Page 145 of Built to Fall
I consider lying. I really do. But Savannah’s not the type to be impressed by half-truths or polished answers.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Some days I think I do. Some days I think I’m just caught up in the idea of it.”
She nods, as if that makes perfect sense. “He’s magnetic,” she says, almost wistfully. “I get it.”
My eyes narrow. “Have you ever felt like that about him?”
“No, but I knew what I was getting myself into with Grant. I watched for months as trails of girls filtered in and out of his bedroom. It wasn’t hard for me to decipher what he wanted from me right from the start.”
I swallow. “Right.”
God, is this makingmeseem like an idiot?
Savannah winces at herself again. “Sorry, I didn’t say that because I was trying to make it seem like you’re naive, or something. I just meant that I had time to build immunity to the way he was before I got involved with him. But you didn’t have to because he never acted like that around you.”
“It’s okay,” I tell her. “It’s probably what I need to hear, anyway.”
“Lina.” She narrows her eyes at me. “What’s your hang-up about?”
I hesitate, my fingers tightening slightly around my cup. I’m not sure I want to go there. Not in the middle of a cafe, not with someone who used to hook up with the guy I’m falling for.
But the thing about Savannah is that she doesn’t press in a way that feels invasive—she asks the questions to show you how much she cares. That makes it harder to lie.
Which is why I say, “I think at first, my hang-up wasGrant’s hang-up—we kissed in Martha’s Vineyard, and I freaked out because of how against commitment he is. But then I realized it had a lot to do with me.”
“How so?”
Well, there’s no use in holding back now. “My ex-boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend in my bedroom.”
Everybody else I’ve told, like my friends and Grant, have at leastattemptedto keep their facial expressions neutral. Savannah doesn’t.
Her mouth drops wide open, her jaw practically hitting the table as she audibly gasps. “Oh my gosh!What anasshole!”
“That’s not even the worst of it,” I prepare her before adding, “It was also during my mom’s wake.”
Savannah lets out a strangled sound, halfway between a gasp and a horrified groan, before covering her mouth with both hands. “Lina. You’re joking. Please tell me you’re joking.”
I shake my head slowly. “I wish I was.”
She drops her hands, eyes glassy with disbelief. “That is—no, that’sevil.”
“Yeah, well. It happened. And ever since, I’ve been…”
“Scared?”
I swallow harshly, completely forgetting about my coffee. “There’s a lot of trust involved in being committed to a person in the way I was to my ex. Having that ripped away in one ofthe most vulnerable moments of my life… It wasn't good for me. It feels like I’m almost setting myself up for failure by trying to force the guy who is anti-commitment to stay.”
Savannah doesn’t say anything right away. She looks at me like she’s seeing all the cracks I’ve spent so long trying to hide.
She seems to have a way of doing that—making people feel comfortable around her. It’s weird to describe, but beneath the glitz, the glamour, and the socialite-appearing lifestyle, Savannah’s outwardly happy energy reminds me of the person I used to be.
Before I was plagued by the loss of my mother. Before the sleep issues and my inability to trust. Before I was forced to spend all my time trying to fight my way back tonormal.
Beforeanyof that, I was just like her. Fun, carefree—had more outward confidence than I knew what to do with.
“So, you don’t just want to hook up with him? I mean, not to be crass, but Iknowthe sex is good.”
“Oh gosh…” I sigh. “I don’t know if this is proper cafe conversation.”
