Page 1 of Cloudless
PROLOGUE
LILA
You never know how important someone is to you until they’re dead. Until you’re sitting alone in a courtroom full of people, feeling more alone than you thought possible.
Strangers move around with smiles on their faces while they think about what they’ll have for lunch, or if their boss is happy with the report they just submitted. They sit in the rows behind me, waiting for their turn with the judge, wondering how long they’re going to have to listen to this poor girl talk about her dead parents who died in a car accident.
I’m sure they’re thinking about how thankful they are for their traffic violation or their unpaid parking ticket. They’re thankful for their ordinary days and ordinary lives.
These strangers will never realize I’m sitting here wondering if I can cry enough tears to bring the dead back to life.
I miss the blissful ignorance that comes with not yet knowing the feeling of your worst day. You don’t sit around wondering when that day will happen. Hell, you might think it already has.
I wish I could give them advice. To let them know that if you have to ask yourself if it's happened,then it hasn’t. Cause when it happens…you’ll know.
My breath stalls in my chest as the reality that they’re gone hits me like a runaway train. It’s like I’m moving along the tracks far too fast without a way to stop. The world blurs by without a care to the panic coursing through my veins.
That’s good. That means I got over that moment early today. The all-consuming moment when the loss of them threatens to bring me to my knees.
If I fall, I wonder if I’ll ever get back up.
“I know this isn’t ideal, Miss Sullivan, but they will force your brother and sister into the system otherwise.” Like I could forget I’m all Jasper and Posey have left. Judge Harris’ eyes soften as her eyes fall to my clenched hands on top of the table. “The state of Pennsylvania is very clear on its laws regarding the health and safety of children in this type of situation. Since there are no other relatives in the picture, I’m giving you a six month trial period to prove you are ready to take on this responsibility.”
I try my hardest to keep my voice from shaking. “I understand, Your Honor. Thank you for being so understanding.”
She didn’t have to give me temporary guardianship of Jasper and Posey. She could have seen my low-paying job, busy school and work schedule, and lack of support as too much to risk. But she didn’t.
My frayed nerves have me almost smacking the papers from my lawyer's hands as he shuffles through them for the fifth time since we sat down. It’s not his fault my tolerance level is at an all-time low.
Judge Harris adjusts her glasses on her face as she straightens in her seat. “My biggest reservation here is your lack of support. The saying ‘it takes a village’ holds true in this case especially. You can’t do this alone, Miss Sullivan. Raising two seven-year-olds is a tremendous undertaking.”
My blunt fingernails dig further into my palm, my mouth suddenly dry as I try to get my tongue to cooperate. “I have plans to get my grandparents more involved.”
Her kind eyes soften with relief. “That seems wise.” She pauses, as if debating whether she should continue. “I know your relationship with them isn’t the best, but I think that is your best option here. I want this to work out for you, Miss Sullivan. It's clear how dedicated you are to Jasper and Posey. I truly think you’re their best option here despite still having a year of college left. I just want to make sure we aren’t letting emotions impede what is actually best for the twins.”
“I agree, Your Honor.” Even though the thought of them being taken away from me makes my handful of dry cereal for breakfast churn in my stomach.
She gives a nod of finality as she breaks eye contact to sort through the papers in front of her. “I’m glad that’s settled. I’ll be assigning Mrs. Evelyn Jones as your caseworker for the next six months. Expect visits from Mrs. Jones throughout the duration of the trial period.” She looks back up at me again. “She is one of our best, Miss Sullivan. I know she will take good care of you.”
“Thank you again, Your Honor.” The strap of my bag feels foreign in my hand as I stand on shaky legs.
My lawyer’s voice fades into a dull murmur as he thanks Judge Harris for her time. I will forever be thankful for my father’s lawyer friend, Mr. Porter, who has vowed to help me through all this pro-bono, even though his paper-shuffling habits make me want to pull out my hair.
My parents had every intention of building up their savings after it was reduced to pennies because of my mom's cancer treatments. Moving back to my mom’s hometown was supposed to be a new start for all of us. A way to leave behind the shadow that cancer left on our lives.
The shadow of death, however, is far too permanent to be outrun.
My eyes stay unfocused as I numbly follow Mr. Porter through the doors at the back of the courtroom. The smell of caramel candy that seems to cling to him washes over me as he holds the door open.
The door clicking shut behind us opens the dam around my emotions I had no choice but to build while in that room. More stones from my dam fall with every step we take down the hall. The last stone tumbles to the ground as the door to the courthouse closes behind us.
My watery vision blurs the smile on Mr. Porter’s face that I wish I had the energy to fake back to him. “That went as well as possible. I’ll arrange your first meeting with Mrs. Jones. I’ve worked with her before, and she is as good as Judge Harris said. If you get everything worked out with your grandparents, I don’t see why this case wouldn’t work out in your favor.” He searches my profile. “I’m so sorry you have to go through this, Lila. When news reached me about your family's return to the area, I was thrilled. Your dad and I were inseparable growing up. I just hate that your dad and I couldn’t catch up before…”
Before he died.
I want to tell him it’s okay—he can say it. It’s not a dirty word.Death. It’s a natural thing. Expected, even.
He clears his throat to break the awkward silence that has descended like a thick fog around us. “How are the twins holding up? Can Margret and I do anything for you?”
