Page 68 of Built to Fall
“I haven’t gone running since I got out of the hospital. That was over two weeks ago.”
“Yeah, but you’re still not sleeping.”
“How would you know?” I challenge.
“All the girls tell me they hear you pacing in the middle of the night.” He points out. “So, you’re not exactly making the best case for why you don’t need my help.”
Okay, so I have been pacing the confines of my room in the middle of the night, but only because lying still feels impossible when my brain starts spinning. I don’t see the problem in moving my body in order to stop my brain from running laps all on its own.
“It’s not something I can turn off, Grant. My body has been programmed to barely sleep for the past year. Maybe longer.” I let out a exasperated sound, pulling my crewneck back into place when it slips off my shoulder. “Oh, and by the way, it’s really annoying that you’ve been meeting up withmyfriends at lunch to discuss my business.
“A year of barely any sleep?” he muses. “All the more reason your body must bebeggingyou to go to bed.”
“Not how that works.” I return back to the living room with Grant following closely behind. “And I don’t like when people try to change the subject.”Even though it’s my number one tactic.
He sighs. “I’ve been going to lunch with Braxton and the girls because we all have classes that end at the same time near the courtyard while you’re in your Global Health class. Not because I’ve been trying to undermine you.”
“Tell me again how I’m supposed to be able to sleep next to you and your giant savior complex.”
“Come on,” he urges, taking a seat next to me on the couch. “Just imagine howgooda full night of sleep would feel. Just like on Halloween.”
I have imagined it. In fact, it’s the one thing I envy every night for the first few hours when I try to sleep.
“Oh yes, Grant, because your bed is somagic.” I pretend to fawn, waving a hand in front of my face like I’m cooling a blush. “Plus, I can’t get that great of sleep when your hookups are knocking down the door before six a.m.”
He rolls his eyes. “I would make sure that wouldn’t happen again, and you know it. Regardless, even waking up at five would give you way more sleep than what you’re getting now.”
Thinking about the two,maybe three,hours of sleep I have been managing causes a yawn to seize my body. I withhold it the best I can, but from the way he smiles, I know Grant caught on.
It makes me even more angry.
“Don’t you have enough girls trying to get in your bed?” My voice is harsh.
Grant doesn’t flinch. He’s used to me being overly abrasive toward him, and I kind of hate him for it. “Yeah, but now I’m more worried about getting a certain girl intoanybed. Tosleep.”
“I’m not your charity case, Grant.”
Normally, this would be the point where I get up off the couch and walk into my bedroom, putting a door between us. I don’t want to have this conversation.
But I know I can’t do that because I know I owe Grant more than I care to admit. He was there for me when my own bodywasn’t. He made sure I was okay. He stayed with me. And I don’t think I can punish him for wanting to continue doing that.
I don’t want to slap the hand that pulled me out of the fire.
Yet, I can’t shake the fear of the type of vulnerability that it would take to sleep next to someone. Because I’m well aware it has the ability to undo me entirely.
Just like it did after Gage.
When my mom died, he stayed with me every night until I fell asleep. That was back when Icouldsleep.
That all ended when I found him having sex with my best friend in the same bed he had lulled me to sleep in the night before. In my bedroom. During my mom’s wake. Days after her death.
Somehow, the person who held me through it all managed to prove that even in my most vulnerable, unguarded state, I couldn’t trust anyone to stay.
So, yeah, falling asleep next to someone feels less like peace and more like walking back into a house I’ve already watched burn down.
“I know that,” he responds. “I’m not here because I think I have to be. I’m here because I can’t handle the idea of something happening to you and me not being there to help.”
Grant doesn’t know all of it, though. Not really.
