Page 56 of To Love or to Lose
I look toward my friend. “Hey El, maybe you should go see if Winnie needs help with anything.” The knowing look I give her has her nodding right away.
“Yeah.” Eloise clears her throat. “Yeah, I’ll go see.”
As soon as she’s a fair distance away, and Briar and I are the only ones left among the group of pottery wheels, she says, “I need you to tutor me.”
“What?” That’s the last thing I expected from the girl who has a half athletic, half academic scholarship to one of the best private Catholic universities in the country.
“I know, I know.” Briar quickly recognizes my confusion. “It sounds ridiculous: I’m committed to a division one school to play lacrosse, going on full scholarship, and I’m sitting here asking you to tutor me. Trust me, I know how stupid it makes me look.”
“That’s not what I was saying,” I tell her. “I was shocked. You’re not ridiculous, and needing help is nothing to be embarrassed about.” For me, it would be, but this advice is strictly for Briar.
She stands from the wheel, moving the plate that her vase sits on over to the drying shelf, and then washes her hands at the nearby sink.
“It’s embarrassing for me,” she admits quietly. “I’ve never struggled like this in a class before, and I feel so…” Her voice tapers off.
I can sense she doesn’t want anyone else in the room to hear her confession, so I walk over to the sinks to stand next to her.
“Donotsay stupid,” I tell her.
“How do you do it?” She looks at me, her eyes filling with tears. “I’m so overwhelmed, and I’m ranked number six in my class. I can’t evenimaginebeing number one.”
The mention of my class ranking makes me think about Jameson, and it sends a pang through my heart, knowing that I am technically notfirstbecause I’m sharing the position.For a second, I debate whether to share this with Briar, but I don’t see the point.
I ask, “What class?”
“What?” She looks over at me as she rips a piece of paper towel out of the dispenser.
“What class do you want me to tutor you in?” I repeat.
She lets out a large sigh, running her hands over her face, looking completely lost in her relief. “AP Calc.”
“AP Calc,” I repeat, mostly out of shock. “I’m in that class right now.”
“And I know how good you’re doing in it!” Her lips part slightly; I can see she’s become hopeful. “I didn’t mean to, but I saw your last test score. You got an A, Gen. I have gotten nothing above a C the entire year, and test corrections only help so much.” Her self-deprecating laugh makes my heart feel weighed down in my chest.
I see a piece of myself in Briar, and it makes me want to help her, and to prove to her that her worth isn’t dictated by her classrank. It’s too late for me to convince myself of that but it may not be for her.
So I say, “I’ll help you.”
“Really?” Briar asks, forming her hands into a steeple and pressing them to her lips. Her eyes are glowing with gratitude.
“Yeah, we can do our homework together. I can go through the problems you’re struggling with. It really won’t be that big of a deal.” Doing my homework with Briar will probably take me twice as long as it would take for me to do by myself, but I don’t say that.
One of Briar's welled up tears falls down her flushed cheek. She looks around the room, making sure no one has come into the corner before she says, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I reply, placing a comforting hand on her upper arm. I would normally never do this, but for some reason, Briar brings out a soft spot in me.
Wiping her tears, she smiles at me. “When can we get started?” We both laugh.
“You can come over to my house tonight.” I respond. That’s when Eloise and Winnie approach. “Or whatever nights you want, really.”
“You have no idea what this means to me,” Briar whispers as they near.
I smile lightly. “I’ll see you tonight.”
Then, I rejoin Winnie and Eloise, feeling more proud of myself than I have in a while.
“What was that about?” Winnie asks. “You look like she just confessed her love to you.”
