hand, grounding me, and she nods towards the steps of the altar.
Four burley bikers move forward in formation—black leather, heavy boots, solemn expressions. Once again, Rowan Knight is leading them.
He steps up with that quiet, unshakable presence he always carries, like the world could fall apart around him and he’d still hold the line.
My heart aches, because I know he’s not doing this for Ziggy.
He’s doing it for me.
Because he knows I can’t do it. Not today.
That knowledge kills me and saves me all at once.
Rowan reaches the casket and places his hand gently on the wood, before catching my eye and giving me the smallest nod, as if to say,I’ve got her now.
And just like that, Ziggy isn’t alone.
Clutching Paige’s arm, with Levi on her other side, we follow the procession down the nave. Gabriel and Hadley are noticeably absent when I pass the final pew, and I wonder if I imagined their presence, but I don’t have time to dwell on it.
I’m numb, watching as my family is loaded into the hearses.
I want to scream.
It bubbles inside of me, but I can’t fall apart.
