Page 50 of Justyce
“Good one, Kenz. You sure showed him how much you didn’t want him,” I admonish myself out loud.
The tub behind me calls to me as I pull my hair over my shoulder and braid it.Fuck yes.Just what I need to wash Justyce’s lingering phantom touch off me, along with these wayward emotions and thoughts. I snort as my inner slut pipes up and rolls her eyes.Yeah,sure, because that’s worked over the last eleven years hasn’t it.
Mentally I flip her off and walk toward the white hot tub and turn the faucets on. Hot steam billows out immediately, permeating around the bathroom and making a nice soak seem even more inviting.
While the water fills up, I search around the bathroom to see if I can find any salts or oils to throw into the water. Crouching down in front of the black granite vanity, I open the black cupboard door to find some bath salts, lavender, along with more essential oils and a few other bits and pieces.
Dumping the salts and lavender into the water, I sit on the side of the bath and reflect on what my life was and what it’s become.
I ruminate about my job and apartment in New York, aboutJames.Yeah sure I wasn’t completely happy, and my life may have seemed too comfortable to some, maybe even boring as shit. But it wasmymundane existence, and it shouldn’t have been Dereke’s deception that shook my world up like a damn snow globe, bringing me back to the one place I promised never to return to − Dana Point.
I should be enjoying my days, living out some of my happiest years, yet I was unhappy even before I woke up in the nightmare that is now my life. I took everything for granted, I feel it down to my fucking marrow. I had everything in New York and I hadn’t needed to rely on anyone.
I was loved…
James…
God I’m such a bitch. His faded blue eyes and shaggy brown hair make an appearance in my mind. A small smile graces my mouth but it doesn’t reach my eyes.
No matter how much I willed myself to love him or how hard I tried to forget about Justyce, those faded blue eyes would always turn to stormy graphite hues. I was a prisoner to Justyce before I even arrived back here, back in his clutches. And even after all these years I still despise him for making me feel things.
Shaking the memories from my head, I lean over the steaming water to turn off the faucets. I snap the lacky band off my wrist to tie my hair up in a messy bun and ready myself to step into the bathtub.
Leaning down, I brace my hand on the side of the tub and lower my foot into the water. I hiss when my toes connect with the scorching hot water, but it burns in the best kind of way and the heat is welcoming.
Submerging the rest of my body into the water I sink nice and low then sigh. The water courses over my weary muscles, the heat caressing my jaded body like a lover’s touch. It makes me feel almost human. How I’ve missed this, yearned to feel some semblance of normal.
I scoff. Normalcy. No one in their right mind would call any of what is happening to me right now normal.
Ducking my head under the water, I count to thirty before coming up for air. I dart up and see the steam rolling around me as I heave in a ragged breath.
I sit there in the warm water, contemplative, my mind doing cartwheels in my head like some circus act. I’ve asked myself many questions over the years, but the one that always floats to the top every time is why is my choice in men so fucking poor? Minus James, of course. He was perfect if you wanted that white picket fence, boring sex, and faked orgasms kind of perfect. I’m sure he’ll be perfect for someone else.
But me? I want a love that is jagged around the edges, rough to touch, drawing blades and leaving bloodied scars around my heart. A love that is messy and broken enough that we both work together to put our pieces back together when it falls to the floor and shatters, splintering into millions of pieces. Consuming, mindboggling, fucking sex frenzied love that you just can’t get enough of. That’s what I want.
I’ve tried to love those who loved me in the past, but if I’m honest I’ve never really given anyone a chance. It’s like I sabotage the relationship before it even begins, assume it’ll never work. What’s the use on having faith or being positive when my entire life has revolved around negativity? I realize a lot of this is on me, but I won’t be culpable for everything, no fucking way.
I blame my mother, of course, but I blame my father more. I never knew him so it’s easy to shuck the responsibility from myself, especially since I never had a role model to compare against other men who’ve entered my life over the years. I sure as hell wasn’t using Dereke as an explanatory figure in what I should expect from the opposite sex. Lord knows my mother did a shit job with finding father figures for me. I’ve lost count of the number of men she has welcomed into her bed for drugs or alcohol over time.
My vibe is shot. I’ve totally buzz killed it with my overactive and shitty thoughts. Gah. Bringing my hands up and out of the water I see the tips of my fingers look like wrinkled prunes as now tepid water floats around me. Sighing out loud, I think of refilling the tub with hot water but my energy is well and truly depleted now.
I quickly soap my body up with the bodywash that I also found in the cupboard, which funny enough smells exactly like the one I have at home, then dunk my head under one last time.
When I breach the water I run my hands up my face then down my hair and bring it around my shoulder to squeeze out the excess water.
Pushing up from the tub, I step out onto a black plush mat then reach for the towel. Goosebumps pebble my skin as I towel dry my hair, and when I gaze up into the mirror, I let out a screeching scream.
Swinging around I wrap the towel around me to see a smirking woman. My heart pounds in my chest as I try and steady my breath. Squinting my eyes, realization hits.
“Raine?”
“Aww, you didn’t forget me after all?”
I’m stunned into silence and the only word I can muster is, “What?”
Her head falls back and her laugh fills the bathroom. I tilt my head to the side, watching her.What the hell is going on?
Raine rubs the tears off her face from the laughter and sighs, then flicks her wild orchid hair behind her shoulders. Her cobalt eyes find mine then slowly drift down my form before coming back up. It feels like she just eyefucked me and I’m her very own smorgasbord.
