Page 25 of Raine
She lifts my chin, her pink lips pulling into a wide smile. “You know I love you, don’t you? You are my big girl now, and you need to be strong, ok?”
My eyes scrunch, but before I say anything, she leans in and kisses me on the crown of my head.
“I’ll love you forever, and even after that, I’ll love you some more.”
I’m pulledfrom the heart-wrenching memory, one that I’d kept buried for what feels like an eternity. Tears are running down my face, and I sniff, trying to obliterate the pain in my chest.
I didn’t know it then, but that week would change everything. Shaking the images from my head, I rub my eyes, brushing away the tears, and look down at my mother’s handwriting.
Dear Diary,
My secrets are safe with you, hidden beneath the floors I walk on. Can you keep a secret? Can I tell you what I can’t tell anyone else?
Winter <3
I sit there, re-reading the words over and over, noting that the date stamp was two years before I was born. My body becomes colder and colder each time I read her words. It was as if my mother was speaking to me from the grave. Had she always intended on someone finding this, or was this never meant to see the light of day?
Tentatively, I hold the next page between my thumb and index finger as ambivalence settles deep inside my gut. After a few tense moments, I turn the page, reading her words once more.
Dear Diary,
My secrets are safe with you, hidden beneath the floors I walk on. Can you keep a secret? Can I tell you what I can’t tell anyone else? It’s eating me up inside, and I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.
Winter <3
Perplexed, I go over the two pages with my mind doing backflips with her entries. I think back on the few meager memories I have of her as a child, and I can’t recall one where she wasn’t smiling or happy.
It was confusing and confronting. My mama had a secret, and by the sounds of it, it was a big one, one that maybe no one even knew about. Did my father know, or was he in the dark as much as everyone else?
I feel frazzled; my emotions have hijacked me, and my head is starting to bang. With the journal in my hands, I walk out of the room, closing the door and moving down the stairs. It was dark out now, and I hadn’t even noticed how much time I’d lost.
It didn’t feel like I’d been up there for that long, reading those two pages over and over, but clearly I had. My emotions are shot, and the walk down memory lane hasn’t helped one fucking bit.
Grabbing my bag, I place the journal inside and zip it up. Moving to the kitchen, I make a sandwich and fill my glass with vodka before walking back to the lounge area and switching on the T.V.
I need something mind-numbing to watch — something that doesn’t require my brain to think. Hooking my phone up to the smart flat screen I installed last year, I cycle through my streaming apps until I find True Blood. Who didn’t love a bit of Eric Northman? I know I loved his sweet ass.
Settling in, I put on season two, episode nine, my favorite one, and bob my head along to the intro. I watch the screen; the characters acting their lives away, but all I can think about is the journal burning a hole in my mind and, of course…Arrow.
Since we were children, we’ve always been close, but I’m now starting to feel the distance pulling us further apart. Not for the first time do I wonder whether things would have been different if my parents weren’t killed the following week. Would I have loved Arrow like he needed me to? Would I have been able to give him my all?
It's a question that I’d asked myself more times than I could count, but it was also one I didn’t dwell on. Things happen, and it changes people, and this changed me.
I focus on the T.V., watching Eric trick Sookie into sucking the bullet from his chest, and a smirk tickles the side of my face. I love this part.
Once Sookie loses her shit and Eric is more than impressed with himself, I tune out, thinking about how the day transpired.
Taking a healthy swig of vodka, Justyce’s words play in my mind, and I hate that he is living rent-free in my skull with the stupid shit he said today.
I know he’s right, which pisses me off. I need to make my mind up and stick to it.
Either give Arrow something more or cut him loose. But I can’t give him what I don’t have, and I’m too selfish to let him go.
Chapter11
Raine
Iridescent rays shine in from the open window and bounce off the mirror, effectively waking me up and blinding me in the same instant.
