Page 155 of Built to Fall
They both shake their heads.
“No, it would probably just make it harder to have another set of hands,” Meredith tells me, taking another branch off and packing it in the box.
Why do we have a Christmas tree that’s at least twenty years old, where each individual branch has to be attached? I have no idea, but it’s an absolute pain in the ass to take apart and put together.
“Alright, well, I’m going to take a shower. Let me know if you need any help.”
They both nod, and I retreat into my bedroom. It’s as messy as it normally is. My desk is covered with assignments and different books for my international relations classes. There’s apile of clothes collectingnextto my laundry basket despite it being empty, and my bed is haphazardly made.
My bag lands on the bed before slipping into the bathroom. The counter is still a bit of a mess from last night, as it usually is.
I’ve come to accept that I’m not the most organized person in the world. My brain is much more organized than my physical space, and the messy state of my room is a reflection of that.
My clothes from last night fall to the floor as the shower door slides open and hot water begins to run.
Not bothering to do much else beforehand, I step into the hot spray, letting it cascade down my back. There’s way too much for me to think about. I hate it.
I press my forehead to the tile, exhaling slowly, trying to let the heat undo the lingering tension threaded down my spine.
Last night felt like peace, but standing here now, I’m afraid that I skipped a few steps.
I’ve been so focused on feeling normal again, like trying to forget what happened during and after my mom’s death, fixing my sleep problems, and letting Grant hold me without flinching, that I haven’t really looked at the ache underneath it all.
The one shaped like my mom. Like the conversations we’ll never have. The milestones she won’t see. The way I still catch myself reaching for my phone to call her.
Being with Grant makes it quieter. Being back at Yale the past semester has made it lighter. But quiet and light aren’t the same as healed. And maybe I’ve been using them to pretend they are.
It’s a hard realization to come to. After months of trying to convince myself I’m okay, it feels almost unfair to admit I’m still carrying all of it.
Yet, confronting my own feelings feels like pulling teeth a majority of the time, and that just leads to me avoiding them.
I’m halfway through washing my face out of my hair when the bathroom door flies open, crashing against the wall.
“Evangelina!” Savannah sings, now standing in the middle of my bathroom. “I want to hear everything!”
“Jesus!” I yelp when I see her through the barely fogged glass. “What the hell, Savannah?”
She crosses her arms, her platinum blonde hair pulled up in a claw clip, a silk set hanging loose on her frame. “Oh please, I know you spent the night with Grant last night… again.”
I grip the ceramic shelf behind me, steadying myself. “Savannah, I’m naked.”
In all honesty, I don’t really have a problem with her seeing me naked. I live with three girls who arewaytoo comfortable with one another, after all. Nudity is not exactly uncommon. I’m just thrown off guard.
“You were also naked with Grant less than twelve hours ago, but it would have been socially unacceptable for me to be there. So consider this a compromise.”
“Ijustgot home. I’m in the shower!” I thought I’d at least have the time it would take me to rinse my hair before I’d be relaying the events of last night, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
But Savannah did text me last night saying she’d be at my place in the morning to hear everything, so I can’t say I didn’t see this coming.
She starts clearing off the counter, and I hear the sound of her opening drawers to put stuff away.
“You don’t have to clean up after me,” I tell her.
Savannah waves her hand, like she doesn’t mind. “I’m a neat freak. It’s what I do. Seriously, I saw that pile of laundry sitting on your dresser when I walked in. You might have to hold me back from it.”
I admire how eager she is. “Have at it.”
“I will as soon as you give me details,” she demands, finally able to sit on the counter next to the sink, directly across from the shower. “I want the whole nine yards. Verbs, adjectives—feel free to throw in a metaphor or two.”
