Page 187 of Built to Fall
Her venom is real, though, and she’s not eventryingto hold back anymore. It’s such a stark contrast to the way she’s been hiding the most destructive detail about her life.
“How was it working foryou?” Her eyes flash. “You went to the hospital because you passed out on your running path! You’ve become completely codependent on your boyfriend to help you sleep!”
My stomach drops. My face falls. Because she’s right, and I’m ashamed it took me this long to realize the comparison she was making was actually accurate.
This is what I get for being emotionally stunted.
All Meredith needs right now is love and support, and yet here I am, trying to make her feel guilty for not including us in it.
My own hypocrisy has left me stunned into silence.
“Yeah,” Meredith practically laughs as she says it, taking a big step back. “We’re all fucked around here, aren’t we? Except the only time anyone is forced to admit it is once it’s visible enough to scare someone!”
She’s yelling more than she ever has, and it causes Eden and Kara to trickle into the room, shutting the door behind them and leaving the boys in the living room. I can tell Braxton and Grant were trying to stay out of it, but now they’re likely wondering if she’s going through some kind of mental breakdown.
I’m wondering the same thing.
“Well, I’m sorry that I didn’t point out my protruding ribs sooner! Or drag a scale into the living room every Sunday to show what I’ve been doing to myself!”
“Mer, you’rebeautiful,”Eden says softly.
“You guys truly have no idea what this is about! Don’t start pretending now.”
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her lash out at Eden, and it has all of us flinching back. She’s more than willing to bicker back and forth with Kara, but Eden is everyone’s soft spot.
“Woah,” Kara interjects with a hand held out. “Don’t start getting angry at us. We’re trying to make sense of this—trying tohelp.”
“Helpis the last thing I want.” Her voice is entirely hollow.
And that’s what makes us all realize how much this has consumed her life.
I’m sure Kara has a better idea than the rest of us. She studies neurology on a daily basis—knows more about the inner workings of the brain than all of us combined.
But I’m not sure if even a genius like her could fully understand the psychology behind what Meredith is going through. None of us can explain how something so life-altering and all-consuming could be rooted in thoughts that make no logical sense—least of all me.
And her refusing help despite knowing she’s making her own body sick doesn’t follow any real reason or basic instinct to survive.
Then again, I did the exact same thing.
You don’t really understand how it happens—how far you’re willing to go to ignore yourself—until you’re the one doing it.
Meredith’s brain has been completely rewired to believe the complete opposite of what is true. Her mind is deluding her into a world where hunger and control are more necessary than nutrients and health.
We all notice the way she’s shaking. Not violently, but enough.
And then she laughs, almost as if she’s coming to terms with the fact that she can no longer pretend she’s holding it together anymore.
“God,” she mutters, pulling the ponytail holder roughly from her blonde hair. “I didn’t even want to go tonight. I’m wondering if it was some kind of gut feeling, like I knew something horrible like this was going to happen. Braxton convinced me, though, and I wanted to scream. Because what am I supposed to wear to an event when nothing in my closet fits anymore?”
“Mer,” I say, and take a cautious step forward.
Now, she’s flinging her jewelry off, throwing each piece toward her desk.
Her head lifts. “Don’t. Don’t do that thing where you make your voice soft and gooey, like I’m a child in the midst of a tantrum. I’m not fragile.”
Her malnourished body would likely disagree with her, but we all know better than to comment on that.
“You all think I wanted to keep this from you?” she asks, her voice cracking as she looks between all of us. “That it feels good to lie about this? Skipping meals, hiding behind baggy clothes, pretending I wasn’t light-headed every time I stood up too fast? You think Iwantedthis? Huh?”
