Page 148 of Built to Fall
Contained and manageable, like if I kept my feelings small enough, maybe nothing else would spiral out of control. I thought that if I could see the wreck coming, I could steer everyone I loved out of its path.
Because losing my mom ruined me. Not in the way people say casually, but in the way where your body keeps score even when your brain pretends it’s moved on. Where every day after feels like a prelude to the next disaster.
I was seventeen. Seventeen and trying to wake her up on the kitchen floor. Calling 911 with hands that wouldn’t stop shaking.Hearing the words, ‘Accidental overdose,’and thinking, ‘No. I should’ve known. I should’ve done something.’And ever since then, I have wholeheartedly believed that if I didn’tloveanyone—reallylove them—then I wouldn’t have to be so terrified all the time.
So I built walls and used my routines as safety nets. I logged things and played out worst-case scenarios in my head like drills for a fire that hasn’t started yet. I made sure I could catch everyone before they fell. And when I couldn’t? When something slipped past me?
I punished myself for it. Quietly. All-consuming.
But now Lina’s here, and she’s not asking for protection. She’s justthere,constantly sitting across from me with those eyes that see more than I want her to.
And I want to let her in. God, Ido.
Every time she looks at me like she might stay, I feel this vise grip in my chest. This voice in the back of my head that says, ‘What if you hurt her? What if she dies? What if you miss something and it’s your fault again?’
I’m tired of that voice. I’m tired of living like love is something I have to guard against. Like the only way to protect someone is to never let them close.
I don’t want to be alone anymore, or keep her at arm’s length just to prove I can keep her safe.
Because the truth is, I can’t.
And maybe that’s the scariest part. But it’s also the most human one.
She deserves more than my fear.Ideserve more than my fear.
The first call I make is to Savannah. I’m pacing the kitchen by the time she answers on one of the last rings.
“Where’s Lina?” I ask as soon as the line connects.
“She walked me back to the Tri Delta house because it was close by, but now she’s on her way back to the apartment,” she says, sounding suspiciously in the know, almost like she’s been waiting on something.
“I’m taking the risk, Sav.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” She sounds more frustrated than I thought she would be. “After all that, you finally—you know what? Never mind.”
“Um…” I trail off. “Is everything okay? I thought you would be excited.”
“Ask Lina.” She pauses. “Oh, and don’t let her say anything before you tell her you’re serious about this, alright?Don’tlet her lead.”
Her frantic tone cues me in, and I’m almost certain of how this is going to play out.
“Alright, Sav. I got it.”
“Thank God for you coming to your senses.”
I laugh, and before I can agree with her, she adds, “Just don’t mess this up, okay? I like Lina a lot, and she’s my friend now. I can’t have you going and?—”
“Savannah,” I cut her off. “I got it. Don’t worry, I know what I want now.”
“And it’s her?” she asks.
“Yeah.” I look up at the ceiling, running my free hand through my hair. “It’s her.”Definitely.
“Well then what the hell are you waiting for?” she yells, causing me to momentarily pull the phone away from my ear. “She’s probably walking into the building right now! Go!”
I hang up with Savannah and toss my phone on the counter, hands gripping the edge like it might hold me steady. I stare at the floor for a beat, trying to calm the racing in my chest, but there’s no point pretending I’m not already halfway out the door.
Because I know the look Lina’s going to have when she walks in.
