Page 75 of Artemysia

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I’ve never explained this to anyone.

No one’s cared to ask, to listen. “Maybe it’s mySyf side. It’s not the same as fighting a drunk guy at the pub. There’s no emotion attached to that. I don’t lose myself. I think sex would be like the first situation.Emotion is involved. I wouldn’t be detached, and I’m scared I might turn into someone else, like an animal—a Syf, if that makes sense.”

“I get what you’re saying,” Delphine says, softly sincere, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she understands my feelings.

“Anyway, it was simply easier not to go there. But with you…I want to. My attraction to you is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt before.”

She’s still looking at me as if I am worth something.

It cracks my chest wide open.

I’ve never cried in my life, but one look at her expression right now and I’m convinced that the all-consuming ache welling up inside my cold, savage heart will destroy me even as it simultaneously renders me indestructible.

She’s incredible.

I sweep away a strand of her hair that’s fallen out of her braid, tucking it back behind her ear. “Also, you’re strong enough to kill me if my Syf side ever comes out and I turn into a monster.”

“Ha. Ivy could kill you, I’m sure.”

My voice drops; I need her to understand. “No. Never. I’m not attracted to her. I’ve never been attracted to anyone the way I am to you. Plus, even Ivy knows better than to get involved with someone like me. She is…a bit afraid of me. She’ll never admit it in a thousand years, but she’s attracted to safety. For all her courageous crazy, it’s what she seeks deep down. Why do you think she likes Throg so much? He makes her feel safe. So no, I wouldn’t do that to her, risk hurting her that way.”

“But you would risk hurting me?”

“Wrong. You could stop me, disarm me, kill me, do what you need to do, and you’d do what was right and move on. And maybe I can’t stand it anymore, how much I like you, how I’ve never felt this way before, never wanted to try this with anyone, but you—you, I…” Fuck. I ignore my hammering heart and the fact that I might punch something. Not in my usual way, but in a good, thrilling way.

I don’t finish my sentence, but she doesn’t force me to go on, her chest rising in a rapid rhythm that matches my own.

And yet she must understand, because she squeezes my hand tightly.

“Yes, I could stop you. But you’re growing on me. I don’t know ifI could kill you withoutsomehesitation.” She glances sideways at me and grins.

It doesn’t matter to me if she returns my feelings for her, because my feelings are true. They are not dependent on whether she feels the same.

I know she cares, and I know it’s real.

That’s all that matters to me in this very moment. It’s all I need right now.

Her braid has fallen loose, and she brushes back strands of pale hair from her face. “I get all that. But I don’t think you’re a monster because you’re half Syf. You’re half human too, and as far as I’ve seen, your heart is all human. So when you’re ready to do it, I will be too.” Her lashes drop to kiss her cheeks as she places a hand on my chest.

Fuuck. This must be what it feels like to be cared for.

I swallow down the emotion erupting up from a deep, hollow place that stirs for the first time. It moves in me, strange and wondrous, yet painful in a frightening way because it’s new. I clasp her head to kiss her forehead with an affection I’ve never shown anyone. Her body melts into mine when I do this, and I love it.

This is what it feels like to care.

She cares for me when I loathe my own existence.

In her eyes, I see my redemption. In her arms, I can be saved.

What I feel in this moment remains nameless, because nothing I’ve ever experienced comes close to how this woman touches my broken, tormented soul.

My euphoria is interrupted by a raspy voice. “Is it safe to come back in there?” Ivy giggles, peering at us from a cavern farther down the tunnel. I can barely see her face, except her eyes are so wide, they glint like the little predator she is even in the dim lighting. “The elk are asleep already.”

“What’s happening? Are they on the verge ofkillingeach other ordoingeach other?” Throg whispers loudly. “It’s always one or the other.”

“The latter. They seem to enjoy infuriating each other first, though. I’m not one to judge, but it’s very strange foreplay,” Ivy observes.

I wave her away behind Delphine’s back.