Page 140 of To Love or to Lose
“I’m sorry, Genova.” I rub the heel of my palm across my cheek. “Truly, honestly, I never meant to hurt you. Ever.”
“I believed you when you told me that the night of the party right before I kissed you, but now…” Her chin trembles as she makes sense of my apology. “Now, I don’t know if I do.”
I reach out, intending to grab her hand, but she pulls it out of reach, crossing her arms over her chest.She pushes her hair out of her face, the long, brown curls falling just below her mid-back. The clasp of her necklace gets caught in one strand, making her wince.
“I was trying to do what was best,” I tell her. “If I had known how much it would hurt you, I would have asked for your opinion beforehand.”
She scoffs. “So, you think that after I kissed you and confessed I had feelings for you, I would be ecstatic at the idea of you leaving?” Her arms fall to her sides in annoyance.
“I wanted you to be Valedictorian, Genevieve,” I admit. “You deserve that. I thought that, if I went back to London, I would go to a prep school where I could be Valedictorian and I wouldn’t be in your way anymore.”
“You were never in my way!” She yells, a tear finally rolling down her cheek. “Maybe it makes me seem stupid, but I would rather win Valedictorian and have to share it with you than not have you here at all!”
The heartache in her voice is pivoting, and yet, I’m still focused on her declaration.She would have rather been Valedictorian with me than without me.
My lips rise the smallest bit.
“Don’t laugh at me Jameson!” She spits, making my smile drop.
“I’m not laughing at you,” I reply truthfully. “I’m just happy you feel the same way I do.”
She looks shocked by my words, as if she thought her confession would be viewed as embarrassing. “I was ready.” She swallows roughly. “I was prepared to share the speech with you—to share everything with you.”
“I didn’t know that.” My voice strains. “I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you have it.”
The hurt she’s feeling right now is mutual between us. I can see it within her, bearing down on her soul.
I never meant to hurt her; I told her I never would, and yet here we are.
The fog clears from my vision when Genevieve looks back up at me. I can tell she's beginning to understand my reasoning.
“I forgive you,” she states, sounding like she’s testing the waters to see whether she believes herself. “I just don’t know if I can forgive myself.”
Genevieve makes her way over to the other side of the wrap-around porch, taking a seat on the swing that hangs from the end.
I follow, carefully taking a seat next to her. “What would you need to forgive yourself for?” I ask.
She leans forward so her elbows are resting on her knees before she puts her head in her hands. “This isn’t me,” she says, more to herself than to me. “Before you came to Fairwood, I would have done anything to ensure I stayed Valedictorian. Junior year Genevieve wouldneverforgive me for wanting to share it with you.”
I rest a hand on her back, unsure how to help calm her distress. I’ve never felt such self-doubt before; I’ve never cared about upholding the standards my past self held for me.In all honesty, I have no understanding of what she’s going through.
Still, I attempt to comfort her. “You’re not the same person you were last year, or the year before. You’re probably not even the same person you were at the beginning of the school year.”
“Don’t you see the problem with that?” She lifts her head to look at me. “I’m not the same person because of you.” She pauses, letting out a sigh. “Before this school year, I had been going through life solely to meet my goals. Freshman year was when I decided I would do anything to go to Columbia and be Valedictorian, and I was a machine dedicated to my goals for the next three years.”
I lift my hand to cradle her face as I wipe the tears trailing her jaw.I say nothing because I know how much she needs to express her concerns. All she wants is for me to listen.
“I think—” Tears clog her voice, causing her to clear her throat before she can continue. “I think I’m worried I’m losing a piece of myself by allowing you in my life, and yet I can’t control it because my feelings are getting in the way.”
My breath catches in my throat, seeing how torn apart Genevieve is while attempting to confront her emotions.
“That piece of yourself you’re losing,” I reconcile, as I grab her hand in mine. “It’s the part that’s been embedded in my soul.” She looks at me again. “And the part of myself I’m losing, I’m giving to you.”
Her body falls into mine, and I see a small smile lace her face as she seems to make sense of the fact that we feel the same way.We may not have shown it to the best of our abilities until now, and we may have continuously hurt each other unintentionally, but that didn’t take away from what we have now.
“Jameson?” she asks, making me look down to where her head is resting on my shoulder. I raise my eyebrows, silently telling her to continue. “I think I might love you.”
Her small smile elicits an identical one from me. “Well, that’s good,” I say, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Because I know I love you.”
