Page 111 of To Love or to Lose
“We’re not best friends,” I say through clenched teeth. “It’s not that serious, Gwen.” What I really want to say is ‘shut up and eat your damn noodles,’but I’m trying my best to seem unaffected.
“A boy going to Oxford to become a doctor,” Dad muses. “It sounds pretty serious to me.”
I let my chopsticks fall from my hand and drop onto the table. How typical of my parent’s to make dinner about anything other than me or Gwen.
“I think I’m finished,” I say, picking up my takeout container and walking it to the trash can.
“Where are you going?” Gwen asks, also standing.
“Up to my room, I’ve got some homework to do,” I reply, sidestepping past her and into the foyer.
Before I reach the steps, I feel Gwen’s hand wrap around my arm.
“Gwen,” I sigh, prying my arm from her grasp. “Stop.”
“What is your problem?” She asks, stomping her feet as she follows me up the stairs. “I try to start a conversation to lighten up our silent dinner table, and you completely brush me off.”
We reach the top of the stairs, and when I enter my bedroom, she tries to follow. “You did that at my expense.” I try to raise my voice, but all it does is crack. “That wasn’t fair, and you know it, Gwen.”
“Wasn’t fair to who?” Gwen shoves herself into my room when I try to shut it. “Miss Valedictorian, who's gotten everything she’s ever wanted? Or the little sister who hasn’t eaten dinner at her own house in over a month?”
Her voice is more volatile than I’ve ever heard, and the tears forming in her eyes throw me off. I’m not good at handling other people’s emotions, especially when I’m not feeling similarly.
I run both my hands through my hair, pulling at the roots. “I’m seventeen years old, Gwen. I’m sorry that I’m not here every night cooking dinner in place of our working parents.”
“You might be seventeen, Genevieve, but I’m thirteen and every time Mom and Dad leave, you agree to take care of me, and then you don’t.” She clenches her jaw, avoiding my eyes. “So,I’m sorry that I’m the one trying to give our parents a reason to stay!” She finally yells, storming out of my room.
Her words crash over me, like a bucket of cold water. Her resentment towards our parents is identical to mine, and I never even noticed.
I did the same thing growing up, thinking if I did better in school, or was quiet when asked to be, or wore the outfits mom picked out, it would give mom and dad a reason to stay.
“Wait.” I open my door, ready to go after her when I see our mom standing at the top of the staircase in complete shock.
“Mom,” I say, regret flooding me immediately. I’m not even sure why I care what she feels, considering she's the one who caused this. “She didn’t mean any of that, she’s just upset.”
“No, no.” Mom raises her hands in surrender, her voice tearful. “I get it.”
Gwen’s bedroom door opens, and as soon as my little sister sees Mom, I know she feels exactly how I do.
Guilty.
“All I’ve ever wanted was to give my daughters the lives I thought they deserved.” A tear falls down her face. “Never in my worst nightmare did I think most of your childhood would be spent with nannies, but I always tried to make it work.Always.”
“Mom.” Gwen grabs her hand. “We know that.”
We do, but that doesn’t mean we’re not upset by the fact.
“I realize I haven’t been fair, and that’s why I’m here now. I’m here to stay.” She wipes her last tears. “I’m done working.”
“No, Mom, you love your job,” I tell her.
This is exactly what I’ve always been afraid of, the hope that comes with her declaration. It’s usually a short-lived feeling.
“I think I’ve spent a little too much time loving my job.” She wraps an arm around each of us. “And not enough time loving my girls.”Clearly.
Gwen laughs into her hold. “The Alderidge girls.”
“For life.” Mom smiles.
