Page 101 of The Black Table
It’s not an answer to his question, not really. But Cal says nothing in reply. For a moment, I imagine the tension dissipating—that we won’t have to talk about the one thing I know we’re both thinking about, or at least that I’m thinking about enough for the both of us.
“Does she change anything?”
God damn it.
“No,” I manage.
It’s a half-truth again.
Because the whole truth is, I can’t let go of what I’m feeling for Gwenna—the magnetic pull that she has on me. It feels like the only way to rid myself of it would be to carve my soul out of my body somehow. Let it all go at once—the curse and my life. Which, I suppose, is how it works.
And yet, it hasn’t changed how I feel about Cal. It doesn’t make me want him less or care about him less.
That’s why I have to answer the way I do.
“Well, well, well.” The cracking of boots startles both of us—me so much I nearly jump out of the pew.
“Isn’t this a nice little surprise.” Kai cocks his head at us as he advances from the back of the nave. “Here I am thinking I’ll have the place to myself to clear my conscience over nicking that Sainte-Odile guy, but what am I to find but Callahan with Pretty Boy on his knees.”
The barest flash of panic goes across Callahan’s eyes. I see it. I feel it.
“That what you’re here to confess?”
Neither of us says anything. Kai’s expression shifts from smirking and smug to curious, intrigued—as if he might have hit a nerve and could pry more out of us.
No, God, no. A one-time lapse is, well, one thing. But a continued…whatever-it-is-that-Cal-and-I-have. Affair? I don’t even know what to call it. That would be something else entirely.
And for Kai to find out…it’d be almost as bad as Kingston finding out.
No, I think,worse.
I have to throw him off the trail, and fast.
“I kissed Gwenna,” I blurt out.
The admission hangs in the stillness of the morning air. But it works.
Kai’s eyebrows leap up, his mouth slightly open, total surprise overcoming him.
“Youwhat?” he says, almost spitting the T at the end of the word.
“It was after the match,” I say. “Adrenaline, excitement, I don’t know. She gave me a hug and I just—” I loosen my shoulders, raised my hands in defeat, like the pathetic excuse for a man that I am. “I wasn’t thinking. I couldn’t think. And so I’m just here to…”
Kai waves a hand in the air. “Hold on to your panties.” He draws a quick sign of the cross over his chest, curls his hands to his breastbone, closes his eyes, and says the quickest prayer I’ve ever seen.
“I can’t believe you,” he says, and there’s no teasing in his voice anymore—just disgust, so raw and undiluted that it actually surprises me, even from Kai.
“Everyone makes mistakes,” Callahan says, and my heart squeezes to hear him defend me—defend me against the verything that I know hurts him three times as much as it could ever hurt the integrity of our code.
“Cram it, Ms. Rachel,” Kai says, then turns to me. “Does Kingston know?”
“No,” I say quickly. “And he’s not going to find out. I’m here. I got forgiveness. I’m…I’m good.”
But the look on Kai’s face doesn’t go away. Like I’m a worm. Like I’m reprehensible.
“You don’t understand,” I say. “It was…”
“OfcourseI understand,” Kai says, fierce but cold. “OfcourseI do.” He spreads his arms wide. “You think I don’t have trouble with these vows? Me, of all people? For Christ’s sake.” His scowl at me is next level. “You shouldn’t even be on this team,Lanz.”
