Page 70 of Built to Fall
“It’s out of my control, Kar.”
She inhales sharply, sounding annoyed with me, and it makes me stiffen. In the same way I’m not good at reading people’s emotions, I’m not good at handling conflict either.
Not when it’s not my decision. Not when I’m to blame.
“I get that you guys are still upset with me over not calling you in the hospital. It’s fair?—”
“You don’t get it, do you?” Kara stands from my bed. “It has never been about you not calling us in the hospital, Lina.”
My brows furrow. “What?”
“You’ve never told us fully what happened when your mom died. You didn’t even tell us that Gage cheated on you. We only figured it out when he showed up here, begging for you to talk to him while he knocked relentlessly.” She throws her hands up. “I get it, you don’t want to talk about that stuff, but not sleeping? Waking up and going on runs without telling anyone? Do you know how dangerous that is? And you didn’t tellanyof us that you were even struggling. It completely blindsided us.”
“I didn’t want anyone to know,” I tell her honestly. “I was so desperate to get back to normal when I came back. It was bad enough that I had to take a whole year off because of how unstable I was. I didn’t need you guys thinking you had to worry about me when I came back.”
“We were going to worry about you regardless!” she shouts, lowering her voice when she realizes how fired up she’s gotten. “You went through the hardest time of your life, Lina. Of course we were going to worry about you. It was never anything more than friendly concern, but now you’ve turned it into more than that. All of us arescarednow.”
“Kara—”
“We’re scared of you leaving the apartment in the middle of the night to go running. We’re scared of something happening to you. We’re scared that we were so oblivious to all the ways you were struggling, and now it’s too hard to come back from.”
“You weren’toblivious,”I tell her. “I didn’t want you guys to know.”
“We’ve been taking turns sleeping on the couch, you know? That’s why Grant is here tonight. He found out about it at lunch the other day and wanted to take a shift.”
I stare at her, my chest tightening as my stomach sinks. “You guys don’t need to do that.”
It hadn’t occurred to me until now that I’ve been pulling the three of them—my best friends—under with me. I thought I had it all under control. Perfectly contained. Seeing how that isn’t the case makes me feel sick.
Have I really been this selfish? Without even realizing?
“Your not wanting to do anything about things that are negatively impacting your life is no longer only negatively impactingyourlife, okay?” She pauses, taking a long breath before her blue eyes land on me with a newfound softness. “I’m sorry if this feels like an intervention. Mer, Eden, and I played rock paper sisters to see who was going to have to lay on the tough love.”
“No,” I stop her from apologizing. “Thank you, Kar. Really. It’s what I needed to hear.”
“Okay, good.” She lets out a long, relieved noise before heading to the door, but as she reaches for the knob, she pauses and turns back toward me. “Oh, and one more thing.”
“Yeah?”
“I know that you had Grant built up as an enormous asshole in your head before all of this, and after your first interaction, I don’t exactly blame you. But could you at least give him a fighting chance? He’s been doing everything he can think of totry and help you. And, honestly? I think he’s the only one out of all of us who has even the slightest idea of what you’re going through.”
“I’ll think about it.” Because if it won’t be for Grant, it will be for my best friends.
Despite how much it may ruin my pride.
“Goodnight, Lina.”
“Goodnight, Kar.”
The door shuts behind her, and after another few minutes of staring at my ceiling in the dark, I have a moment of deja vu when there’s another knock on my bedroom door.
This time, though, the person on the other side waits for me to say, “Come in,” before entering.
I already knew it was going to be Grant based on that fact. Yet, seeing him standing in the doorway of my bedroom, the light of the living room illuminating him from behind, twists my stomach in a way I don’t expect.
And I would guess he feels the same, based on the way he awkwardly shifts his weight from one foot to the other and then runs his hand through his hair.
“Can I help you?” I jokingly ask, flicking on my bedside lamp once again.
